The last 3 years have been hard for us. I don't think that without going through at least part of it someone could understand the toll it takes on your life to lose a child. The way it changes you, the way it changes your day to day life, the way it weighs on you or changes your outlook on every single thing you do and experience. I think it makes you experience the world in an entirely different way, and not necessarily in a bad way. I think you have a deeper appreciation for many things in life and you understand things on a different level. And while those are great qualities to have, I'm sure there isn't a single parent out there who has lost a child that wouldn't trade that insight, that knowledge, or the "new you" to have your child back even for a brief moment. It adds years to your life.
In 3 years we've buried a child, tried to get pregnant and succeeded 4 times in a 12 month period. Obviously to succeed in pregnancy that many times in a 12 month period, it means that at least 3 of those pregnancies didn't go well. Pregnancy loss is such a whole different world, it takes away any innocence you may still have left. And it can cause a hell of a lot of bitterness when you have shows on TV like "Pregnant and..." or you see "crackheads" on the street obviously pregnant and you wonder to yourself "why them? why not me?" Or you see obviously fertile couples who don't have a care in the world announcing their 78th pregnancy caused by just looking at each other from across the room. It is so easy to wallow in self pity and wonder why there can't be just a little fairness in the world sometimes.
I'm a pretty darn positive person. I like looking for silver linings, I like the bright side, I like thinking that tomorrow is a new day filled with new possibilities. And I like to think I am a pretty strong person, but everyone has their limits. Some people push those limits for whatever reason and some people recognize those limits and respect them. I wish I could say I was the latter.
Yesterday, a post on facebook got me thinking. When I woke up this morning, I was still thinking about it and how it related to us. I was starting to push it out of my mind when I did my morning blog checks and came across this article posted on a blog, Facebook and Infertility, and while we obviously are not infertile, I found myself relating to quite a bit of the article.
"Diane Colling, an occupational therapist and fertility patient, was scrolling through her Facebook page last week when, once again, she was bombarded by a friend's exuberant broadcast about her pregnancy. "Your daughter will hold your hand for a little while, but will hold your heart for a lifetime," her brother's pregnant girlfriend posted."
I can completely relate to that. At least twice a month, to half the people on facebook it's son's week: