Last week I ventured into a local scrapbook store. I was on a mission for blue scrapbook paper with white polka dots. After many stores, I finally located it, SCORE!
Quick plug for the awesome store: Scrapbook Station
The woman who owned the store was working and incredibly nice. She asked me what I was looking for, why, how long I lived in the area and all of that. She was a great conversationalist. In total, I spent over an hour in the store, purchasing 10 sheets of the same paper totalling $4.60.
During that time, we began discussing scrapbook projects I still have pending and all of the amazing things they have in their store. A digital dye cutter, a ton of papers and scrapbook albums customized with a picture.
We discussed the album I had done for Kaitlyn and the album I need to do for Kaitlyn. We also discussed the album I needed to do for our son.
Typically, I always mention Matthew's birth when discussing how many children I have. I don't always mention his passing. It isn't a matter of pretending like it didn't happen, rather it's deciding how much I want to invest in the particular person and whether or not I feel comfortable enough to put them into that position.
This woman had a grandson born almost exactly a month after Matthew. When it came time to discuss how the boys were doing, I let her know that our sweet Matthew was no longer with us and had gotten his wings a mere 10 weeks after taking his first breath.
She was a very compassionate woman and asked me how I have been able to go on. My answer was something that I knew, something I've thought of many times. I know that exactly what has gotten me through this. My beautiful and loving little girl, my devoted and amazing husband who is the love of my life. Other than that, I give all credit to my faith and the amazingly supportive group of friends and family that have completely and totally been there for me. Those who have been there the days, weeks and now months following Matthew's passing and funeral. Without those people, their shoulders to cry on, their kindness, and their support, who knows where I would be.
She said something to me that really touched me. She told me that I was blessed to have held an angel in my arms and to have had to pleasure of nuturing one of God's children before he was called back home.
While listening to the radio today, that came back to me. I was listening to Dr. Laura (Kaitlyn LOVES her and won't let me change the station, go figure) and a caller called in. She was a younger mom and she was upset that since having her baby 7 months ago she hasn't had much adult time and missed going out. Dr. Laura's response was that the time you have with your infant and toddler is the least selffish time you'll ever had. Our little ones demand so much from us. They take, take, take and give so very little.
I disagree. Yes, we gave, gave and gave to Matthew, but the rewards we had of his life were endless and plentiful. They are rewards and gifts that will keep us warm for a lifetime. What we got back from Matthew was far more wonderful and meaningful that anything I believe we could have given up.