We also recently found out we have to move. As of yesterday, we have 30-60 days. The property management company and the owners had a bit of a falling out and the agreement was to terminate the business relationship. So, right at Christmas time, instead of hanging all of my pretty new sparkly decorations, I get to start packing up. As Marilyn pointed out, there are some good points to consider, such as I get to move away from the fat slob that never wears clothes and hopefully we can find a street that has less traffic. Of course, the move also has an overabundance of bad points. For one, no Christmas decorating, no Christmas tree, an even busier holiday season, and we have to pack up Matthew's room far before I'm ready to. I still have his bassinet next to my bed and a load of laundry I have yet to wash.
This has been quite a year, let me tell ya. We started off the year in high spirits with so many dreams and aspirations. We were going to add a very special member of the family. By spring we knew we were having a boy and picked out his name. I had fun being pregnant and Kaitlyn had fun kissing my tummy. I had planned out my maternity pictures and talked about the baby shower while we picked out names and nursery decor. Summer started with a big burst! My water broke and we were told that we would deliver before I was even 6 months pregnant and our baby boy wouldn't make it. Our summer was spent proving them wrong while I spent 65 days stuck in a hospital bed waiting for the day Matthew would be in our arms. He was delivered and another 4 days later, I got to hold him. We spent 4 weeks with him in the NICU, cheering with every cc of milk he took in. We finally brought him home and everything was great. 6 weeks later, we lost him. Kaitlyn didn't get to play with him anymore, I didn't get to hold him anymore and Dusty didn't get to cuddle with him anymore. And now, we are moving. That is a lot to go through in a year, even more when you realize, it's all taken place since June.
I know that we will endure this and anything else that comes our way, but it's only natural to be worried for Kaitlyn and for Dusty. I am so surprised and proud of how good Kaitlyn is doing. It is completely normal for a child to regress and close up after some of the tragedies she's had to endure. She had to be without her mommy for 10 weeks, become a big sister, lose her brother all in such a short time frame. Yet, she's continue to grow and thrive, exceeding expectations for a child her age and far exceeding expectations for a child enduring that kind of trauma.
Perhaps, this is for the best. While we love Matthew with all of our hearts and the hole he left in our hearts and family is much too large for science to ever measure, it also might be healthy and nice to start the new year with a fresh start. A fresh beginning. While I do not love this place at all, I do love being in rooms that Matthew was in, being reminded that he was here and he was so very much alive. And I am comforted by the pyhsical reminders we have that Matthew was here that will not be present in a new place. It would not be logical for me to keep the bassinet next to my side of the bed after moving, but right now, I can't dream of moving it. I know that the memories are in my heart and will go with us, but it isn't the same.
I know it's been a long and trying year. I am incredibly grateful for the amazing friends and family that have been a source of inspiration and support. Those who are always there for us.
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