Monday, December 3, 2007

New Boundries

There was a time when everything was peachy keen. I'll refer to that time as BH (Before Hospialization).

During that time, we were all happy. Sure, I think we were a little neive. We believed that nothing but good things could happen to us. I thought I knew for certain who my true, honest friends were. I really did. Sure, there were ocassionaly misunderstandings and once in a great while, some hurt feelings, but nothing that couldn't be repaired.

When I was in the hospital, I started to wake up a bit. I think I realized that for some, you have to really explain what it is you need. Be it a phone call once in a while, maybe a short visit, maybe even just an e-mail once in a while.

When Matthew came home, it was more of the same. Some people were absolutely awesome and amazing and some people couldn't be found. Again, things were discussed and I thought that my thoughts, feelings and expectations, albeit low, were known.

In Matthew's passing, I've learned so much about friends. You cannot make someone be a good friend. You cannot change people or who they are. And if they don't get it after 3 or 4 times, they probably aren't going to get it. I don't think this makes them bad people, but it does mean that I have to change what friendship means to me.

BH, I didn't have a hard time where I really needed to lean on friends. Everything was happy go lucky. Looking back, I think I lulled myself into believing that some friendships were more than they were. I blame myself for that. I wanted this ideal world to be true where I was as close to people as I thought I was and really, I wasn't. I was so silly and naive to even think I was.

Turns out, I'm always going to be the bad guy to some. I'm not sure what it is or why it is, but it is and that's what matters. And really, I'm starting to be Ok with being on the outside looking in. Being on the outside means I don't have to participate in as much of the drama. Being on the outside means the hurtful comments or remarks hurt a little less. Being on the outside means that I know what to expect. I know that the first to leave the room is the first to be discussed.

To fix this and ensure that I spend my precious time wisely, I'm setting new boundries. There are some things we will only do as a family. For example, if Dusty isn't available, neither are me and Kaitlyn. He can be my support in times when I need it. I need to learn not to be so trusting to some. I hate opening up to someone just to know that it's being spread around like the day's hot gossip. So, I need to stop doing that. I need to keep my guard up and high and lean on those that have always been there for me when I need to lean.

I am sad that it has to be this way, but really, I don't know any other way for it to be? I don't have all of the answers and I don't know of a better solution. I just know that I am at a point in my life where I have to protect myself and my family before the feelings of others.

I am sad that I don't have the friendships that I had. But, I don't blame anyone for it. I can't change who people are and I wouldn't want to. Just as I wouldn't want others to try and change me. I am a passionate, caring, loving, enthusiastic person who trys so hard to be there for anyone. Maybe one day, things will be different. It's something I can hope for, something I can want, and something I can accept may never be.

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