Sunday, October 28, 2007

Being Strong

I've been told a time or two in the past 4 months that I'm a strong person.

I don't feel it though. Not even close.

In the hospital, I didn't think there was a point in complaining or whining about what was going on. It wasn't going to change anything, so why waste the energy? I was just glad to be pregnant for as long as I was and thankful that Matthew was getting a chance for a healthy life. I honestly don't doubt for a minute that any other mother would do the exact same thing in the exact same situation.

With Matthew's death, I don't feel strong at all. I feel like everything is falling apart on the inside. Instead, it feels more like I am "sucking it up" and taking care of what needs to be taken care of. Kaitlyn just lost her brother, she can't lose her mommy too. It wouldn't be fair. I have absolutely no desire to clean or do laundry or the dishes, but it has to be done, so I do my best on the limited energy I have. I HATE going places. I hate being around all the happy people, I hate being around babies, nursing mommies, and seeing the world go on without Matthew in it. But, I do it for Kaitlyn.

I look forward to the day where I do things because I enjoy them, and not just because I know it will bring someone else joy. At the same time, I greatly dread it.

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