I know, I've been an awful, terrible blogger. Not on purpose though, life has just been crazy and as soon as I sit down to type I think of a gazillion other things I should be doing, need to do or the computer decides not to cooperate. None of those have anything to do with what I've been thinking a lot about and at the same time, everything to do with it all.
Let's start with the term rainbow baby. There was a time when I found the term almost offensive. Rainbow? How do you get passed the storm enough to see rainbows? And what does that make your longed for baby?
I never in a gazillion years thought that a rainbow baby would take away the pain of losing Matthew. I didn't want it to. I don't think there is anything in the world that could ever replace him, his place in this family or fill the hole left in my heart. It doesn't lessen how much I love my living children, and it isn't saying that I love any one child more than another, it's just how it is.
But, I will tell you, while the pain is still there, many parts of life are, well, easier? kinda with a rainbow baby? But at the same time, some other things are so much harder.
It is harder knowing that I have 3 babies, but only 2 are going with me to the store, the mall, to see the Easter bunny, to play games, to run in the park, or on our trips this summer. It is easier being so occupied with living children that I cannot allow myself to go to the cemetery every day. It is harder answering the question "how many children do you have" or "Don't you want a boy?" with the truth and then either explaining where our middle child is or just leaving that sadness hang in the air. It is easier to be so busy with day to day life, laundry and a baby that I cannot find time to play the what if game. It's harder watching the girls play and knowing that there is a 3 year old missing in action. It is easier being so occupied with my princesses that I cannot spend all day mending a broken heart.
It doesn't mean that he isn't on my mind every moment of every day, just like Kaitlyn and Samantha, it's just... different.... And so incredibly hard to explain.