Glutton For Punishment

Kaitlyn and I were in Dusty’s car today driving when she told me she wanted to talk to Matthew. She asked if I would make it so she could see the clouds. She’s never asked to do this before, so I obliged and opened the sunroof, not to sure of what she was going to say.

I have always before told Kaitlyn that she could talk to Matthew anytime she wanted and he would always be able to hear her. Today, she told me that if she talked to the sky, past the clouds, he would be able to talk to her.

Kaitlyn started by excitedly saying "Hi Matthew!!" And then repeating it a couple more times, so obviously pleased with herself and the oppurtunity to talk to him. She then asked her first question "What are you doing up there Matthew?" To which she answered for him "playing with the other angel babies." Kaitlyn continued her conversation by telling Matthew that she loved him and missed him. She then made her request "You not be died no more, otay Matthew?" She repeated "otay Matthew?" 3 more times before telling him again that she loved him and blowing kisses towards the sunroof, passed the clouds and into the heavens above.

It nearly broke my heart.

In the same car ride, Kaitlyn fell asleep. Dreaming of her brother and all the fun he is having I’m sure. During that time, Dr. Laura was on. A woman called the show to discuss a problem in her life. She was the mother of 3 beautiful girls she said. Her youngest had past away and she felt as though she had died as well. She couldn’t get over the grief. Dr. Laura gave her some great advice, the same advice I give to myself everyday. Regardless of whether or not you want to do it, you have to do it. There is still someone else that depends on you and needs you and they deserve to have someone completely there.

I know it’s the truth. I know it’s something I remind myself of every day. Kaitlyn deserves the best chance of a happy normal childhood and life that we can possibly offer her. I know that she grieves too, I know that we are blessed to have her, and I know it is my responsibility as her mommy to show her all of the greatness in the world. But, most of the time it does feel really forced, it does feel as though I am just going through the motions because I am supposed to do that.

February was really hard emotionally. Matthew would have been 6 months old. I can so vividly remember everything about Kaitlyn when she was 6 months old and there were so many things that I looked forward to with Matthew at that age. Would he be sitting on his own? Would we be trying food? Would he be crawling? How much would be weigh? How would he and Kaitlyn get along?

When Dusty and I were going to the cemetery on Sunday, he commented that he couldn’t believe it had nearly been 5 months. I agree. It doesn’t seem like that much time could have possibly passed and at the same time it feels like eternities have gone by and time is just standing still.

5 months isn’t that long. Carter’s still carries a lot of Matthew’s clothes. Dusty and I both have the same favorite "Matthew" outfit that he wore. I loved it so much that after we got it in the NB size at the shower, I bought the 0-3 month size. It was simple, cozy and oh so cute. It was a baseball style long sleeve onesie in red and white stripes with red pants. So cute! I love that outfit. I’m glad we have two. One to keep whole and one for the quilt. I think the fact that the stores still carry it as this season reminds me of how recent his birth was. It is one of the main reasons I don’t step foot in the boy department anymore and rarely into baby stores period.

For the most part, I don’t ever think about the night Matthew passed. It’s too hard. But sometimes, a word or a thought or something in passing will bring back such vivid details that I want to scream, cry, puke, run and hide. I sometimes wonder if it’s because I’m a glutton for punishment or because my subconscience wants to remind me how hard we tried to save him, how much Dusty did to try and keep him with us.

I think in an effort to try and appear normal and try to give Kaitlyn a normal life, I sometimes allow myself into situations where I feel helpless and depressed. I know that I need to stop doing that. I know that I need to put my foot down, not give a damn what anyone else things and put me first. But, sometimes that is so much harder to do than to say. I hate the thought of dissapointing others. I hate the thought of being the "downer" or the "depressed" one. Although, in reality, right now that is my role and there isn’t anything wrong with that. I KNOW that I will never get over losing Matthew. I know that with all of my heart and I honestly have no intention of trying to do so. But, I also know, that I will get through losing him. I may not be the same person on the other side of this journey, but I know I will reach the other side.

There isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t wish I could hold him and hug him and kiss him and tell him how much we love him. There isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t think about him and all that he meant and means to our family.

I also think I made a mistake in the first month or two of Matthew’s passing to be too vulnerable and not think about who I was saying what to. I’ve tried really hard since then to keep my guard up. I know that I’m in a very sensitive state and I don’t want to waste the energy and the vulnerability on someone that may not care. Does that make sense?

Tomorrow will be 5 months since we were able to hold Matthew and feel his warmth against our skin. How I wish things could be different, what I wouldn’t give.

Sorry this is such a jumbled mess. There is just so much going on in this little head of mine.