Thursday, December 16, 2010

How do you know when you're *done*?

Normally, one would feel done having babies when their family felt complete.  But, what if that doesn't happen?  What if your family never feels complete?

When we were trying to conceive little miss Samantha, I thought that having her would help our family feel complete and we'd feel done.  I felt as though we should be raising 2 children, so if we were given that opportunity, all would be well.

Well, guess what?  Now, i feel as though I should be raising 3.  And I should be.  I should have a 6 year old, 3 year old and 5 week old running and crying through the house at 6 in the morning. Two girls and a boy.  But, we aren't.  We're raising 2 girls, a 6 year old and a 5 week old and missing our 3 year old son.

So, then, the thought enters your mind that maybe if you have one more, then you'll feel complete.  And if it's a boy and you are given the opportunity to raise a son after having that chance ripped away from you, but, it wouldn't replace our opportunity to raise Matthew, our first son, our second child.  And nothing is going to fix that.  Nothing is going to fill that void.

Which leaves the question, if you will always be missing a part of your family and one of your children, how can your family ever feel complete?  And if it never feels complete, how can you know you are done?  I can imagine that even if we became the Duggars, had 18 more kids, we would still be imcomplete, Matthew would still be gone and missed.

Wouldn't it be  nice to have a crystal ball and know what the future holds?


Tiffany said...

you are right. unfortunately we will never be complete because 1 of our family members will forever be missing on this side. so we can fill our lives with as much love as possible, and try to adjust to life without our boys. it's a horrible reality for those of us that have lost children. and it pains me so much that i have to move forward without Juju - as i'm sure it pains you. you know i mentioned to D after he passed away that i now understand the Duggars. i never got them, and why they had so many children. nothing beats the love of your children/family. it's the best. and i hope to surround myself with as much love as possible (on a smaller scale though - lol). it would be nice to have a crystal ball. i see lots of ulcers in my future from so much worry. :(

Lindsay said...

I've often wondered the same thing. After we lost Ayden, I knew that having another child as soon as possible was the only thing that could ease the pain. Once we got pregnant, I wondered if we found out it was a boy...would it help us feel complete again, since we were the parents to one baby boy with Ayden. If this new baby was a boy, perhaps it would fill that void. Well, we did find out it was a boy, and when Collen was born, that somewhat-complete feeling I thought might come most certainly didn't because we are the parents of 2 boys; I should have been holding a newborn and a 16 month old. Now that Collen is almost 4 months old, I still feel Ayden's absence every moment of every day. It always feels like something's missing. So, in cases like ours...I don't think we'll ever feel complete....not until we're with our children again.

Melissa said...

I often feel like that too, that our family will always feel incomplete. I hope that in time that hole in my heart will lessen a bit, but from talking to mom's that lost their children even many years ago it seems to remain for most. It's hard to accept that reality for me somedays.