How I spent the evening

As most already know, a month and a half after Matthew passed, we had to move.  Which meant that no matter how much I didn't want to and wasn't ready to, we had to pack up Matthew's room.

Dusty and his dad cut out a part of the wall for me to take, which has since been framed and mounted on our wall, surrounded by his pictures and foot imprint the funeral house gave us.  But, nearly everything else basically just went into tubs.  There was some organization, but not a lot.  Over 2 years later, it is still in tubs, in the garage.

A couple weeks ago, Dusty decided that he wanted to clean out the garage.  I figured that meant the stuff he had out there, not the stuff that I had stored out there.  I was wrong.  He wants it all gone through, sorted and organized, and put into the new storage unit.  This includes the 7 tubs that house Matthew's belongings.

So, when we got home this evening, that's what I got to do.  I got to open the tubs, sort through it and decide what to do with what.  Even a year ago, I would have said, it all gets saved and kept in it's tubs.  End of story.  Even through the first pregnancy of the year I thought that it would stay in tubs.  We would buy all new stuff, we would start over as far as baby things go and that would be that. 

What a difference a year can make.  And I found myself ok with the idea of using some things for a future baby, if we have one.  The first bin I happened to open was titled "Matthew's clothes and memories" and it was probably not the best place to start.

I went through the box the funeral home gave us.  There were so many cards in there, and so many I hadn't read.  I looked at the guestbook for the services and was surprised by how many signatures.  The day has always been a bit of a blur with a few key moments sticking out, but there were people who signed it that I didn't have any idea were there.

I had already told Dusty I wanted to make a quilt out of Matthew's clothes.  So, the clothes were fairly easy and included 3 piles; 1. Clothes for the quilt, things I remember him wearing and knew he wore; 2. Clothes that I would be ok with using for another baby, mostly clothes he never got to wear or couldn't be used in the quilt for whatever reason; 3. clothes to donate.  Mostly ones that I never cared for, don't know why I bought, never used and don't need.   There were so many clothes.

In the end, I think it went well and was a beneficial task to take on.  Of course, I probably could have happily put it off until my death bed, but in going through it all I was reminded of how loved Matthew was, how spoiled he was and how loved and spoiled we are by amazing friends and family.  And I am eternally grateful for both.

Our Journey through secondary infertility

I've debated how much to share here since I really don't like to have all of my personal life on display for the world to know.  But, we've reached a point where a lot of our life, or rather my life lol, is centered around expanding our family.

Secondary Infertility isn't really talked about a lot.  Resolve.org writes this about secondary infertility:


Although over three million Americans are affected by the painful experience of secondary infertility, it generally remains an unacknowledged and invisible condition. Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. Even though the couple already has a child, the couple experiences secondary infertility as the loss of a child, the loss of pregnancy, and the loss of childbirth. 

Even though secondary infertility has a higher prevalence rate than primary infertility, couples are far less apt to seek treatment for this condition. When their first child is conceived with ease, many couples are caught completely off guard by the difficulty of having a second child because they hold the belief that past fertility insures future fertility. Physicians, too, may downplay the possibility of secondary infertility in their previously fertile patients and encourage the couple to "keep on trying." 

These couples are vulnerable to feelings of self-blame, particularly if they seek treatment at a later time and the interventions are unsuccessful. Often they feel regretful at not having taken a more aggressive approach to treatment when they were younger, as advancing age is often an issue in secondary infertility. 

The emotional experience of secondary infertility often is a compilation of the distressing feelings of anger, grief, depression, isolation, guilt, jealousy, self-blame, and being out of control. Couples may feel guilty for experiencing normal grief and worry about how their anguish will affect their existing child. The powerlessness to produce a sibling for the existing child often produces feelings of sorrow, as does the inability to perpetuate the parenting role. Many feel distant from their friends as those who were a great source of support when parenting the first child are now linked to sensations of pain and jealously. 

Sadly, couples with secondary infertility tend to receive less social support from others than couples who have primary infertility because the infertility is unacknowledged, the pain associated with infertility is invisible as the couple has a child, and there is no concrete loss in the family. In addition, couples experiencing secondary infertility may be recipients of criticism by others who think they should be grateful for one child and that it is foolish to go to extremes to increase family size. Of course, a couple can be extraordinarily thankful for their existing child and still long for more children. 

To avoid the sense of isolation that often accompanies secondary infertility, and to maintain necessary social support, it is important to educate friends and family members about the common feelings associated with secondary infertility. For example, with some guidance by the couple, friends may understand that declining an invitation to a baby shower relates to pain and grief, rather than a lack of interest in another's family.


I think the bolded statement is one of the most important to read.  It has so much truth to it.  On so many levels.  It is so possible to be incredibly grateful for what you have, incredibly sad for what you have lost and said good-bye to and incredibly impatient to expand your family.

The pregnancy last year in January was a surprise.  And while we still hadn't really talked about, decided or determined that we wanted more children, that surprise pregnancy absolutely pushed us into that direction.  And during that pregnancy, I was really naive.  Even though I had spotting in the 7th week, we saw the heartbeat and I was sure there was no way God would allow us to lose another baby.  I mean, why give us such a generous surprise just to rip it away once we got accustomed and excited about the idea?  Of course, it's pretty public knowledge where that pregnancy ended up, February 20, 2009 at 8 weeks, we lost the baby.

Once we got the go ahead, we were pregnant again in June.  All was going great, I was sick as could be and we decided that once we saw the heart beat and were passed the 8th week, we would share our news.  Kaitlyn had been through enough in her 4 short years and knew that our luck wasn't the best.  At 6 weeks, there was no development.  Well, there was a fetal pole and a misshapen sac.  But, I was determined that we wouldn't endure yet another loss.  How cruel would that be?  So, we held on another month, with awful sickness, and at 10 weeks, there wasn't any development.  I was diagnosed as having a missed miscarriage.  I was given a medication to induce a miscarriage and all should have been well.  But, of course, alas, it did not work.  My body just wouldn't let go.  Which, another week later, resulted in a d&c.  And a week after that I had a terrible hemorrhage scare. 

What a conundrum this was.  The pregnancy that seemed to have a healthy, well developing baby, my body wouldn't hold onto.  And then, the unhealthy, undeveloping pregnancy, my body was determined to hold onto with all it's might.

In December, we had another pregnancy, that lasted all of 6 days :) 

So, there we are.  Our initial diagnosis was "bad luck." But, after my history, I just can't accept that.  It doesn't make sense.  So, I changed medical insurance, and am at Kaiser to see a fertility specialist.

I started by seeing an OB, who I thought was great.  Until he basically told me I was uneducated on the art of fertility and flaked on my for an important appointment.  Of course, I did have a pap smear that came back abnormal.

Today, I was approved for the fertility clinic.  The doctor said that with my history I can skip the new patient orientation they normally require.  They will expedite the blood work and testing to try and find out what in the world could possibly be wrong with me.  I will have that next week as well as a follow up on my darn pap.

And that is where my life, angry ovaries and uncooperative uterus are today.

Matthew was born 2 1/2 years too early

A finding came out in the Journal of the American Medical Association yesterday.  The finding showed that autopsies performed on babies that suffered the tragedy of SIDS had a serotonin level 26% lower than healthy babies and babies that died from other causes.  It also found that those babies had low levels of the enzyme tryptophan hydroxylase, which is needed to make serotonin.

Which means, that screening can now become available to find babies that are at risk for SIDS.  Which means that after decades of being taught that back to sleep, no smoking, no blankets, no bumpers, breastfeeding only, pacifiers, fans in the room, staying away from illnesses and everything else that we've been told will prevent SIDS by reducing all the risks are now being trumped by a better way.

Soon, we will be able to screen a baby and correct those levels.  Soon we will be able to truly prevent SIDS and hopefully eradicate this awful disease from existence.  What an amazing discovery.  


While I am incredibly grateful that in our lifetime SIDS may no longer rip apart happy families and end the lives of our most innocent citizens, I can also find myself feeling incredibly bitter that this seemingly simple discovery wasn't made 2 1/2 years ago and our Matthew could have been spared.  I wish I could just be happy that this means we can have the fear of SIDS for future children taken away from the table, I really just wish we could have found this discovery 2 1/2 years ago and have our little boy here playing with us and enjoying the love and attention of his family.

The same researches may have also discovered why boys are more susceptible.


This is truly an amazing discovery.

Journal Study 


NPR Interview 


Article 


Med Page Article 

Twice a Year

We do something in honor of Matthew's life. Something that includes our family and friends. Something that we involve others in. We get to think about, talk about, and include Matthew in our lives on a daily basis, visit/tend to the cemetery on a weekly basis, and we don't really expect the same out of anyone else. That would seriously be asking a lot.

But, twice a year we would like the support, companionship and togetherness of family and friends to celebrate and honor and remember Matthew.

The first event is April of every year. March for Babies is a yearly event that truly means a lot to me. It is a day where we can honor him and try to prevent the loss of any other babies. I guess I'm of the mentality of not wanting any other family to ever again endure what we did and do. And while I know that is not completely realistic, I do believe that every dollar we raise and every step that we talk is going towards that direction. March for Babies isn't something that is hard. It isn't something that costs money, it isn't something that requires a whole lot of effort. Yes, we order shirts, but typically for those that cannot afford theirs, we always take care of it. All you have to do is go to a website and sign up, walk a little bit for an amazing cause and then have a free lunch. It's at most, 4 hours of your time, once a year.

The second event is the balloon release for his birthday. It's similar to a birthday party honoring the birth of one of our children. But, there are no presents, no singing Happy Birthday, no seeing how much he's grown or showing off his latest skills. Instead it's releasing a balloon into the air filled with hope, dreams and thoughts.

We try to make these events as easy for people as possible. I think that is why I am so offended when family and friends in the are chose not to participate. I know that I should not become offended by it, but I cannot help it. I know that I should not think less of a relationship because of a person's inability to want to participate, but I do. It absolutely makes me wonder why in the world I maintain a relationship with a person/people who do not seem to care about something that I care so deeply for.

I do not ever expect anyone else to be as passionate about a cause as I am, just because I am. But, it does sting when those don't seem to care at all. And it does make me wonder and think about why I even bother. Which is sad to me. I hate thinking or feeling that way.

I guess that's my rant/rave for the day. I don't want anyone to walk out of guilt, but I do want people to walk out of support. And I am incredibly grateful for the amazing friends and family that go out of their way to be a constant support. Those who drive HOURS to come up, those who ask how they can help, those that help raise money, those that are eager to sign up, those that are eager to help, those that are proud to do something in Matthew's honor and who are there for us. I don't want anyone at the balloon release or March that simply does not want to be there. At the same time, I do not understand how something so important to us can mean so little to someone else who knew Matthew, knows us and are aware of the life that he lived and the family he left behind, and don't want to end that.

Kaitlyn's ability to scare the crap out of me

I know I haven't always been this paranoid, but losing one child can make you pretty aware of how fragile life is and how easy it is to lose.

Kaitlyn typically "scares" me on a nightly basis. The kid sleeps with her eyes open, without making a sound with her arms flung to either side. It is freaky and frightening no matter how many times you see it, or how used to it you are.

The biggest scare came a couple months ago. Kaitlyn rarely gets to take baths because her skin is so sensitive, but we let her take a bath. Since she's 5 she should have no problem in the bathtub on her own. We play the "ah" game (I say ah every 30 seconds to a minute and she repeats it back). So, she's in the bathtub, all is well and she starts coughing. So, I yell down the hallway, "Kaitlyn are you ok" and I get no response. So, I go down the hallway to the bathtub and she's underwater, with her arms to her side just floating. Not moving. So, I obviously start to freak out and yell at her. My yelling gets Dusty down the hallway too and then she pops up with a "what are you guys doing??"

The next heart attack came this morning. Kaitlyn was in charge of Chico while I took a quick shower. I'm literally in the shower for all of 2 minutes before I hear her screaming. Not just any scream, a blood curdling, hysterical scream. I yell "what's wrong" assuming that she is being dramatic. I hear "____ bit my nose and it's bleeding everywhere" and I again begin to freak out. I think I hear her say "Archie" bit her nose, and I am in my paranoid head, assuming he did severe damage. I turn off the water to run to her, and she gets to me first. It wasn't Archie. It was Chico. She broke the rules and put him next to her face when they were playing and he got inside her nostrils a little bit. The cut was seriously no bigger than a paper cut. Of course, my heart didn't stop pounding as quickly as she recovered.

I think the movie Parenthood said it best last night, just because your kids get older doesn't make you worry any less. You get through pregnancy relieved that you made it that far only to be afraid the first year. You get through that only to be afraid of toddlerhood, then the preschool years, then the school years and in 11 short years she'll be driving. Then adulthood and all that fun.

Hopefully she'll learn to sleep with her eyes closed and be a little less dramatic...

It's been forever

Since I've blogged. I know and I'm sorry :) My goal is to blog once a week and update Kaitlyn's site once a week! I'm still undecided about how much I want to share here with the general public.

Since my last update in May, things have been crazy, interesting and fun! Kaitlyn started Kindergarten and is doing AMAZING! She goes all day and has really thrived. She's reading at a second grade level, getting really good penmanship, and doing really good in math. She's funny as can be, smart as a whip and just had her first dance recital in December.

Dusty is doing great. In September he took a line drive to his eye, broke his eye socket in 3 places and his nose. He had to have surgery to have a titanium implant put in but is doing really good now. He still has some pain, bruising and healing (yes 3 months later!!) to do, but he should be as good as new soon!

Archie is doing fantastic. We switched him to a salmon/potatoe diet because of some allergies we found out about and it has made a huge difference. His skin is looking so much better, his ears are clear, his energy level is much higher and he is just happier. He is not as happy that we added a new dog to the family, but he's coming around!

This past December we added Chico into the family. Archie is getting used to the idea, Kaitlyn is in love with the "baby" and he's pretty much my responsibility. He is so tiny, just weighed in at 2 pounds and is nearly 10 weeks old. Potty training is going really well and we're so glad that we are crate training.

2010 is not only a new year, but a new decade and I totally welcome it :)

March for Babies!!

It's that time of year again! Time to register to walk for babies everywhere!

If you walked with us last year, you can use the same registration you previously used, all you have to do is log in :) marchforbabies.org

If you have not walked before, all you have to do is register to walk with our team at: http://marchforbabies.org/teams/matthewsteam

I am still very excited about doing a dinner and auction again this year! Look for the date in the future! We will also be ordering team shirts. The deadline to have your sizes to me is March 1! They typically cost $10, but I will get all the final info to you as soon as possible!

For anyone interested we will also do a swim/BBQ at our house after the walk!

Our team goal is $10,000 this year. Although it is just as important that we raise awareness, last year our team was 73 walkers strong and I would love to see it grow!!

You may also receive this on Face Book or Myspace, but I promise, I will only send reminders to register every few weeks and only leading up to March 1.

Thanks and have an awesome day!!