Thursday, November 29, 2007

Do you know what makes me uncomfortable?

Being in a house where there are no pictures of Matthew up. Especially if there are pictures up of Kaitlyn. Regardless of the reason or excuse, it makes me feel as though is life, his presence and his image wasn't or isn't as appreciated or loved as hers or as others. And to be honest, that makes me feel terrible and lonely when I'm there.

I understand different people grieve differently, I understand that sometimes the pictures may be difficult to look at, BELIEVE me I know that. However, he was and is such an important part of our lives and our family that I want a part of him to be there with us always.

I enjoy being in rooms where I can see him 'watching' over us. It reminds me even more that he was here and he was a living, breathing little boy that brought us so much joy. And really, the joy means so much more to me than the heartache.

Even if it isn't true, it feels like in some cases, people want to forget he was ever here. Regardless of how they truly feel, that is the message I get and I don't like it. Not at all. Dusty and I went through a lot of effort to make sure that everyone who knew Matthew and who loved him had a nice collection of pictures of Matthew. We made sure 8x10s were included of different aspects of his life with different expressions. It was the one time where Dusty told me money was no object and he wanted to be sure everyone had plenty. I know it probably shouldn't be hurtful when I go places where his picture isn't, but it is.

I don't want Matthew to be forgotten, his presense to be ignored or for his place in our family to be replaced.

There is another thing that makes me uncomfortable.

I have absolutely no desire to leave Kaitlyn with anyone other than Dusty. It isn't necessarily that I don't trust people, but rather I don't want to be away from her. I know how short and unpromised life is and I want to savor every moment that I have with her. I know eventually, I will have to cross that hurdle, but I'm sure when I do, things will be different.

Kaitlyn has a tendency to tell everyone "My baby died." I use to think it was because she was confused or didn't understand what was happening. I think I now realize what a smart, bright and loving little girl she is. I think Kaitlyn says it because she wants people to remember her brother. She wants to talk about Matthew to everyone just as she did when he was alive. She went from people asking her every day how Matthew was doing and how she liked being a big sister to all of a sudden no one asking and no one thinking of her as a big sister.

I think Kaitlyn wants to keep his memory alive. I think she is really scared of people forgetting. I am sure that it is a lot to absorb for a 3 year old little girl, but she has to grieve and work through things just as we all do.

I've been in situations where Kaitlyn has said this and people have completely ignored what she's said or pretended she didn't say it. Kaitlyn is a little girl opening up to people and trying to engage them in conversation about her brother whom she still loves very much. How could or can anyone ignore that? As far as I'm concered, if Kaitlyn wants to talk to you about something and she trusts you enough to tell you about her amazing little brother, please give her the respect, and love that she deserves. I know it might make you a little uncomfortable to talk about but just telling her "I know, that's very sad" is enough to make her feel validated.

And that's enough whining for now

Sunday, November 25, 2007

A Year of Growth

This year I have grown so much that it feels so unreal.

Our family grew by 2 feet, 2 hands and a huge heart. We grew by a whole other person! How amazing is that? What an incredible gift we have been giving in having Matthew as a part of our family.

And, I think I've grown in so many ways that it's hard to ever explain. I've learned so much. I've learned to give up control when it comes to things I cannot control to begin with. I've learned the importance of family. Not just those related by blood, but the family members that are built from a sense of love, belonging and a desire to want more for the other.

I've learned that there are so many things in life that are just so unimportant. Honestly, who really cares about what you have when who you have and who you are holds such more weight in the long run? The most valuable things we have are time and love. Neither are promised to us and both are taken for granted so often it seriously makes me ill.

I used to always plan everything so carefully, my words, my actions, my plans, so no one would ever have their feelings hurt or feel left out. Do you have any idea how much energy that requires? I spent more time trying to protect everyone I know that there wasn't much time or energy left for the actual event or for our family. And for what? It's rare that many put forth that same energy or level of dedication towards us. I think I've spent so much time and energy trying so hard to please everyone, I stopped being myself and I stopped worrying about myself and my family. I'm so over that. If people don't like me or appreciate me by now, they never will. People read so much into things sometimes that it makes me wonder why they don't have something better to do?

I have also learned that actions speak so much louder than words ever could. While words, good and bad, may echo in my head for a lifetime, actions can warm or cool my heart for an eternity. I want my actions to mean something.

Recently, I've learned that rumors are just that. I shouldn't accept what someone else says as truth, just because they say it. It isn't fair to the person that it is said about or myself. I think a lot of animosity and anger I've had in the past towards people is built off of things that I've been told that I, myself, just accepted. That is so incredibly lazy and selfish on my part and I should know better. From now on, I will.

Life is so very short. Every day is an amazing and precious gift. Nothing in life is promised and very rarely is it fair. I know that we have been incredibly blessed in life and we do have so much to be thankful for.

I am incredibly thankful to have such an amazing husband. After 8 1/2 years, he still gives me butterflies in my tummy. He is my best friend, my confidant, my supporter, my reasoning and such an amazing man. He stands up for what he believes in and doesn't waste time or energy on other things. I think it's a shame that more people don't know him better or nearly as well as they would like to think they do, I think they might be pleasantly surprised.

I am incredibly thankful for our princess. Kaitlyn is a smart, gorgeous, charming, hilaroius, generous, loving, empathetic, cuddly little girl that makes every day an adventure. She is an absolute blast to hang out with and even if I wasn't her mommy, I would still want to spend every day with her, she is truly that special.

I am incredibly grateful for every second, minute, hour, day, week and month we had with our little prince. Matthew was and remains to be such an incredible part of our family. Not an hour goes by that he isn't thought of, remembered and loved. Those who knew him loved him and even those who never got to meet him have held his memory in such a high place that it warms my heart. (Another example of actions speaking louder than words)

I am grateful for those that have taken the time to know me, to listen to me (instead of just hearing or reading) and who have been such an amazing system of support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

While we do have a lot to be sorrowful and depressed about, we have so much to be thankful and proud for. I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Whats New with Us

Well, as of Saturday, we are now the proud parents of a 3 year old little girl. She was already doing really good with potty training, but still wouldn't poop in the potty most of the time and we still used pull-ups for night time. Well, I sat her down and explained to her that at the store, they don't let us buy diapers for 3 year olds. So, she had to pick. She could either stay 2 or she could be 3 and only wear panties. Since Sunday, it's been only panties and not a single accident. She sleeps and naps in them and poops in the potty like a big girl! We're so proud of her.

We also recently found out we have to move. As of yesterday, we have 30-60 days. The property management company and the owners had a bit of a falling out and the agreement was to terminate the business relationship. So, right at Christmas time, instead of hanging all of my pretty new sparkly decorations, I get to start packing up. As Marilyn pointed out, there are some good points to consider, such as I get to move away from the fat slob that never wears clothes and hopefully we can find a street that has less traffic. Of course, the move also has an overabundance of bad points. For one, no Christmas decorating, no Christmas tree, an even busier holiday season, and we have to pack up Matthew's room far before I'm ready to. I still have his bassinet next to my bed and a load of laundry I have yet to wash.

This has been quite a year, let me tell ya. We started off the year in high spirits with so many dreams and aspirations. We were going to add a very special member of the family. By spring we knew we were having a boy and picked out his name. I had fun being pregnant and Kaitlyn had fun kissing my tummy. I had planned out my maternity pictures and talked about the baby shower while we picked out names and nursery decor. Summer started with a big burst! My water broke and we were told that we would deliver before I was even 6 months pregnant and our baby boy wouldn't make it. Our summer was spent proving them wrong while I spent 65 days stuck in a hospital bed waiting for the day Matthew would be in our arms. He was delivered and another 4 days later, I got to hold him. We spent 4 weeks with him in the NICU, cheering with every cc of milk he took in. We finally brought him home and everything was great. 6 weeks later, we lost him. Kaitlyn didn't get to play with him anymore, I didn't get to hold him anymore and Dusty didn't get to cuddle with him anymore. And now, we are moving. That is a lot to go through in a year, even more when you realize, it's all taken place since June.

I know that we will endure this and anything else that comes our way, but it's only natural to be worried for Kaitlyn and for Dusty. I am so surprised and proud of how good Kaitlyn is doing. It is completely normal for a child to regress and close up after some of the tragedies she's had to endure. She had to be without her mommy for 10 weeks, become a big sister, lose her brother all in such a short time frame. Yet, she's continue to grow and thrive, exceeding expectations for a child her age and far exceeding expectations for a child enduring that kind of trauma.

Perhaps, this is for the best. While we love Matthew with all of our hearts and the hole he left in our hearts and family is much too large for science to ever measure, it also might be healthy and nice to start the new year with a fresh start. A fresh beginning. While I do not love this place at all, I do love being in rooms that Matthew was in, being reminded that he was here and he was so very much alive. And I am comforted by the pyhsical reminders we have that Matthew was here that will not be present in a new place. It would not be logical for me to keep the bassinet next to my side of the bed after moving, but right now, I can't dream of moving it. I know that the memories are in my heart and will go with us, but it isn't the same.

I know it's been a long and trying year. I am incredibly grateful for the amazing friends and family that have been a source of inspiration and support. Those who are always there for us.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

A Month has passed

It's hard to believe that a month has passed since I've been able to hold Matthew's warm body and feel his chest go up and down with each breath.

Life has been different. He was loved so much and there is an emptiness here that was never here before. It breaks my heart time and time again to know that he will never come home to us again.

Matthew lived here on Earth for 10 weeks. 4 weeks were spent in the NICU and another 4 days in the PICU. The 6 weeks and 3 days we had with him in our home were wonderful. We can never say we didn't spend enough time with him. He spent hour after hour being held and cuddled and sang to and fed. Because of the need to pump with him in the NICU, Daddy got to feed him his fair share of bottles.

We were given 10 weeks to get to know him and we are grateful that we took the time to do just that.

We learned that Matthew was stubborn and demanded to have his way all of the time. He loved to be sung to, but not just any ol' song would do it. He loved Twinkle Twinkle and the ABC song the best. If you dared to sing something else that he wasn't in the mood for, he let you know.

Matthew was always hungry. He would eat 24 hours a day, every day if we allowed him. He did not like to be teased with Daddy's finger :P or with that pacifier. Matthew was incredibly strong. When he had tummy time on his boppy pillow, he would push off with his feet until he crawled over it. Matthew loved to be swaddled and held tight as can be. I think it was the cramped womb without any water for him to swim in that did it to him.

Matthew had the softest skin. It was just starting to fill out as he started to plump up, but when you rubbed his back gently while he slept on you, you could still feel the extra skin wrinkles.

Matthew loved to take baths. It was his favorite time. He liked to be changed quickly. We typically dressed him comfortably in onesies and little sweats. He seemed to like socks and rarely kicked them off. He had big feet for his size and while he was still in preemie clothes he had outgrown newborn shoes. He had thick hair that was already set for a trim. His fingernails grew so fast yet his toenails grew so slow that I never had a chance to clip them.

Matthew smiled all the time in his dreams. It was like there was a party going on and he was the star.

Not once ever, did Kaitlyn show an ounce of jealousy towards Matthew. Not when I was in the hospital on bed rest, not when he was readmitted to the PICU, not when he cried at night. She wanted to be a part of everything that had to do with Matthew. She insisted on helping with every diaper change, every feeding and every song. She always wanted to hold his hand and to kiss him and to tell him how much she loved him. The only thing she got in trouble for was kissing him too much. Her response was always "But, I love him, he's my brudda."

I am sad that we will never see him smile at us, never hear his giggle, never hear him talk, never see him crawl, walk, jump or grow up into the happy man we knew he would be.

I am sad that Matthew didn't get to have all of the fun he was owed and destined in life. He'll never know the joy of scaring daddy or being tickled until he begs Daddy to stop, only to ask him to do it again. He'll never know the joy of having Kaitlyn help make him Spaghetti and Chocolate Milk for dinner, he'll never know the pleasure of having lunch with Mommy at a big people resturaunt.

I am grateful that we had the time to know him. I am grateful that his life was spent being loved. But, I do miss him more than I could ever describe and I always will.

We love to be thought of. We love for Matthew to be thought of. If you are ever wondering how we are doing, please don't hesitate to ask. Even if I don't answer right away, I will. Thank you, with your thoughts and kindness Matthew's spirit can stay alive outside of our home as well as inside.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Finding the right thing to say

There are times in life when finding the words to express what you are feeling seems absolutely impossible. There are some feelings, some emotions, some thoughts that are so complicated that mere words could never do them justice.

At these times, I think the best way to express how you are feeling is with sincerity and simplicity. There has been nothing said to me about Matthew's passing that I have found offense to. The loss of a child is a pain so deep, that words could never express the sorrow and sympathy we feel. It is an unnatural event that we have yet to figure out an effective means to communicate about.

When something is said from the heart, with sincerity, the heart and the sincerity is what matters, the words come in dead last. Even if it's as simple as "I'm sorry for your loss." And sometimes, even if I don't always respond, just asking how the day is going or how the hour is going means more than you'll know.

I am so proud that we had our time with Matthew. He truly was an angel. I'm glad he was colicky. It encouraged us both to hold him all the time and to cuddle with him around the clock. Since he was only home a total of 5 weeks and 3 days, every minute that we held him, rocked him, kissed him and sang to him means so very much.

I am SURE there are times when being around either of us can be a bit uncomfortable. And believe me, I hate that. I hate that I always feel akward enough and feeling like I'm a *downer* or the cause of others being uncomfortable doesn't help. I am fully aware that life goes on. The world continues to spin around the earth, seasons change and we all grow. I may not love it, I might desperatly want to cling to the perfect family we had, but I know it, I'm aware of it. I know and accept that new life is born, people continue with their lives and everything goes on how it was before Matthew's passing. I try to do everything I can to make it less akward on people. I let them lead the conversations, I try to participate in things that I feel up to, I make sure that Kaitlyn is happy and I try to keep myself preoccupied when I'm in a group.

I think that my point is, I know that you know that it's hard. I know that someone who hasn't experienced the loss of a child would never understand what it feels like and I do not wish that on ANYONE, ever. If you don't know what to say, as always, start with Hello. If you feel uncomfortable around us, I know, and I'll try what I can to make it easier. We're almost always ready to talk about Matthew, and if we aren't, we aren't offended by you asking. We want his spirit to live on. We want to talk about him, we want people to know him like we did. His life was amazing and we want to remember every minute of it. If you want to know how we're doing, ask. You can call, e-mail, message, write, send a card, send a text, or if you're really anxious, rent a plane and write a message in the sky :)

Matthew will always be a part of our lives. We will always love him. We want to share his life, his strength and the love he brought us with everyone who wants to be a part of it. And I honestly believe, most other parents who've outlived their angels feel the same way.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007


Be warned, this is a rant. It doesn't require a response, but if I don't get it out, I will explode and that is not a pretty look.

I always put forth a lot of effort when it comes to people. I try to remember people's birthdays and aknowledge them, I send pictures, cards, post cards, greetings and try to include people in everything.

I am SO SICK of being at the bottom of some people's priority lists.

With some people, I began to notice it when Kaitlyn was born. It has progressed over the past 3 years and has gotten to the point where it makes me want to vomit.

So, I am rearranging my priorites. I have 2 gorgoeus children. They are both incredibly important to me. Matthew may have passed, but that doesn't mean he means any less to me than he does. It breaks my heart to know that his time here was taken for granted. But, I am thankful that we treasured his time here and created so many happy memories as a family. I will not let Kaitlyn's time here be taken for granted.

From now on, those who do not put us on their priority list and who do not make time for us will not be on our priority list. Kaitlyn has already lost her brother, I will not let her be dissapointed by others. Life is too short, too precious and she is too amazing not to spend time with people who want her company.

Rant over. My face is a little less red and I'm breathing a little better.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Could Have been worse

Could have been worse.

Let's see. I only had to explain to 6 people how our baby was doing. Only 1 demanded details in such a manner I wanted to take my keyboard off of my desk and smash her teeth in with it. Instead I just smiled through gritted teeth and asked "Is there anything else you need today?"

One tenant was incredibly understanding and nice and welcomed me back with open and grateful arms. He expressed his condolences and went on to fill me in on some of the gossip going on around the complex.

One tenant made the day so much easier. I have talked to her before. When Matthew was in the hospital we ran into eachother at the mailboxes. She asked where I had been and I explained my pPROM pregnancy and all of that. She shared her story of her daughter. She ruptured at 17 weeks and delivered at 22w5d. Her daughter, Shawna, lived for 22 hours and peacefully died in her arms. She was born April 16. She told me all about Shawna and the pain she had and how the grief process does change. She told me she reached a point where she was at peace and grateful that Shawna didn't suffer. Shawna would have been 8 this year. She has a 6 year old daughter now. Her daughter was a pPROM pregnancy as well. Except, she ruptured at 32 weeks and her daughter is doing great. Her birthday? April 19. She ruptured on April 15 and was so scared of delivering on Shawna's birthday. This tenant gave me so much hope and promise that one day, life will be ok again. I am very grateful for that.

Then, of course, there was "fat guy." Fat Guy weighs AT LEAST 380+. He's huge. Normally, I wouldn't be bothered by it, not everyone can control their weight and for some, no matter what they do, they are haunted with being over weight. Not Fat Guy. Fat Guy walks around ALL THE TIME wearing just shorts. That's right, his albino skin flabs and hangs and bounces all without a shirt or shoes on. It's absolutely disgusting. His apartment should be condemed it's so disgusting. AND, he has a little boy about 11 months who is always dirty, crying and has sores :( My heart breaks for that boy and I KNOW I am going to end up calling CPS. Plus, the guy is a big smoker and a drinker. He smells so bad. Ugh. I can't wait to get rid of him.

Anywho, Fat Guy was mad that I didn't drop his rent while I was gone????? Seriously. He thought that because he had to have his tub replaced, he should get cheaper rent. Um, you have a brand new tub and shower surround because of damage YOU caused, seriously that typically involves a rent increase wise guy.

So, I worked, I took Kaitlyn to and from store, I cooked a yummy dinner, I went to Walmart and now I'm thinking about a shower.

Today promises to be a rough one

Yesterday was the last day of my Maternity leave. Today, I am thrown wth full force back into the working world.

The last day I worked was June 1. I worked a half day since Dusty's cousin was in town and Kaitlyn really wanted to see her cousin. It was a fun day, it was an easy day at work.

The day after, Saturday, was the last day I was at home. Late that night, my water broke and I started on this journey.

In the 5 months, I have managed to avoid most tenants. It isn't a matter of being rude, more like a matter of not wanting to be the topic of idle gossip. In Matthew's final days, I had planned out what the days would be like when I started back. My plan was I would take Kaitlyn to school and then Matthew and I would have an hour to spend together. We could play, cuddle, feed, talk, sing just have fun all to ourselves. Then, I would start work and he would be with me. I have everything I need to have a mini downstairs nursery and I really looked forward to showing him off. I thought it would be easier to explain if I could show the fruits of my hard work.

Instead, I am now trying to clean everything in our living room up. I have an hour. Kaitlyn is at school and the only noise I hear is the tapping of my nails on the keyboard and the dryer tumbling our clothes.

I do not look forward to explaining my absense. I do not look forward to the looks, the stares, the comments and the expressions people make when I have to explain that our son is no longer with us. It's hard enough for me to think about, the thought of just saying the words puts a lump in my throat.

Dusty's solution was to tell people I didn't want to talk about it. But, then I have to wonder if that makes it worse. I remember shortly before my water broke, an emotional tenant asked about my pregnancy. I declined to comment and told her I would rather not discuss it. She burst into tears about how I was a terrible, uncaring person and all she wanted was to be friends. I am not friends with tenants. Do you know how hard it is to evict someone you like?

I just hope today passes quickly.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

What I've Learned

I have been on this earth for 25 years. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. I do believe that in my 25 years I have gained a lot of prespective, insight, wisdom and experience. I do believe that I am a good person with a lot of good to offer the world.

I don't think that the number of years someone has been blessed with means they are a smarter, brighter, wiser or all knowing person than someone younger.

I have learned that life is absolutely precious. In this day and age where we can replace knees, hearts, livers and give the average person 85+ years of life, we are not God. Doctor's are not God. Doctor's have the tools to help better and lengthen our lives, but that does not mean they can guarentee us life. It saddens me to no end that so many babys are taken from their mommy's arms. It saddens me to know that these precious little babies are taken from us before they've had a chance to live when trash like Scott Peterson or Osama Bin Laden can continue with their lives. It doesn't seem fair. I do take solice in knowing that Matthew has been granted an eternity of happiness, but I would give anything for him to have the chance of a few more moments of life on earth.

At first, I wondered "why is God punishing us" but the more I think of it, the more I know the opposite is true. Matthew should have been born at 23w5d. Medical science shows us that pregnancies do not last more than 48 hours on average after membrane rupture and never more than 12 days. We were blessed with 65 days of life inside of me and 10 weeks of life in this world.

Matthew's life has taught me so much. I only wish the price paid wasn't his life. I cannot imagine what lesson is so powerful that his life had to be taken for it to be taught. Many lessons I learned while he was still with us, some we pounded into my brain with his passing.

Life is not a promise. It is short, complicated and so incredibly sweet. Every moment and every breath you take should be one you are happy and grateful for. Each night you should go to bed without regrets. Each day should be lived as though it's your last. That doesn't mean you need to go and conquer the world every day, but be sure to tell the ones you love that you love them, kiss them and hug them oh so tight and make sure that the memories you leave behind are ones you want to continue long after you are gone.

Sometimes, keeping your mouth shut is the best answer to any question or statement. It isn't necessary to put add your opinion to everything. It isn't necessary to reply to everything said. There is no need to fight with people who will not change on topics that will always be there. Your breaths are precious, your thoughts and statements are your legacy, use them wisely.

Think before you speak. When you do speak, be aware of your audience. Your words are the best way to express your thoughts. Sometimes, keeping it simple and honest is the best possible way to say it. Put yourself in the shoes of others. Think of how you would react to what you are going to say. When you do put your foot in your mouth, apologize. Silence does not always have to be occupied with meaningless words. Sometimes, it's ok to be sad. Sometimes, the last thing someone needs is to be cheered up, they just need to be sad.

Follow through with your promises. If you say "if there is anything you need, tell me" mean it. It means so much more to be honest and not say it at all than to just say it because it sounds good or you think it's expected. If you say it, the person you say it to just might think you mean it and when you show you don't, the disappointment is terrible.

If you don't learn from your mistakes, they are meaningless. If you can realize the mistakes you made, have remorse from them and make a difference to change those ways, you will improve your life and the lives of all around you. Don't make mistakes in vain.

No one said life was easy. No one said life was fair. No one promised tomorrow.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Starting a New month a person short

It's still so hard to believe that we are entering a new month without Matthew. It's like the worst possible dream and no matter how hard I try, I can't wake up from it. There is so much I miss. I miss the way his back felt when I would rub it to help him sleep. I miss the way he would lay next to me and nurse himself to sleep. I miss the noise he would make when he thought he was going to sneeze but it was a false alarm. I miss Kaitlyn loving on him and when I would tell her no, she would say "But, I wuv him, he's my Brudda" I miss cuddling with him in the morning. He would rub forheads with me and slumber into sleep. I miss changing his diapers, changing his clothes, giving him his baths, swaddling him, hugging him, carrying him, picking him up, watching him sleep, feeling his breath, cleaning up his spit up, talking to him, singing to him, having him with me, having him in the snugli, having him talk back to me. I miss him so very much.

Today was the first day since we've lost Matthew that I've been able to eat more than once during the day and actually keep it down. I had lunch with Kaitlyn at Strings (check out pictures tomorrow) and I ate dinner. Not a lot of food, but it's a start. Now, if I could get more than 2-3 hours sleep a night that would be great. Or if those 2-3 hours could at least be solid sleep, I would be satisfied and Kaitlyn just might stop asking if my eyes are "broken"

I want more than anything to have him back. There isn't anything I wouldn't give for just a moment with him, a moment to kiss him and smell him and tell him how much we love him. I am so used to him being with me all the time, him being away is so hard. I got a new necklace yesterday. It's his picture etched on white gold surrounded by a heart of diamonds. I love it. It makes me feel like he's always with me. I know he is, but I like having something with him that I can touch and hold and look at and think of him by.

I know that Matthew is in a better place than this harsh, cold world, but it's so hard to think that there is any better place for a baby than his mother's arms. I know the world can be so disgusting and surrounded with so much evil, but for both Kaitlyn and Matthew I try to protect them from it. The worst thing Kaitlyn thinks people do is litter. All I wanted was to have him here as a part of our family and to have the oppurtunity to make his world bright and cheery and watch him grow up strong, handsome, smart, loved, cherished and completely adored. I am so dissapointed that I can't give that to him.

I can honestly say, the 10 weeks we had with Matthew were the happiest we've ever had and I was the happiest I have ever been. I want that 10 weeks to last longer than the blink of an eye it felt like.