Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Good Friends

I use to think that maybe my "tiffs" with some people were because there was something wrong with me. Maybe I wasn't a good enough person. So, I started trying hader. I tried to be more thoughtful, I tried to be more understanding and I tried to be a better friend.

But things didn't change. To the same people, over and over again, nothing I did was good enough. It isn't/wasn't many people, just a small handful. I still tried, I still hoped that things would change. Who doesn't want everything around them to be roses?

For every negative encounter, I tried harder. I somehow managed to ignore the hurtful comments, the never ringing phone and the constant disregard for my feelings. I just thought, if I tried hard enough I could "win them over."

Only very recently did that change. Very, Very recently I realized, maybe it isn't me. There are other people who I don't have to try nearly as hard for and they are amazing and loyal friends. They are there for me through anything and actually make an effort to be a friend.

So maybe, just maybe, it isn't me. Maybe I am actually a good and decent human being. Maybe, the problem is within them. Maybe, they themselves are uncapable of being a good friend? Or maybe, they just don't want a friendship with me. I have no hard feelings towards that and am all too happy to accept it.

In this instance what can I do? What should I do? I've told them before what it is that I need from a friend, but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

I've decided that for these people, I should try to take them as they are. I should stop trying so hard to turn them into a good friend. I have good friends that I love and adore and am so proud to have in my life. It would be great to turn these people into good friends, but I think I left my wand in my other purse.

The thing that really upsets me, even though it shouldn't, is the constant trash talk behind my back. I just don't understand why people talk about others when they aren't there. What exactly does that resolve? Does it make you feel like a better person? That, and the whining to Dusty.

If I had a problem with someone, I would NEVER put Dusty in the middle of it. He hates confrontation and he hates when people can't get along. So far, I have taken all of my deeply hurt feelings and stuffed them into a little bottle that I keep with me. I keep him safe from any of it. I hate drama and I KNOW he hates it more. I also know that despite what anyone might think, he has been through a helluva lot this year and I would never burden him with anything else. It isn't fair to him. And even though I know he would chose my side day in and day out, I would never dream of asking him to pick sides. I love him too much to do that to him. Better yet, Dusty does the same for me. I explained to him that he is welcomed to listen to the whining, the venting and the thoughts of others, just keep me out of it. I have enough on my plate with no desire to add more.

So, I guess I have to make resolutions. I have to get thicker skin, keep my guard up and realize that I am worthy of good friends.

I don't think negatively of the others, I truly don't. I want nothing but happiness and good fortune for them. I want their lives to be sunny and warm surrounded by loving friends and family. I will not take their actions, words or thoughts personally. I will not hold my hurt feelings against them. I will instead learn from them and with any luck and hope grow from the lessons learned. Maybe one day, things will be different.

I would like to deeply thank everyone that has been there for me through the fun happy before pregnancy times, to the sad, dark times following Matthew's death. Your friendship has meant the world to me and I will always be grateful and thankful for your kind words and loving thoughts.

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