I've been told over and over that it's completely natural to be angry with God during this time.
Truth be told, I'm not angry with God. I am angry though. I am angry with myself for letting this happen. I am angry that Matthew wasn't more of a priority for more people. Most of all, I'm angry with people that have absolutely no appreciation for the amazing gift they have been given by having a child.
The anger with myself is something that I have to deal with and I know part of the grieving process will allow me to one day be at peace with. I know that it will not be an easy journey and it will be a journey that will take time.
My anger with others in regards to Matthew is an anger that subsides a little bit each day. I know that I did all I could to bring Matthew into the lives other as frequently as possible. Some people were super, duper awesome and visited him as much as they could. As for the others, my anger melts into a bit of, I don't know, sadness for them. I know that so many think tomorrow is promised and owed to us. I know it's easy to put off until tomorrow or next week or next month or next year because in your wildest dreams, you don't think that the worse will happen to someone you know. And I am sure they have regrets. I am sure that they wish they would have done something different. But, again, I can't control or take responsibility for the actions of others.
My anger towards others is the type of anger that scares me. There is a tenant here with a little boy about 10-11 months old. He's as cute as can be, bright blue eyes and shiney blonde hair. His apartment is absolutely DISGUSTING. I mean, I wouldn't step foot in there. Today I saw him walking around with the kid in a diaper in one arm and a cigarette in his mouth. Seriously, how do you do that?? I see pregnant women all the time eating things they shouldn't, doing things they shouldn't and not seeming to care one bit about the life inside of them. I try not to judge, becaue I don't know them or their situation, but it's hard.
I know that I am anal retentive about a lot of things that may seem silly to other. I KNOW it. I know that it probably isn't healthy, but it's who I am and I love me. I'm ok with that. I am SUPER anal retentive when it comes to the health and well being of my children. I steer clear of everything that could cause damage to a baby. They say not to give honey or peanut butter until a child's one. I didn't even eat it while I was pregnant or nursing with Kaitlyn or Matthew. I stayed away from all nitrates, nitrites, caffiene, excessive amounts of sugar and made sure I ate from the whole food pyramid. I took my vitamins like they were life support. For me, being a mommy is super hard work and I try to make it even harder by giving myself this list of rules and regulations that I am not allowed to veer from.
With Matthew, I was even more strict than I was with Kaitlyn. He was my fragile little boy and I wanted the absolute best for him. I HATED pumping. Pumping is the worst feeling in the world and every day I wanted to give it up. But, I didn't. I got up every 2 hours during the night and made sure to pump every 1.5-2 hours during the day. I kept pumping even when Matthew came home. I wanted to be sure that I had an adequete supply and a good freezer stash in case my supply diminished like with Kaitlyn. I was more particular about what I ate and what I drank.
I would never, ever wish harm on a baby; regardless of how inept, unappreciative, naive, or disgusting their parent was. But, it seems awfully unfair and unjust to have him taken from me when I did everything I could to keep him healthy. I gave up so much and I did it with pleasure. I gave up trips to the mall, the store, and birthday parties with Kaitlyn so that I could stay home and keep Matthew safe and healthy in my arms.
Being a mom is hard work. It's tiring work. Being Matthew and Kaitlyn's mom left me exhausted, always hungry and stressed out at times. But, more than anything in the world, it made me happy. Sure it seemed like there weren't enough hours in the day, but there isn't anything I would trade for it.