Finding Happiness

Last week there was a comment on a post that got me thinking.  Ashley had wrote "Found your blog through another SIDS mommy...just wanted to say that your children are beautiful.  I lost my son about 8 months ago to SIDS and it is inspiring to find someone who has gone on to be happy."

My first thought was sadness.  Ashley, I am so sorry for your loss.  I truly am.  If I could get a magic wand and turn back the clocks and make it so it never happened, I would do it before I could blink.

But then, it got me thinking about how far we've come and where we are.  I really never thought I would reach a point where I could have a fun day, a day of laughter, giggling and joy without guilt again.  I mean, how could I giggle and have fun when our son had died?  How could I do that?  Why would I want to?  Why would I want life to go on, to get "normal" again?  What good would that do?

And I don't think it has been easy to get to where we are, and while I would say that we are a happy family, and I am happy, I would be lying if I said that there wasn't still a really sad part of me.

I think eventually, you reach a point where your point of view and outlook on everything changes drastically.  Instead of feeling guilty for enjoying life, you feel guilty when you don't.  You feel like unless you are doing everything possible to make your life worth living you're taking for granted the fact that you still have your life, and that's not fair.

You start to realize how precious every single day is.  You stop taking so much for granted and you stop wasting so much time on things that really do not matter.  You see how pointless stupid drama is, you see how important some people in your life are and how unimportant others are, you see how you want to spend your days and you begin to act on all that you see.  You change.  You become the new you.  You grow as a person.  Your relationships with those important to you grow so deeply.

And, you make a switch to being so grateful for the time you did have with him.  Knowing so many women deliver their babies and never see them take their first breath, or cry their loud cry, or nurse or feed or bathe their little ones even once really helps you to see how truly fortunate you are.

I'm not going to lie and say everything is always hunky dory, or that there is even a minute through the day when I don't think of him, wish he were here or wonder how he'd be, or that it does not physically hurt to not have him here.  But, I am going to say, I can not only go a few days at a time without crying, but I can do so without feeling guilty.  I can enjoy parts of life without feeling guilty about living.

Matthew will always be missed, loved and an important part of our family.  He will never be forgotten and he will never be replaced.  He is with us every day and thought of so often.  He has brought so much joy and happiness into our lives and there is nothing that can minimize that joy.