Matthew would have been 4 months old

Matthew would have been 4 months old yesterday.

There are times when it feels like a million years have gone by since Matthew died and there are times when it seems like it was just yesterday.

The time Matthew was here was so perfect that it doesn't even seem like it was real. If it wasn't for pictures, the short video we have and his things, I don't think I would believe that he was even here.

Thank you for the sweet thoughts, e-mails, phone calls and messages yesterday. It really does mean a lot.

With anything we do, I keep thinking about how Matthew would like it. Things would be so different. I bet by now Kaitlyn would have changed at least one diaper. His circumsision would probably be totally healed and I'd bet that he'd be a smiler by now. I wonder how much more his hair would have grown or thickened up.

I adored Matthew so much. I still do. I think there are still times that I pretend that he's still here. He was so good at cuddling. And really, I had no problem with it.

I already had our Christmas outfits all ready and set for holiday pictures. We were going to wear dark grey. Kaitlyn has a new Tommy Hilfiger dress and Matthew was going to wear a sweet sweater vest and bright red tie. There are so many things he never got to wear.

I know I have changed so much since Matthew left us. Even though I worked so hard to get him here, I think I didn't take him for granted. I didn't appreciate him or what a miracle he was. I thought frequently about how amazed I was that he was here and he had made it, but I don't think I understood exactly how miraculous that was.

Sometimes, I feel so much pressure to continue to be something to everyone. There are times I get so frustrated and want to scream from the top of the highest building to cut me a little slack.

I miss Matthew so much, we all do. He was such an important and valuable part of our family. It's so hard to try and find the best ways to honor him and keep him a part of our family.