Monday, January 21, 2008

The Call

12 weeks and 6 days after Matthew's death, the same coroner who worked the night Matthew died called us. His report was being finalized and his belongings are now being released and we can finally pick them up.

We asked about the cause of death. He believes it is easily of natural causes. The pathologist agreed and ruled the death SIDS. Because we did co-sleep, the cause of death officially reads SIDS-Co-sleep. He believes that our sleeping had nothing to do with Matthew's death. It was not responsible for his passing and changing it more than likely would not have altered the outcome.

Unfortanetly, even doing everything "right" and reducing all of the risks of SIDS, you cannot eliminate the risk of SIDS and nothing in life is promised.

I'm not sure exactly how I feel about everything right now. I thought that I would be relieved with the findings of SIDS. I thought it would alleviate any guilt or sense of responisibility, but it hasn't. I'm sure that it's completely and totally normal. Only time it seems can ease any sense of self blame.

We did go to the cemetery this morning. We had a few more things to add to his Valentine's decorated site. It shimmers, shines and is beautiful. We only wish he was here to enjoy his first Valentine's Day.

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