It's still so hard to believe that we are entering a new month without Matthew. It's like the worst possible dream and no matter how hard I try, I can't wake up from it. There is so much I miss. I miss the way his back felt when I would rub it to help him sleep. I miss the way he would lay next to me and nurse himself to sleep. I miss the noise he would make when he thought he was going to sneeze but it was a false alarm. I miss Kaitlyn loving on him and when I would tell her no, she would say "But, I wuv him, he's my Brudda" I miss cuddling with him in the morning. He would rub forheads with me and slumber into sleep. I miss changing his diapers, changing his clothes, giving him his baths, swaddling him, hugging him, carrying him, picking him up, watching him sleep, feeling his breath, cleaning up his spit up, talking to him, singing to him, having him with me, having him in the snugli, having him talk back to me. I miss him so very much.
Today was the first day since we've lost Matthew that I've been able to eat more than once during the day and actually keep it down. I had lunch with Kaitlyn at Strings (check out pictures tomorrow) and I ate dinner. Not a lot of food, but it's a start. Now, if I could get more than 2-3 hours sleep a night that would be great. Or if those 2-3 hours could at least be solid sleep, I would be satisfied and Kaitlyn just might stop asking if my eyes are "broken"
I want more than anything to have him back. There isn't anything I wouldn't give for just a moment with him, a moment to kiss him and smell him and tell him how much we love him. I am so used to him being with me all the time, him being away is so hard. I got a new necklace yesterday. It's his picture etched on white gold surrounded by a heart of diamonds. I love it. It makes me feel like he's always with me. I know he is, but I like having something with him that I can touch and hold and look at and think of him by.
I know that Matthew is in a better place than this harsh, cold world, but it's so hard to think that there is any better place for a baby than his mother's arms. I know the world can be so disgusting and surrounded with so much evil, but for both Kaitlyn and Matthew I try to protect them from it. The worst thing Kaitlyn thinks people do is litter. All I wanted was to have him here as a part of our family and to have the oppurtunity to make his world bright and cheery and watch him grow up strong, handsome, smart, loved, cherished and completely adored. I am so dissapointed that I can't give that to him.
I can honestly say, the 10 weeks we had with Matthew were the happiest we've ever had and I was the happiest I have ever been. I want that 10 weeks to last longer than the blink of an eye it felt like.