Sunday, January 6, 2008

6 months

5 months ago today, Matthew was born. There are still so many times when it feels like it was all a dream and he was never here at all.

I am still terrified that I am going to forget things about him. I know I could never forget him, but there are times I worry that I will forget the way his skin felt, or the way he smelled or the way his hair felt or how his ears looked. So, I lay in bed at night going back and remembering the little details. Forcing myself to think about every aspect of him and every aspect of every memory I have of the time with him. Sometimes that is hard. The time in the NICU was such a blur, that there are only a few moments that stick out on their own.

There are still times, events and surroundings that are really hard for me. I don't know why I would think any differently though, it has only been 2 1/2 months since Matthew was taken from us. I hate going into the baby department, I seriously do. Which is terrible since I have a wonderful friend expecting a grandson that I really want to be able to shop for and a nephew that's due to arrive this spring. But to be honest, no matter how much I would like to want to, I don't have the desire to. It's depressing, it's sad and it reminds me even more of him not being here with us. He's only 5 months old and that is far too young to be out by himself.

I know that soon, the time of baby showers will be upon us. And really, I don't want to go. People can say what they want, assume that I'm being selfish, childish, immature, unfair, evil, hurtful or whatever else, but really I don't give a flying leap. I am so sick of people who have NO idea what I am going through, thinking or feeling, who don't care to ask judging any of my actions. It amazes me that people can so easily and quickly juding what they do not know.

I know in the end I will end up going. I know I'll be miserable, sitting there watching everyone. I know that a new birth is a joyous time and ocassion, I am greatly aware of this, but right now, it doesn't exactly invoke that in me. The thought of watching someone open gifts similar to what Dusty opened for Matthew (I didn't get to go to my baby shower since I was in the hospital) and with most of it never being used and being shoved into a bin to never be used, is just too much.

There are times when I feel a great deal of peace and understanding. When I almost feel like I could practice forgiveness and move on into the future with that said peace. But, there are times when I have so much anger, resentment and dissapointment in some that I feel like I could throw up. I know I need to work on that, and I try, but sometimes it's just really hard.

Every day I miss Matthew. I know I'm not alone in that. I know Dusty and Kaitlyn miss him as much as I do. Kaitlyn still cries for him and sobs for him and begs me to please bring him home. And that breaks my heart everytime. I know it's hardest for her when she's already tired or having a rough day, and I know that even at 3 she's able to grieve, be angry, upset and heartbroken.

Some days are so much harder than others. Some days I just want to crawl into a hole and cry. Some days I just want to travel back to the last day we had Matthew and just stay there for all of time. Some days aren't as hard. And there are things that trigger the sadness that are so unexpected. But, it isn't really anything I would expect anyone to understand unless they have been through it.

Before, we could go and sit in Matthew's room. Everything was just as it was when he died. It was just like how it was the last time he was in it. The jammies he wore before he died were still on the changing table, his favorite blanket was still in his car seat, everything of his was still there. Last weekend, we had to pack it all up. Kaitlyn gets to have his firetruck rocking chair. We were in there one night and she told us that Matthew said she could have it. Thank you so much for the sweet comments, e-mails and messages aknowledging how hard it was. I am so grateful for such amazing friends and support.

There are times where I enjoy going to the cemetery. It's usually beautifully decorated in Baby Land. The decorations on all the sites of babies and children who have left us remind me and show me that other parents have lost their much loved children and continue to go on with their lives and remember thier lost babies.

I know it's been a while since I've written. I had began to think that maybe someone was right, maybe I just write to hear what I want to hear and to be validated. But, I began thinking about it and really, that couldn't be farther from the truth. I write to collect and organize my thoughts. Even if no one comments, it still brings me a moment of two of peace. And really, I enjoy writing, even if I don't think it necessarily makes any sense to anyone else.

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