06/21/07

A positive light

It's funny, since I've been stuck in this darned bed, I've heard from people "There's no way I could do that." To be honest, before I learned that I would be destined to spend weeks maybe months in a hospital bed, I thought the same thing.

But really, what choice do you have? Sure, I could have said "Nope, I'm not staying here, I'm going home" and then I could have gotten an infection delivered way too soon and risked both Matthew's life and my own. Or, I could just listen, truly listen.

I've been reading a lot of stories at the March of Dimes. Miracles born earlier than Matthew will be with no permanent health delays or very slight ones. Every story shared the same thought "Why me?" There have been times it would be easy to wonder "Why me?" but really "Why not me?"

I could think of all the things I did wrong during my pregnancy. Maybe I should have cut back on work hours. Maybe I should have stopped carrying Kaitlyn, but I had a healthy pregnancy and had no restrictions. I did a lot of things right during my pregnancy. I gained weight, I gave up all the "no-no" foods, even the "maybe not" foods. I stayed active, I slept well.

Really, I can be thankful. I can be thankful that something woke me up that night and that I realized that something was wrong. I am thankful that I didn't change my clothes and go back to bed. I am thankful that we live so close to such an amazing hospital. I am thankful that we didn't deliver that night and I'm thankful that we've lasted 18 days with no end in sight without delivering.

I know Dusty has been amazing and completely selfless in the past 2 1/2 weeks. With the exception of two nights he has insisted on sleeping on an uncomfortable pull out bed that shifts and twists thoughout the night. This man who does not like change at all has had to change everything in his life that is routine and comfortable. And he hasn't once complained to me. He hasn't once come to the hospital to complain about anything and not once has he come in here in a bad or foul mood. He has every reason to be stressed out and tense but he never shows it when he gets here.

So, really, I have two options.

The first option is to have complete self pity. Play the woe is me card. Be sad that I have to spend my birthday in the hospital and dwell on everything in this pregnancy that I am missing out on (like the beach maternity pictures I really wanted!). To me, that sounds absolutely miserable. What would be the point?

Or, I can just deal with it. One day at a time. I can try to stay busy and entertained and realize that this too shall pass. By this time next year everything will be back to normal. We'll be home, all of us and we'll be back in our normal family routine.

I chose option 2.