Saturday, October 16, 2010

October 15th

I just plain and simply don't like that day.  Just looking at it somewhere can make my blood run cold.  And when the calendar says that is what the day is, it makes you not want to look at the calendar. 

Yesterday marked the third anniversary of the day Matthew left us.  It's a crappy anniversary to remember.  Yet, it's one that you not only cannot forget, but you don't want to forget.  Forgetting that one day would mean forgetting the days that led up to it, and while the pain is unbearable and unbelievable I will take it if it means remembering the time we had together.

But how do you honor that?  How do you make that day have meaning?  In a perfect world the day obviously wouldn't exist, and if it were a nearly perfect world, perhaps the world would just stop doing everything that day?  Obviously, it doesn't.  Life continues to go on.  People continue to live their lives, those around us still get to have this wonderful and blessed day and strangers go on as though there is nothing different in the world.  But you can't.  You don't.  Everything you do drifts back to what the day is, the importance and the significance of it and how everything else that you seem to be doing is meaningless.

Now that Kaitlyn is in school, she isn't here with me on Matthew's angel day.  And while I contemplate every year keeping her home, I ask myself why?  Why should I deny her the fun of being with her friends and enjoying the sunshine and what the day has to offer because it would make me feel better?  How selfish is that?

And it is days like yesterday, days when you know that you have been robbed of having a toddler home with you, that the silence is even more deafening.  It's those days where you can almost hear what it should sound like at home while Kaitlyn is in school, but you don't hear it. 

So, I kept the day simple.  Kaitlyn went to school.  Fridays are her favorite and least favorite day of the week at school.  She loves homework celebration day (a celebration for everyone who turns in their homework on time and complete) but hates Friday afternoon sing (she says it's a waste of time when they could be learning).

I came home.  I did some cleaning.  Really, I made sure that everything was picked up and put away and organized so today could be a deep clean day.  And normally I would go online for a little while, but honestly all that does is remind you that lives everywhere continue to go on.  And the news serves as a constant reminder that there is pure evil in the world, parents who do not deserve the gift of children and innocent lives suffering because of it.  Considering that it's already an emotional day and I'm obviously hormonal, that's the last thing I need.

Then I decided to go shopping.  Dusty has been telling me to go and buy myself something at the Coach store (I have a coupon that expires tomorrow) and to treat myself and what better day to do it?  Except I drove there and honestly didn't find a single thing that I really liked.  I toyed with the idea of getting another diaper bag, but I already love the one I have and really do I want to spend that much on something I am going to shove under my stroller?

So instead I went shopping for my two favorite little girls in the world.  Kaitlyn and Samantha got new wardrobes from Gymboree and The Gap.  As though either of them needed even one more piece of clothing.  But, oh well.

From then I went and picked up the fall decorations for Matthew's site.  I opted to keep it simple and figure Kaitlyn will undoubtedly pick him out a baby pumpkin and decorate for him to take out there on Halloween and I want to leave room for it.  I met Dusty at the cemetery and decorated with the things I had brought.  We sat there for a while.  It was incredible and almost irritating how warm it was.  It seemed so odd to have it be so hot and so close to Halloween.  And I'm sure this extended heat we've been experiencing is why the grass looks so bad.  Dusty thinks we should put turf in, I'm contemplating hiring a landscaping company to re-sod his site and then upkeep it until it's nice and implanted.

Dusty and I were able to have lunch together, which is always nice.  I went to Walmart to pick up a few things we needed around the house before I went to pick up Kaitlyn from school.  We went to the grocery store and picked up some things for dinner and snacks for daddy to eat while he watches today's game.  She opened all the goodies I got her while I put away groceries and then together we worked on stuffing the envelopes for her birthday invitations.  They are just about ready to be mailed out :)

For dinner we had shrimp and beef tacos together and after more time together it was finally time for the day to end and us all to go to bed.

The most important things we can do to honor Matthew's life is to continue to live ours.  To keep our family together and strong and to remember him in our daily activities.  No matter how much I may want to be able to, I cannot go back in time, I cannot bring him back, I cannot replace him, I cannot pretend that year never took place.  He is a part of our family and a part of our lives.  Thank you so much to everyone that helped keep his memory alive yesterday and who included us in their thoughts.  Knowing that others care is always comforting and appreciated.  Thank you.

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