Thursday, May 26, 2011

The first time parent. Again.

Anyone that has two children knows the difference between the second and the first.

With the first you're just so unsure.  Even if you have researched like crazy you still constantly second guess yourself, every decision you make, every fever and the course of action, every time you discipline or don't discipline.  You worry about whether you are making the right/wrong decision about everything.  You call the doctor for everything.  You worry about poop in ways you never thought you would before.

With your second, it's just different.  You feel more relaxed.  You feel more confident in what you do, you have a been there done that attitude.  You have found your stride, you don't feel like you need to consult the books or the doctor for every single decision you make.

Then, your second dies.  And you lose so much more than just your baby, so much more than your hopes and dreams for them, so much more than you ever thought you could possibly lose.  In addition, you lose your confidence, your stride, your everything.

I have found with Samantha I am way more paranoid.  I call the doctor more than I ever did even with Kaitlyn.  I read way more, I question everything more, I examine everything constantly.  This poor kid is probably way over having her temperature done so regularly or her poop stared at.  Everything is just different.  Every sneeze, every wheeze, every breath that sounds a tiny bit out of order, you question.

As Samantha gets closer to her birthday, I feel some of it coming back.  A little less questioning.  A little less worry.  A little more "just go with it" kind of attitude.  A little less of that first time parent feeling.  And I like it.

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