Monday, November 5, 2007

Today promises to be a rough one

Yesterday was the last day of my Maternity leave. Today, I am thrown wth full force back into the working world.

The last day I worked was June 1. I worked a half day since Dusty's cousin was in town and Kaitlyn really wanted to see her cousin. It was a fun day, it was an easy day at work.

The day after, Saturday, was the last day I was at home. Late that night, my water broke and I started on this journey.

In the 5 months, I have managed to avoid most tenants. It isn't a matter of being rude, more like a matter of not wanting to be the topic of idle gossip. In Matthew's final days, I had planned out what the days would be like when I started back. My plan was I would take Kaitlyn to school and then Matthew and I would have an hour to spend together. We could play, cuddle, feed, talk, sing just have fun all to ourselves. Then, I would start work and he would be with me. I have everything I need to have a mini downstairs nursery and I really looked forward to showing him off. I thought it would be easier to explain if I could show the fruits of my hard work.

Instead, I am now trying to clean everything in our living room up. I have an hour. Kaitlyn is at school and the only noise I hear is the tapping of my nails on the keyboard and the dryer tumbling our clothes.

I do not look forward to explaining my absense. I do not look forward to the looks, the stares, the comments and the expressions people make when I have to explain that our son is no longer with us. It's hard enough for me to think about, the thought of just saying the words puts a lump in my throat.

Dusty's solution was to tell people I didn't want to talk about it. But, then I have to wonder if that makes it worse. I remember shortly before my water broke, an emotional tenant asked about my pregnancy. I declined to comment and told her I would rather not discuss it. She burst into tears about how I was a terrible, uncaring person and all she wanted was to be friends. I am not friends with tenants. Do you know how hard it is to evict someone you like?

I just hope today passes quickly.

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