Monday, December 17, 2007

A magical time of year

Christmas is this magical time of year. It's a time when all is well in the world and all is at peace. It's a time when family is together and stories of wonder and amazement are shared with the precious children in everyone's life. It's a time where no matter how cold it is outside, inside is warm and toasty.

I love Christmas time. Christmas has always been this time where all wrongs can be righted and even the coldest of foes can stand together and sing merry songs together. Christmas is a time when miracles take place.

I am married to a wonderful man who brings Christmas alive in our home. He brings magic to Kaitlyn's world and how can anyone not love that.

It doesn't feel like Christmas right now. Yes, it's cold outside, our tree is trimmed our decorations are up and the stocking wait for Santa to fill in just a week's time. But this year, it's different. This year we smile the smiles, we tell the stories, we sing the songs, but it's not there. Our home is emptier. Even though our home has the same people in it that were here last year, there is this huge gap that can't be filled. This Christmas, there should have been two little ones under the tree digging out what Santa brought them, instead there is only 1. While Matthew's spirit is always with us, it isn't the same as having him here to love and to hold.

I think there are many things that make that gap even more present, even more cold and evern more noticeable. Be it lost friendships, familiar places being packed up, the coldness of the unknown that the future holds or the constant reminder of how different this year is from last, it is not the warm holiday season that I spend the whole year longing for.

I hate being by myself. Even if it's just in a doctor's waiting room or driving back from dropping Kaitlyn off at school. The loud echo of silence is a powerful sound that allows the wandering mind to wander to places it shouldn't wander. I do my best to never be in silence. I avoid having Kaitlyn away from me at all costs. I know there are probably some that are annoyed by the constant chatter their toddler brings, but I yearn for it. I need the chatter to stop the mind from wandering. I'm sure some people do not understand that, and really, I don't expect them to. Unless you have experienced any of what we have this year, you wouldn't. I went 10 long weeks of only seeing Kaitlyn an hour or two a day, I intend on making that up to her come hell or high water regardless of the opinions of others.

I am incredibly thankful to the friends and family who call just to chat. I hate picking up the phone to call people, the idea of bothering them or risking making them feel sad or bad isn't something I want to encounter. I am grateful for the time spent with those who enjoy our company. I am happy to have the people in my life that I do. I know those people will never know or understand how much a simple call or e-mail means, but I hope one day I can return the favor.

So this year, we'll smile the smiles, sing the songs, wrap the gifts, trim the tree and we'll do it all with heavy, lonely hearts and the constant reminder that even on Christmas, our family will never be whole again.

Merry Christmas to all.

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