The Anniversary No One Wants

Tomorrow is our "Anniversary No One Wants."  Tomorrow it will be 4 years since Matthew left our home to never return.

4 years since the frantic 911 call.

4 years since Dusty performed CPR.

4 years since that terrible ride to the ER.

4 years waiting for Dusty to get there.

4 years since the EMT told me there was nothing more they could do.

4 years since she took me into the ER and I saw the team frantically working on him.

4 years since I had to ask to hold him.

4 years since I begged them to at least remove the needle from him leg to cuddle him.

4 years since we sat with his body until the coroner arrived.

4 years since we left the hospital empty handed, again, only to not return for him.

4 years since we had to go home and reenact how we found him with a fake doll provided by the coronor.

4 years since we started waiting for answers.

4 years since we started wondering why.

4 years since our new life began, the life without him.

Tomorrow is Matthew's angel day.  The anniversary of his death.  If I could make the day disappear from the calendar I would in a heartbeat.  Tomorrow is also the "wave of light" and Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness day.  At 7:00 PM people are encouraged to light a candle for the little ones lost far too soon to begin a wave of light around the world for these missed princes and princesses.

When you have a baby, you never stop and think "what will I do if he dies?"  In the excitement of planning nurseries and birthday parties and cake smashing, you don't stop to think about how you would honor his life on the anniversary of the day he died.  You don't think about what the plan will be for his angelversarry.

Tomorrow, we will go to the cemetery.  We will decorate for fall.  We will tell him the 4 things we know he already knows.  We love him to the moon and back.  We miss him so much our hearts hurt.  We wish that he was here to play and learn and grow with us.  And we look forward to being reunited.

A lifetime can last as little has 70 days and leave an impact that touches the world for eternity.