Thursday, November 29, 2007

Do you know what makes me uncomfortable?

Being in a house where there are no pictures of Matthew up. Especially if there are pictures up of Kaitlyn. Regardless of the reason or excuse, it makes me feel as though is life, his presence and his image wasn't or isn't as appreciated or loved as hers or as others. And to be honest, that makes me feel terrible and lonely when I'm there.

I understand different people grieve differently, I understand that sometimes the pictures may be difficult to look at, BELIEVE me I know that. However, he was and is such an important part of our lives and our family that I want a part of him to be there with us always.

I enjoy being in rooms where I can see him 'watching' over us. It reminds me even more that he was here and he was a living, breathing little boy that brought us so much joy. And really, the joy means so much more to me than the heartache.

Even if it isn't true, it feels like in some cases, people want to forget he was ever here. Regardless of how they truly feel, that is the message I get and I don't like it. Not at all. Dusty and I went through a lot of effort to make sure that everyone who knew Matthew and who loved him had a nice collection of pictures of Matthew. We made sure 8x10s were included of different aspects of his life with different expressions. It was the one time where Dusty told me money was no object and he wanted to be sure everyone had plenty. I know it probably shouldn't be hurtful when I go places where his picture isn't, but it is.

I don't want Matthew to be forgotten, his presense to be ignored or for his place in our family to be replaced.

There is another thing that makes me uncomfortable.

I have absolutely no desire to leave Kaitlyn with anyone other than Dusty. It isn't necessarily that I don't trust people, but rather I don't want to be away from her. I know how short and unpromised life is and I want to savor every moment that I have with her. I know eventually, I will have to cross that hurdle, but I'm sure when I do, things will be different.

Kaitlyn has a tendency to tell everyone "My baby died." I use to think it was because she was confused or didn't understand what was happening. I think I now realize what a smart, bright and loving little girl she is. I think Kaitlyn says it because she wants people to remember her brother. She wants to talk about Matthew to everyone just as she did when he was alive. She went from people asking her every day how Matthew was doing and how she liked being a big sister to all of a sudden no one asking and no one thinking of her as a big sister.

I think Kaitlyn wants to keep his memory alive. I think she is really scared of people forgetting. I am sure that it is a lot to absorb for a 3 year old little girl, but she has to grieve and work through things just as we all do.

I've been in situations where Kaitlyn has said this and people have completely ignored what she's said or pretended she didn't say it. Kaitlyn is a little girl opening up to people and trying to engage them in conversation about her brother whom she still loves very much. How could or can anyone ignore that? As far as I'm concered, if Kaitlyn wants to talk to you about something and she trusts you enough to tell you about her amazing little brother, please give her the respect, and love that she deserves. I know it might make you a little uncomfortable to talk about but just telling her "I know, that's very sad" is enough to make her feel validated.

And that's enough whining for now

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