Growing Up

Today was Kaitlyn's Due Date, 5 years ago and obviously, she decided to make us wait since her birthday isn't until Tuesday!! As every year previous, she has grown so much. She is reading, writing, spelling, telling jokes, so energetic and funny, so eager to try new things and just ready for the adventures of life. Not to mention, she is SO flippin' tall! I am so beyond excited for her birthday.

And, I'm going to enjoy every moment of her birthday party today. I've grown a lot this year and made some tough decisions that have been for the best. I'm finally a drama free mama, and sometimes, that can be hard, especially the ignoring and looking the other way part lol. But it works. I've had more time to concentrate on me and my family this year and can honestly say that I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.

I learned a couple years ago how easy it is to be a friend in happy times, the real test of friendship comes when tragedy or hardship strikes. We have endured the ultimate tragedy and have been rewarded with such amazing friends and family that I can laugh with, cry with, talk with and be real with and never have to worry about being judged, whether they will be there in hard times, or what rumors will be spread behind my back. And that, is an amazing gift. <3

I've truly been blessed in this life with such amazing friends and family. I'm so glad to be done dealing with "drama" and be at the point where I care so little that it doesn't really phase me. I'm so happy to have an amazing and supportive husband that cares so much for the family we've mad. I'm so excited for what the future holds.

Today is our Princess's special day, and I cannot wait to celebrate it with the people that mean the most to me!

Kaitlyn's Drea

This morning, Kaitlyn decided to come and sleep in our bed. She had a sad dream she said, but it had a happy ending. She finally told us what it was about. This was her dream:

Everything in the world was turning white. All the water was gone, all the grass was gone and everything was slowly turning white. She had to go to God and ask him to fix the world. Her cousin Hope (who had high and long pigtails at the side of her head) and her friend Richard from school, walked up 30 stairs into the clouds to talk to God. She couldn't see him, but she asked him nicely to save the World and to fix it. So, God put his big hands on the whole world and slowly it all started to be saved. While Kaitlyn was in the clouds, she could see Matthew and he was so big he looked like he was almost 3! Once God had finished, her, Hope and Richard got sad because they missed their mommies and started heading back down the long staircase. When they got back down, the grass was green, there was water again and she wanted to celebrate. So, we had a pool party and everyone was happy that the world was saved.

A reading about Loss

My child has died - what can you do to help?

Please don't ask "how are you?" unless you really want to know the answer...

How are you?" has become a meaningless greeting to which the expected answer
is "fine". But I am not fine. At best I'm a bit fragile and a lot of the
time I'm far worse - I feel upset, hurt, bewildered, angry, guilty. But
these and other normal feelings which follow the death of someone you love
are not the things of polite conversation. So if you are not prepared to
hear about them, choose another way to greet me.



Don't expect to much of me too soon....

If I'd broken my leg I'd have a plaster cast on and you wouldn't expect me
to get back to normal for months. you can't put broken feelings in plaster
and you can't see the scars. But they need time to heal and I need time to
come to terms with the realization that "normal" from now on is life without
my child.



Don't ignore the death or the child that died...

You wouldn't have any trouble talking about good news. If I'd just won Lotto
it would be the first thing you would mention. Bad news is different - you
probably don't know what to say or how to say it. But the death of my child
is the most important thing in my life and it helps to acknowledge that.



Be honest, and try to avoid platitudes...

"This is awful, I don't know what to say" is far more help than cliched
phrases that aren't true anyway. Time alone doesn't heal, the fact we've got
each other is irrelevant because two drowning people can't save each other
and there is no comfort in the thought of this misery being God's will.



Don't think that having, or being able to have, other children will lessen
the pain of my child's death...

A child who loses a favorite toy will not be placated by a substitute. And
so it is with people. I loved my child for who he was as an individual, not
as an interchangeable piece in a set and mourning for him, at least at first
will strain rather than strengthen bonds with other children.



If you want to help, make specific offers not empty promises...

Saying "if there's anything I can do" might make you feel good, but I'm
unlikely to take you up because I probably don't know what I need and I'm
unsure what your "anything" means. However if you turn up with food, an
offer to babysit, or just a listening ear, your kindness will be gratefully
accepted.



Practice, don't preach...

However weak or strong my faith, and whatever your beliefs, this is no time
for sermons.



Be sensitive...

I find it hard to believe life in the outside world is still going on when
my private world has collapsed. I hope my child's death won't leave me
bitter. But it will take me time, months, years, before the weight of my own
feelings lightens enough to allow me to share your joys or sorrows.



Don't expect me to follow a prescribed pattern of grieving...

Denial, anger, guilt, depression and acceptance are all stages in the grief
process but no two people will go through them in the same way. I'll have
good days and bad days, sometimes I'll cope with a lot, at other times I'll
be phased by little things. It may seem illogical to you, but then feelings
often are.



Don't confuse control with coping...

A stiff upper lip probably means I've got a tight rein on my feelings, not
that I have come to terms with them. You may not be comfortable with crying
or screaming but they are far healthier than numbness, which is a sign of
denial.



Keep in touch...

I'll always be grateful for the practical and moral support you gave
immediately after the death and I know you have to get on with your life.

But grief doesn't end with the funeral and occasional phone call, note or
visit will let me know you haven't forgotten.



The death of my child has left me emotionally and spiritually shattered. It
will take time to put the pieces together again, to rebuild relationships.
But when things get really bad, knowing there is a friend who cares may be
all I need to tip the balance in favour of recovery.

The balance of Mondays

Mondays always had a different feel to them. In school, they were always the day that spoiled the fun and good times of the weekend. When working, they were the days that spoiled sleeping in and doing what "I" wanted to do.

Matthew's due date was a Monday. So, every Monday in the hospital was a day of celebration. The days inched towards Monday and when it came there was no better feeling. Mondays meant accomplishment, they meant more time, they meant we were that much closer to being full term.

Matthew was born in the week hours of a Monday. 4:29 in the morning, before the sun had a chance to come up, but it still counted. After that, Mondays still had that same feeling. Every Monday, Matthew was a week older, a week stronger and surpassed expectations.

Mondays were great.

Until that October day. Matthew died at the wee hours in the morning on a Monday. An hour before his birthday time.

After that, Mondays were such an awful reminder. With each Monday that passed, it was another week that we were separated, it was another week that he should have been a week older.

One week later, on a Monday, Matthew was laid to rest. It had been 11 weeks, exactly, since his birth.

It was as though, Mondays needed a balance. There was just too much joy on a Monday, and then so much sadness that they balanced out.

Nothing of real significance occured again on a Monday. Well, until nearly 2 weeks ago. We watched another Mommy defy the odds, ignore the poorly given advice and delivery her baby boy the natural way. It was absolutely amazing and breathtaking and emotional beyond belief.

I didn't see Matthew be born. I was seperated by a curtain, I suppose so I wouldn't be disgusted with seeing my innards on the outside. But, I can see it in my mind as though there wasn't a curtain there at all. And not in the outisde of my body kind of way. I can perfectly imagine myself laying down in that same position, Dusty above me and my doctor making his finger into a hook and pulling Matthew out.

The following Monday, we got the awful news that two mother's in our community were suffering the loss of their children. A child is your baby for all of time. It is no easier when the child is in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s or older or just a small baby, child or teen. A child is a child forever. It is a part of your heart, a part of your soul, a part of your everything.

One of my dearest and most respected friends lost her niece. A precious little girl who has left behind a family who loves her and a community that misses her.

Both children will be laid to rest tomorrow, a Monday.

Mondays have become so bittersweet. There is so much joy and happiness and so much sadness and dispair.

When you have your children, you cannot possibly imagine what it would be like to lose them. You hear stories on the radio, in the news, about a child losing their life and your heart breaks for the family and you think about how you could not imagine that loss, that pain, that grief or how in the world the world could keep living.

When you have lived it, you know the nightmare the mother is living. You know the unexplainable grief, the inexplicable pain, the inability to see past today, the guilt, the sadness, the what if's, the nightmares, the constant battle. And your heart breaks for those poor parents. Those poor siblings, that poor family.

Life will never again be the same for them. They will never again walk on this Earth together, they will never again have the option for a family picture. They will never again be blessed with their laughter, their smile, their kisses, their tears, their smiles, their silly faces, their dramatics, their physical love. They will go to birthday parties for others and wonder what their child would look like, act like and love at that age and stage in their lives. They will celebrate Christmas, fighting back tears, they will never be whole again. And there is nothing anyone or anything can do to change that.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the parents who have had to bury their children. I pray that they find peace and serenity. I pray that they find joy in the memories they have with their children. My deepest sympathies and hugs go out to the family members who are both grieving and trying to support the mourning parents.

Hello!

One of my favorite parts of myspace was blogging. But, now that I've been introduced to facebook, it seems silly to go to myspace just to blog. But, I need an outlet. I need the ability to express my thoughts, I just can't help it.

The last few days have been so emotional. Mother's day was hard last year too. I mean, all any mother really wants for Mother's day is to spend time with her family. No matter how much we want that, we can't have that exactly. We are always one person short, one soul missing, one smile not there, two little hands not being held and all of the hugs and kisses that we miss out on. It's not exactly easy.

My best possible remedy is to stay busy. And that is exactly what I do. I try and create memories and be the best wife and mom and friend that I can possibly be.

Today was the "breakdown" day I suppose. Dusty has been asking me what I want for Mother's Day, and my answer is the same as always "nothing." And like always, that isn't good enough.

So yesterday I was greeted with my traditional cards and candy that I love with lots of love and the "When do you want to go shopping for Mother's Day" I know that I am hard to shop for. If I mention to Dusty that I want anything, he either gets it or tells me to go and get it.

Kaitlyn was swimming this afternoon when I started looking around the pool thinking of all the plants I wanted and where they would go when I started my map and list. I knew exactly what I wanted, how many, where and how much they would cost from what Store. So, I texted Dusty and told him that's what I wanted and he sent me out when I got home to get it.

I headed to Walmart and of course, they were sold out of EVERYTHING. How in the world is that possible?? I was just there last Tuesday buying flowers and they were stocked like crazy! So, of course that throws the map, the list, the wants, the everything out the window. It was so unfair that what I wanted wasn't what I could have. So unfair that I couldn't just buy what I wanted, get it planted and watered before I went to bed. Seriously, how difficult is that.

So, like an idiot, I started crying. It wasn't just over the stupid flowers, but everything. It's so incredibly frustrating that we want things, work for things and get a big fat no slammed in our face.

Even though we were both terrified, worried, unsure and not very confident of our ability to handle a third pregnancy and a third child, once that baby was a reality, it was ours. We picked out names, we rented the first house we kind of liked, we put Matthew's furniture in the extra baby room taking precaution that it would be the best one for the baby. I had decided on a nursery theme and was avidly searching for the perfect decor to go with it. We allowed ourselves to get excited. We accepted this baby in our lives even though it was hard. And it became a very wanted baby, so to have that taken away was hard.

Matthew was wanted, is wanted, is loved, is missed, is cared for and again, it was taken away.

It was never our intention to have Kaitlyn grow up as an only child. Never ever. I wouldn't want that for her. I don't think that's fair to her. I don't think that's fair to us. And once we were pregnant again, we realized that we could do this. We could go through another pregnancy and we could love another baby. A new baby wouldn't replace Matthew in any way or form. A new baby wouldn't take our love away from him and it wouldn't replace all of my memories of our precious son.

And since we lost that pregnancy we have wanted to expand our family, yet it doesn't seem to be working out how it's supposed to. Who knew it would be so difficult for tens of thousands of sperm to find one little egg. Seriously!

Literally minutes after my crying fest, Dusty sent me a funny text. It was silly and juvenille and had perfect timing.

So, I went across the parking lot to Home Depot, got there at 7:05 and the garden center closed at 7. So, I snuck back there lol! And while I didn't get what I thought I wanted, I did get some beautiful new plants, and there is always tomorrow to plant them :)

I may not be the same person I was 2 years ago, but that's ok. I've learned a lot. I've grown a lot. I've learned to be able to concentrate on what really matters in life. I've learned that there are times it is perfectly ok to put me, my families and my feelings first, regardless of whether or not people approve. I've learned to stop seeking approval. I've learned to do what makes me happy. I've learned that I have some of the most amazing friends in the world. And they've been tested. It is so easy to be friends during fun and easy times, but to be able to be a good friend in the midst of tragedy and what an amazing person it takes to put your own feelings aside to be there for someone else. I am so grateful for the amazing friends that have been here for us through the tragedies and hardships of the last couple of years.

We may not always get what we want, but I take solace in knowing that God has a plan and all will work out.

I am incredibly thankful for the amazing friends and family I have.



Thank you for the help and support when I was resting, thank you for
helping me unpack when I was unable to help, thank you for bringing
play dates to me, thank you for the phone calls, hours of texting and
emails to keep me company, giving me suggestions on new message boards,
offers of help with all things baby and just amazing support and
excitment for bringing a new baby into the world. The excitement and
support is what I needed most.



A pregnancy after loss is so hard in so many ways. It is emotional,
difficult, worrisome, exciting and an adventure. You question yourself,
your body and what the opinions of others will be and how you will
handle them.



It is incredibly heart warming to have so many people there when it matters most and I am so grateful to you for that.



Thank You

Disappointed

Last night, we miscarried.

Matthew is now joined in heaven by his sibling.

Thank you to all of our amazing friends for their support and kindness.

Oh What Joys 2009 Can Bring

2009 is filled with lots of exciting updates for our family!

My new years resolutions are going great! I haven't had a problem with weight gain at all, it could be because by the time I set my new year's resolutions I was already 1 day or so pregnant! It's amazing what something as small as a grape does to your appetite!

This pregnancy is bringing a lot of emotions, everything from being excited, fearful, happy, nervous, sad, torn, thrilled and on and on and on.

My due date is September 30 (7 days after Matthew's). I will more than likely have a cesarean mid September (as long as I make it full term, fingers, toes, legs and eyes all crossed).

I'm already on restricted activity because of some bleeding, but everything else looks good. We saw the heart beat on Thursday at 125 bpm and the baby is measuring right on track!

We're also almost all the way into our new house! We're excited to have people over, especially this summer since the pool is gorgeous! And tempting!

We hope 2009 brings you much happiness!!

babyhomepages.net/millerbaby09

New Years, New Begginings

One of the great things about a new year is a new beginning. The calendar starts fresh. You get to start fresh. You get the opportunity to try and change, do or explore anything you want to.

I love challenges. So, it makes sense that I look forward to resolutions.

My resolutions this year are classic and simple. They involve personal appearances, health and personal growth. I know, so original :)

My first goals involve personal appearances and health.

Right now, I am 112 pounds :) So, I have shown improvement over years past, yippee! I want to gain 13 pounds. I want to be 125 pounds, that is still 5 pounds under "ideal" for my height, but I think it's obtainable. And, I would like to accomplish it by May 1, before the summer starts so I can properly enjoy it. That's 3.25 pounds a month. Which is only 13 ounces a week, only 1.85 ounces a day.

My health goals are more multi-tiered. I want to completely give up caffeine. I've been pretty good the past couple months, I just want to be completely done. Related, I also want to be sure to find more natural ways to go to sleep at night. No more sleeping aides. I also want to increase my water intake to 64 ounces a day (which I am really close to!), increase my intake of fruits and veggies and to hit the gym 5 days a week, which is probably how I'll hit the first goal.

My personal growth goals invovle making more memories, and to not sweat the small stuff. I'm going to do more of the things I like to do, because I like to do them and ensure that the ones that matter are in that front row. I am going to give up on the things that don't matter and the things that will never change.

I have two mini goals while I'm at it. Archie needs to loose weight. Like 20 pounds. He's at 44 pounds now :( We've already cut out any extra food and limit his intake. So, now we need to work on excersise with him.

My second mini goal is fresh flowers at the cemetery. We keep it decorated, there a few times a week, take care of the grass and clean the marker weekly (we actually do this for several plots around Matthew's as well), but I do think that fresh flowers would look so much better than the artificial ones like we have been doing. So, each week I want to take out fresh flowers.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful New Years. May 2009 bring you nothing but joy and harmony!!