We will mark 4 years since Matthew left us. 4 years.
I notice that sometimes I fall into the same patterns I remember having right after his death. A lot of days after feel like a blur. I have minimal recollection of a lot of things while so many memories are so there and so forward in my brain that I feel like even if I took a scrubber to my brain, they will always be there.
While during the long hospital stay and our NICU stay the internet and message boards provided such a sense of support, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with the internet after Matthew passed. I didn't want to stumble across the wrong story, I didn't want to be asked how I was doing, I didn't want to feel pitied. But, I used the computer a lot. I played a lot of solitaire. It was a distraction. It forced my brain to not think about what we were experiencing. It took my mind of the incredible pain of engorgement, or the fact that I didn't have any baby diapers to change, any bottoms to pat asleep and if people were around, it offered my an opportunity to be in control.
When my mind wasn't occupied, the tears would not stop. How could they? Our baby was gone and there was absolutely nothing we could do about it. A part of our life had ended and time had stopped for him and in a way for us. Yet, for the rest of the world, life still went on. People still had to go to work, had to eat, had to clean bathrooms and so did we. Sometimes I think this is why I still like to stay so busy.
It's funny what the mind remembers. I remember it being a long time before I could be by myself for even a moment. I hated being by myself so much that I would have Dusty sit in the bathroom with me when I took a shower. I'm not exactly sure why I was so afraid of being by myself. While I can remember hat so clearly, I couldn't tell you how we got through Christmas. Sometimes I still don't know how we get through Christmas.
4 years ago, we were a happy and hopeful family of 4. Our biggest concerns were getting through the winter without Matthew being hospitalized with an infection and getting Kaitlyn to and from Speech therapy. We had no idea what the future held for us.