There are times when there are so many emotions I feel at the same time, it's nearly impossible to put into words how I feel.
I think I'm reaching a point where I can be both happy and sad. I think I will always remain sad. There isn't any way around it, Matthew is gone and I miss him so much and that leaves me sad. I don't think I'll ever stop missing him, so I doubt I'll ever stop being sad. But, I am getting to the point where I can be happy at the same time.
I feel as though my heart dropped from my chest when Matthew died. It shattered all over the floor and as he left us, he took one of the biggest chunks and took it with him. The past 12 weeks and 6 days have been spent using super glue to put the pieces back together and try keep it still long enough for the glue to set. Friends and family are the reason it has been able to sit still long enough for the glue to hold. Even though it is set with the pieces remaining, there is still a large piece that is missing.
As time passes, I know that the glue will become more set and more sturdy. I also know that as time passes, as more magical and miraculous babies and people enter our lives, my heart will grow. While that piece will always be missing, and the size of the piece will always remain the same, the rest of my heart will continue to grow and continue to heal.
I know that my heart will always be sad for the loss of our Matthew and I know my arms will always ache to hold him just one more time, but I know that his time here was a magical blessing. We were so lucky to meet him, to hold him and to know him for the time we had.
I want to welcome the new babies making their ways into our families with warm arms, a warm heart and lots of love.
I think sometimes people forget that Kaitlyn has been through so much in the last 6 months. I think their expectations of her are much, much too high. She is a 3 year old who has experienced more in the past 6 months than many adults ever go through. She had her entire life turned upside down. I think she deserves to have parents who are happy with their life with her. I think she deserves to be surrounded by loving supportive people. I don't think it's fair to her to be anything but the best possible parents we can be to her.
So, no matter how hard some of the little things may be or how difficult the larger things are, I am going to push myself to move forward. For my sake, Dusty's sake and Kaitlyn's sake. I know Matthew will always be with me and I will always be with him. Who knows what the future will hold? Only time will tell.