23 weeks with Miss Charlotte

Today, I've hit 23 weeks pregnant. 1 week away from "viability." 1 week from the day that hospitals will take heroic measures to save your baby if born without the parents pushing them to. 5 days away from being the same gestational age as when my water broke with Matthew. I think 23 weeks is my least favorite week. It's so close but so far all at the same time.

 According to most articles, she should be hitting a pound this week. Considering she was about 5 ounces over what was expected to be at a week and a half ago, I'm willing to bet that she's close to a pound and a half now. As of my last ultrasound, my placenta hasn't moved much more, which isn't fun. But, hopefully it will move considerably by my next ultrasound a week from today. Because it hasn't moved, I'm not really surprised that movement has been a lot different this pregnancy. I feel movement maybe ones or twice a day, and it's more of a rolling feeling than a kick or a punch.

 I feel like I'm gaining weight like crazy. I remind myself it isn't too much different than it was with Samantha, but my face feels gross and yucky. Heartburn is still my number one complaint, and I have to tell you, I cannot wait until fall. Last night's weather was so nice, I look forward to sweaters, jeans, pumpkin patches and all things Autumn.

Kaitlyn is still super excited over the name. She wants to call her Charlie from day 1. While all our kids have names that can have at least one nickname with them: Kaitlyn- Kate, Katie; Matthew- Matt; Samantha- Sam, Sammie; Charlotte- Charlie; but I don't necessarily love using nicknames. I think I just like having the options...

Last weekend, we were asked if Charlotte will be our last baby. The simple answer to that is yes. The follow up question was "What, you aren't going to give Dusty a son?" Ouch. I responded that I did. I'll tell you, at the time, it felt like a million stabs in the chest followed by a squirt of lime and handful of salt. And, it took a couple of days for the sting to wear off. Even though I know it was an innocent question with no ill intent, it just goes to show sometimes it's hard to pretend like something doesn't hurt, and sometimes it's hard to realize that the pain can stay fresh forever.

This is, without a doubt, our last baby. If the placenta doesn't moved a considerable amount, we run the risk of a hysterectomy at delivery. Even if it does move away for a safe delivery, I know that I should not have another one, and I know that our lives will be full raising 3 little princesses. Not to mention that my doctor has agreed since week 6 that another pregnancy would put my health in jeopardy and that of said pregnancy. I would not put our babies mommy in danger and our family in more stress just to try for another boy.

 It can be really disappointing to know that we will not raise a boy in our lifetime. But, a lot of that disappointment comes from not being able to raise OUR little boy in our lifetime. We could have a dozen babies and 3 more boys and it will always hurt that we will not have the opportunity to raise Matthew. We have a son. We love him. And it's hard knowing all the milestones, kisses and hugs we miss out on. But, it is a part of our life that we have to learn to live with.

 In other news: This weekend was crazy busy!

 We had Kaitlyn's jamboree for Cheer, Camaryn's birthday, a visit from Dusty's family, family pictures, Sunday dinner and little time for rest. Thanks to my mom, we were able to get an updated family picture. One we can proud to use with the March of Dimes. I set up the camera, posed the family and gave her the hard task of snapping the picture and getting a crabby baby to look in her direction and smile.

Kaitlyn's STAR testing results came in and she's doing awesome. She scored advanced in both categories that she was tested in. She had a blast cheering on Saturday and can't wait to cheer for a real game. She practices every single minute of every single day. Every. Single. Minute. She's enjoying school and making new friends, who she says she likes to teach the cheers to at recess lol. She says she wants to do basketball once cheer season is over.

Samantha is teething. Which has her sleep schedule and normally happy temperament all screwed up. She goes to bed by 9, but stays awake past 11 in her bed. I usually fall asleep before she does, but since she doesn't fuss, I don't mind. At 8:40 AM we reach the time where she HAS to get up or Kaitlyn will be late for school. She hates this. Half the time she falls asleep on the way there and wakes up when we get home. Then she naps from about 11-2. Some days longer, yesterday she took another 2 hours after we got home with Kaitlyn. I look forward to that pretty tooth to finish breaking through the skin and to get our happy little girl back.

The only other developments in our home has been Archie. Dusty noticed on Thursday that his eye was looking a little funky so we took him to the vet on Friday afternoon. We were told he was fat. We weren't surprised. It turned out that he must of scratched his eye or gotten something in it and scratched it and ended up with an infection. We've been giving him drops a few times a day and it's almost looking normal again.

Wishing everyone a happy week!

22 weeks Pregnant

Only 18 weeks to go until her due date. Or, rather, only 17 weeks and 3 days to go until her birthday. Today's bi-weekly ultrasound revealed that not a lot has changed. She's still growing ahead of schedule, she still prefers to sleep than move around for the tech, the placenta is still anterior and covering a portion of the cervix and the cervix is still measuring about 3.5 cm. As far as pregnancy goes, aside from the constant, nothing can take it away heartburn and exhaustion, I feel pretty ok. I'll feel a heckuva lot better once we can get rid of all this yucky heat!! But, only another month or so, right? The family has been staying busy. Kaitlyn is loving school and we're waiting for the results of her STAR testing last year. Her teacher from last year pulled her aside today and told her she tested advanced in all subjects. She was very proud. She's been practicing cheers non-stop the last couple of weeks. She has jamboree this weekend and then games every Saturday through October starting Sept 1. Samantha is growing. She is talking more and more and becoming incredibly demanding. She knows more and more of what she wants and she rarely has the patience to wait for it. She loves cakes and cookies and hates anything green. If you want to convince her to try something just tell her it's a cupcake or candy. She still buys it about half the time. Her cutest thing right now is telling you "I dunno" while doing a cute face and putting her hands up like she's catching rain. Our family has been honored and humbled to be chosen as 2013's Ambassador Family for the Greater Capital Division March of Dimes. We're so excited to be able to help bring more awareness to prematurity and infant death. We're also incredibly proud to be able to make a difference in the community. I'm also incredibly nervous about the idea of speaking in front of thousands of people at the March... And, our littlest Miss has a name: Charlotte Grace. Kaitlyn is excited to be able to call her Charlie, and we're glad she finally has a name.

21 weeks Pregnant!

Since it's an odd week, I only have one appointment this week. Which, still makes it go by fast since I walk in and feel like "I was just here!", which means that even number weeks go by even faster! Only 127 days until we are tentatively scheduled to hold this little one outside the belly. As of yesterday, our still unnamed baby girl hit 21 weeks gestation. She's probably close to a pound now and I can feel her more regularly every day. She's way more active in the afternoon and the evening. I bet you'll be able to feel her from the outside in the next couple of weeks. Kaitlyn will be so excited, every day she asks if she can feel the baby yet. And Samantha has been showing more and more that she is getting "it." She rubs my belly and says "Baby, Nice" to show that she isn't slapping my stomach, but petting it nicely. Which is cute. Except for when we're in the store and she rips up my shirt and screams "BABY, NICE!" Yeah, that's less cute. Kaitlyn has started 3rd grade and loves it. She was glad to get the teacher she wanted, her best friend's twin sister and her other best friend are both in her class. She picked up her back up pair of glasses this morning and still loves them. She's starting to love cheer even more, even though she's disappointed to not "fly" as much as she was. No reminding her that it's only her third week convinces her that she'll ever fly again. Samantha's language has exploded. And she's pretty darn funny. Her favorites lately are "Whoa Baby!" And "See ya!" and "No Way" mostly all at appropriate times. Of course, she's also perfected tantrums, throwing her head on the ground and screaming No as loud as she can to get everyone's attention. Can anyone else believe that we're already halfway through August?!?!

20 week OB appointment and the last day of Summer!!

Today was the last day of summer vacation. And it was busy. We started the day off with a meeting at the March of Dimes Greater Capital Division office. We are incredibly blown away and honored to have been asked to be the 2013 Greater Capital Division March of Dimes Ambassador Family. We are beyond honored and so excited to be a part of such an amazing organization. From there we stopped by a couple of Walmarts looking for some things for Dusty. After striking out at two of them, we headed to my 20 week OB appointment. I'm up 13 lbs, woo-hoo, which is about 7 shy of what my doctor's goal is. So, when I return to the OB in a month for a normal appointment, my goal is to have gained another 11. Um. Yeah that is gonna be a little difficult I think. For the horrific reflux, I get to keep taking Zantac twice a day and in addition to the Tums, I can add in Maloxx or Mylanta. Here's hoping it works and I can start eating some yummy food again. Unlike yesterday when little one wouldn't move regardless of anything anyone did, this time she was going insane and had no desire to sit still to have her heart beat examined. But, eventually we got it for a moment. The course of treatment has changed slightly. The recommended course of action for p17 with Samantha had been to go from week 16 to week 36. 20 weeks of injections. This time, they are stopping them at 34 weeks. Which is the same cut off for when they would administer steroid injections. After my appointment we dropped lunch off to Dusty and went and got our own lunch at Burger King. Who was out of ICEE's. And frozen lemonades. Both, the only reasons we went there. We headed to IKEA to exchange a part of a chair. When we went on Saturday to get Kaitlyn a new chair for her desk, the aisle was all messed up and I managed to get a bottom and a top that do not match, do not fit together and will not work. There were 4 people ahead of us. It took over an hour to get it exchanged. Absolutely ridiculous. I was so frustrated. As was Kaitlyn. Luckily, we were able to de-stress when we went to get manis and pedis with Grandma. Samantha was a bit jealous. But, while she likes having her nails and toes painted, you have to use the instant dry polish or she thinks it's finger painting... So, she was given a lollipop and my iphone to play with. With pretty fingers and pretty toes, we went and Kaitlyn picked out a new pair of glasses to be a back up pair. She chose a really cute pink wire frame pair that should be here in a week and a half. She also got a couple new cases for her glasses since her first pair came with a soft case and I know this kid. And then we headed home. Where the air is fixed and it's a perfect 68 degrees. It's off to cheer and bed time before Kaitlyn's first day of 3rd grade tomorrow!

20 weeks and happy anniversary

Half way there! Woo-hoo!

Little baby __________ is measuring 12 ounces, still a girl, loves sucking on her fingers and is stubborn as can be. It looks like she'll have sleep habits more like Kaitlyn and less like Samantha. My cervix is an awesome 3.6cm and my complete anterior placenta previa is now a marginal anterior placenta previa, which is good news. The hope is my placenta's position will shift as the uterus grows and all will be well.

I now get to have my weekly injection appointment, bi-weekly ob appointment and bi-weekly peri appointment and ultrasound. Once I hit this stage with Samantha it felt like I was constantly going to the doctors, it felt like time flew. We really should decide on a name (don't worry, there is an app for that and I did download it). Then start going through baby things. All we really need to get is a car seat and double stroller and I am so torn on strollers. I finally found a single stroller I am in love with and I've been trying those out since Kaitlyn was a toddler! Obviously, we have plenty of girl things lol.

I had every intention of taking a first belly pic today. Then, we were running late. Then, it was hot, then I forgot to take my Zantac and was miserable. Then the ac went out at home and I was more miserable, swollen and gross. So, I'm shooting for tomorrow.

Today, Dusty and I celebrated our 8 year anniversary. We were so naive and innocent then. A few days before, we were hit by a drunk driver and I spent some time in labor and delivery being monitored for contractions. I was just shy of 27 weeks pregnant. They went away on their own. That was the closest we had ever been to something in our lives being not ok. Since then, we've had a little girl, buried a son after a high risk pregnancy, hospital bed rest and a premature delivery, experienced 3 miscarriages, welcomed another little girl and are dealing with another high risk pregnancy. And everything in between. We may not always enjoy the same movies, or agree on every tiny detail, and we've both rolled our eyes a time or two, but on all the medium and big things, we see eye to eye, we laugh at the same stupid jokes, enjoy the same immature cartoons, put our family first and are there when it really matters. There isn't anyone else I could have survived the last 5 years with or would want to envision the rest of my life with.

20 weeks down, 19 weeks and 3 days left until an eternity with our family complete.

Happy 5th birthday Matthew

Today is Matthew's 5th birthday. He should be running around, jumping, creating havoc, and enjoying cupcakes for breakfast. Instead, he will forever be our teeny tiny little baby boy.

The 5th birthday is a big milestone to me. It's the year little ones start kindergarten, stop being preschoolers and become official "big kids." It's the last year you are likely sure that they will keep their cute little baby teeth, and the last year they can use one hand to show "how many" they are.

This year, Matthew does not get to pick out a backpack and lunch box. He doesn't get to go the school' ice cream social and find out who his teacher is or where his classroom is. just as he didn't get to celebrate his first through fourth birthdays with us, he simply isn't here on Earth to celebrate his 5th. To us, he will always be a 10 lb stinker in tiny clothes who we make silly faces and sounds at to try and get a peek at a smile.

This year, our family will continue to miss him as we celebrate another birthday without him, as we welcome another sister without him and as we prepare for another Christmas without him.

His life was far too short, but rich in love. He is forever a big part of our family, forever missed and forever loved. While I trade anything in the world to have him here with us, I am so incredibly thankful for the precious time we ad with our little miracle.