Monday, October 27, 2008


I've been told over and over that it's completely natural to be angry with God during this time.

Truth be told, I'm not angry with God. I am angry though. I am angry with myself for letting this happen. I am angry that Matthew wasn't more of a priority for more people. Most of all, I'm angry with people that have absolutely no appreciation for the amazing gift they have been given by having a child.

The anger with myself is something that I have to deal with and I know part of the grieving process will allow me to one day be at peace with. I know that it will not be an easy journey and it will be a journey that will take time.

My anger with others in regards to Matthew is an anger that subsides a little bit each day. I know that I did all I could to bring Matthew into the lives other as frequently as possible. Some people were super, duper awesome and visited him as much as they could. As for the others, my anger melts into a bit of, I don't know, sadness for them. I know that so many think tomorrow is promised and owed to us. I know it's easy to put off until tomorrow or next week or next month or next year because in your wildest dreams, you don't think that the worse will happen to someone you know. And I am sure they have regrets. I am sure that they wish they would have done something different. But, again, I can't control or take responsibility for the actions of others.

My anger towards others is the type of anger that scares me. There is a tenant here with a little boy about 10-11 months old. He's as cute as can be, bright blue eyes and shiney blonde hair. His apartment is absolutely DISGUSTING. I mean, I wouldn't step foot in there. Today I saw him walking around with the kid in a diaper in one arm and a cigarette in his mouth. Seriously, how do you do that?? I see pregnant women all the time eating things they shouldn't, doing things they shouldn't and not seeming to care one bit about the life inside of them. I try not to judge, becaue I don't know them or their situation, but it's hard.

I know that I am anal retentive about a lot of things that may seem silly to other. I KNOW it. I know that it probably isn't healthy, but it's who I am and I love me. I'm ok with that. I am SUPER anal retentive when it comes to the health and well being of my children. I steer clear of everything that could cause damage to a baby. They say not to give honey or peanut butter until a child's one. I didn't even eat it while I was pregnant or nursing with Kaitlyn or Matthew. I stayed away from all nitrates, nitrites, caffiene, excessive amounts of sugar and made sure I ate from the whole food pyramid. I took my vitamins like they were life support. For me, being a mommy is super hard work and I try to make it even harder by giving myself this list of rules and regulations that I am not allowed to veer from.

With Matthew, I was even more strict than I was with Kaitlyn. He was my fragile little boy and I wanted the absolute best for him. I HATED pumping. Pumping is the worst feeling in the world and every day I wanted to give it up. But, I didn't. I got up every 2 hours during the night and made sure to pump every 1.5-2 hours during the day. I kept pumping even when Matthew came home. I wanted to be sure that I had an adequete supply and a good freezer stash in case my supply diminished like with Kaitlyn. I was more particular about what I ate and what I drank.

I would never, ever wish harm on a baby; regardless of how inept, unappreciative, naive, or disgusting their parent was. But, it seems awfully unfair and unjust to have him taken from me when I did everything I could to keep him healthy. I gave up so much and I did it with pleasure. I gave up trips to the mall, the store, and birthday parties with Kaitlyn so that I could stay home and keep Matthew safe and healthy in my arms.

Being a mom is hard work. It's tiring work. Being Matthew and Kaitlyn's mom left me exhausted, always hungry and stressed out at times. But, more than anything in the world, it made me happy. Sure it seemed like there weren't enough hours in the day, but there isn't anything I would trade for it.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Steps in Happiness

When we start doing things for others we encounter in our lives, we are rewarded with the clear vision of the greatest riches in life.

One of the hardest things for some to do is release themselves from the stress of anger and hurt. But, when you are free of the anger and hurt, the sky is bluer, the laughs come easier and the smiles are ever present.

There was a point in my life where I would hold onto anger much like I would a happy memory, only not so happy. I would let it store up and fester, allowing it to breed and turn into something much more dramatic than necessary. Not anymore. I learned a while ago that life is so short and so incredibly precious and amazing that there is no reason to punish yourself with the hurt and the anger. There is someone who you can push it onto and who will resolve it from your system. All you have to do is ask Him.

I've never been too fond of organized religion. I suppose in a way, I have never been fond of others outlining what kind of relationship I can have with God. I have always found my relationship with God to be something personal and I have found that with more time that passes, it is something that grows stronger.

Having a relationship with someone you cannot see and cannot feel is not an easy thing. It is a relationship built on faith and trust. Two very hard things to build, especially when those who chose not to have that relationship, for whatever reason, seem to have a desire to tear it down bit by bit. We see it in the media, we see it in the evil of the world, it's everywhere you turn around.

Anyways, I have found that there are some very easy things you can do to have a happy, sunnier life, and I thought I would share them with you :)

* Release yourself of the pain and anger you have. The weight of the world will be lifted off your shoulders and you will feel free.

* Stay out of it. If there is drama around you, stay out of it. There is no benefit to it, it's an endless cycle that isn't worth the energy

* Cherish each and every moment you have, end every day as though it is your last

* Every Day do one nice thing for someone around you expecting nothing in return

* Every Day take 5 minutes for you

* Do not take any moment or any relationship in your life for granted

* Trust in God. Allow Him to carry any burdens for you

Today was a good day. Tomorrow promises to be better since Dusty will get home :) I am incredibly grateful for the Amazing Family and Incredible Friends I am blessed to have in my life.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Last Day to register!!

Don't forget to register.

I rarely get political here. I don't want to alienate any friends, and I don't like to talk politics among friends. I tend to get a bit passionate :P

This year I will be casting my vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Not necessarily because they are my ideal candidates. John McCain is pretty liberal for my general liking, but at least he and I share some ideologies.

I know this is unpopular to say, I know to many the following statement can only be made by someone who is ignorant, uneducated, racist, filled with fear and only wants America to go backwards. But, I'm going to say it anyways. I have absolutely no desire to have Obama as our president.

At the end of the day, I would love a woman as president, a person of Black, Asian, Mexican, Spanish, and on and on and on, decent, but I am not going to vote for someone just because they are different on the outside.

I am completely and totally against redistribution of wealth in America. I am against taking money from someone who has worked hard for it and giving it to someone who does not have as much money just to make everything equal. That is not opportunity, that is not the American Dream, that is a socialist ideology.

The American Dream is to be able to work hard in life, earn money and keep it. It is not to work hard, earn money and then give it to be forced to give it to someone else by the government.

Why in the world do we need SO much government interference?

Abortion. I can see the need for abortion. I can. It is not a choice I would or could ever make for myself, but for some it is a necessity to save the mother's life. In this society, abortion has become much more of a tool of birth control than a tool of saving a life.

I know that it is not realistic to overturn Roe V. Wade. But there is a need for reform. In cases of abortions to just prevent a birth, the woman should be more encouraged to consider adoption, the woman should have an ultrasound at least once prior to the procedure, the woman should be given a psychiatric evaluation prior to the abortion and then receive emotional help and support following the abortion.

I could never in good conscience vote for a man who would not want his child to be burdened with a baby because of a CHOICE she made. That is one of the most selfish things I have ever heard.

I could never in good conscience vote for a man who voted AGAINST The Born Alive Infant Protection Act. This is an act that allowed for medical treatment and intervention for those babies that survived a partial birth abortion. He voted against giving those babies pain medication, oxygen, treatment to have a chance and an opportunity at life. Instead, they are to be disposed of as though they are an unwanted tumor or growth.

I could never in good conscience vote for a man who is in favor of partial birth abortion. Babies are born every day at 24 weeks - 28 weeks and surviving. We saw them in the NICU fighting for their lives. How can anyone support killing a baby that can live on the outside just because their labor didn't start naturally?

I am not going to say Obama is a terrorist, but he shows some terrible judgment time and time again.

Let's start with Rev Wright. Rev Wright is a man who believes:

"Sen. Barack Obama's pastor says blacks should not sing "God Bless America" but "God damn America."

"The government lied about inventing the HIV virus as a means of genocide against people of color. The government lied."

And as also ran a church that believes in strengthening Black America, not America as a whole.

Then there is Bill Ayers, ACORN, his wife who is finally proud to be an American, Bernardine Dohrn and so many more.

I could completely dismiss just one affiliation as poor judgment, but consistent poor judgment is not something I want in a president.

I would point out his voting record, but it's lacking a lot of substance. Obama can't ever sit still and do is job, as soon as he obtains a political position, he starts campaigning for the next. He hasn't done his job for those that voted him into Senate. He has not represented them. He has not voted for them. He does not care enough.

I honestly believe Obama is too selfish to be a good president.

Even if Obama wins, I know that at the end of his socialist-like term, people will be eager for a much more conservative president.