Glutton For Punishment

Kaitlyn and I were in Dusty’s car today driving when she told me she wanted to talk to Matthew. She asked if I would make it so she could see the clouds. She’s never asked to do this before, so I obliged and opened the sunroof, not to sure of what she was going to say.

I have always before told Kaitlyn that she could talk to Matthew anytime she wanted and he would always be able to hear her. Today, she told me that if she talked to the sky, past the clouds, he would be able to talk to her.

Kaitlyn started by excitedly saying "Hi Matthew!!" And then repeating it a couple more times, so obviously pleased with herself and the oppurtunity to talk to him. She then asked her first question "What are you doing up there Matthew?" To which she answered for him "playing with the other angel babies." Kaitlyn continued her conversation by telling Matthew that she loved him and missed him. She then made her request "You not be died no more, otay Matthew?" She repeated "otay Matthew?" 3 more times before telling him again that she loved him and blowing kisses towards the sunroof, passed the clouds and into the heavens above.

It nearly broke my heart.

In the same car ride, Kaitlyn fell asleep. Dreaming of her brother and all the fun he is having I’m sure. During that time, Dr. Laura was on. A woman called the show to discuss a problem in her life. She was the mother of 3 beautiful girls she said. Her youngest had past away and she felt as though she had died as well. She couldn’t get over the grief. Dr. Laura gave her some great advice, the same advice I give to myself everyday. Regardless of whether or not you want to do it, you have to do it. There is still someone else that depends on you and needs you and they deserve to have someone completely there.

I know it’s the truth. I know it’s something I remind myself of every day. Kaitlyn deserves the best chance of a happy normal childhood and life that we can possibly offer her. I know that she grieves too, I know that we are blessed to have her, and I know it is my responsibility as her mommy to show her all of the greatness in the world. But, most of the time it does feel really forced, it does feel as though I am just going through the motions because I am supposed to do that.

February was really hard emotionally. Matthew would have been 6 months old. I can so vividly remember everything about Kaitlyn when she was 6 months old and there were so many things that I looked forward to with Matthew at that age. Would he be sitting on his own? Would we be trying food? Would he be crawling? How much would be weigh? How would he and Kaitlyn get along?

When Dusty and I were going to the cemetery on Sunday, he commented that he couldn’t believe it had nearly been 5 months. I agree. It doesn’t seem like that much time could have possibly passed and at the same time it feels like eternities have gone by and time is just standing still.

5 months isn’t that long. Carter’s still carries a lot of Matthew’s clothes. Dusty and I both have the same favorite "Matthew" outfit that he wore. I loved it so much that after we got it in the NB size at the shower, I bought the 0-3 month size. It was simple, cozy and oh so cute. It was a baseball style long sleeve onesie in red and white stripes with red pants. So cute! I love that outfit. I’m glad we have two. One to keep whole and one for the quilt. I think the fact that the stores still carry it as this season reminds me of how recent his birth was. It is one of the main reasons I don’t step foot in the boy department anymore and rarely into baby stores period.

For the most part, I don’t ever think about the night Matthew passed. It’s too hard. But sometimes, a word or a thought or something in passing will bring back such vivid details that I want to scream, cry, puke, run and hide. I sometimes wonder if it’s because I’m a glutton for punishment or because my subconscience wants to remind me how hard we tried to save him, how much Dusty did to try and keep him with us.

I think in an effort to try and appear normal and try to give Kaitlyn a normal life, I sometimes allow myself into situations where I feel helpless and depressed. I know that I need to stop doing that. I know that I need to put my foot down, not give a damn what anyone else things and put me first. But, sometimes that is so much harder to do than to say. I hate the thought of dissapointing others. I hate the thought of being the "downer" or the "depressed" one. Although, in reality, right now that is my role and there isn’t anything wrong with that. I KNOW that I will never get over losing Matthew. I know that with all of my heart and I honestly have no intention of trying to do so. But, I also know, that I will get through losing him. I may not be the same person on the other side of this journey, but I know I will reach the other side.

There isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t wish I could hold him and hug him and kiss him and tell him how much we love him. There isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t think about him and all that he meant and means to our family.

I also think I made a mistake in the first month or two of Matthew’s passing to be too vulnerable and not think about who I was saying what to. I’ve tried really hard since then to keep my guard up. I know that I’m in a very sensitive state and I don’t want to waste the energy and the vulnerability on someone that may not care. Does that make sense?

Tomorrow will be 5 months since we were able to hold Matthew and feel his warmth against our skin. How I wish things could be different, what I wouldn’t give.

Sorry this is such a jumbled mess. There is just so much going on in this little head of mine.

God's Intention

Several days ago, I overheard something that has been replaying in my mind. I've been trying to figure out why the statement stayed with me and I realized it did one two levels, one was that I found it hurtful regardless of it's intention and the second was trying to figure out and understand if there is any truth to the statement.

One person was telling another, in an attempt to comfort them from bad dreams, that if you have faith, God does not let bad things to happen to you.

I earnestly believe that God is not a spiteful, vindictive person. I do not believe that God allows or encourages bad things to happen to anyone.

Every day, bad things happen to good people. I do not believe it is God that causes those things to happen to the good people. Instead, I do believe that God is there for those with faith to get them through the difficulties life throws at them.

Sometimes, as difficult as it may be to understand or how impossible it may be to cope with, bad things just happen. There isn't a rhyme or reason, and even if you try to analyze it or figure out a why until the hours turn into days and the days into weeks and the weeks into months, there isn't a reason.

Regardless of how much or how little faith you have, good and bad things will happen in your life. Even if you pray with all of your heart around the clock, you can still be given challenges in life that you never signed up for or asked for. It doesn't in any way reflect a person's faith or what type of person they are.

Sometimes, you can do everything right and things still turn out wrong.

Anyways, thanks for letting me think outloud. Sometimes it makes it a lot easier to figure out my own thoughts and emotions.

Those who live in glass houses should think twice

Late last week I was in a situation that has become all too familiar in today's world.

It's the same situation that every parent is in on one occasion or another.

It's funny, my New Year's resolution last year was to be less judgmental of others and less assumptive as to the situations that form the opinions of others. I think I've done a decent job of sticking to that resolution.

I find it almost hilarious when those who are so obviously uneducated on some subjects are the first to spring their opinion as fact instead of as the opinion it nearly is.

There have been many times in Kaitlyn's life where strangers have pointed out what we are doing "wrong" in raising Kaitlyn and all of the things we should do differently to ensure that she becomes a good person. Normally, I brush the comments off. The way I've always seen it is Kaitlyn is an amazing little girl. She's very well behaved, smart, loving, empathetic, outgoing and very caring. Obviously we must have lucked out and done something right. The times it almost bothers me is when the comments are made my those who have no children and and are no where near having children.

I had a woman today comment on my allowing Kaitlyn a second toy at the 99 cent store. Kaitlyn hadn't cried, fussed, misbehaved or whined once in the store. She was on her very best behavior. Normally, when she's good she can have 1 item from the store. And she's really good at getting her one thing. She'll put back toys, DVDs, books or whatever else when she finds the perfect item for the day. Today was an exception. She wanted 2 things. Lip whistles and Spiderman bouncing balls. She went as far as to offer to use her dollar for the second toy. I gave in to her persuasive and well spoken points. But, according to the young "lady" who had no children this was creating a spoiled brat. And of course, when she got around to having kids she "wasn't havin' no brats that talked her into nothin'" Real classy I tell ya. And really, how do you have an educational debate with someone who is in no way educated with what being a parent is, means or does. It is a debate between a person who is experienced and educated in being a parent against one who is ignorant, inexperienced and speaking only on unfounded opinions that really mean absolutely nothing in the real world.

There were many things I swore I wouldn't and would do when I had kids. As soon as you get pregnant, some of those things go flying out the window faster than a piano falling off a high rise building. The important things stick. The important things that shape who your child is become issues that you will have no problem fighting for.

Another issue that I do take some offense to is the assumption that Baby/child modeling is explotive to a child, when it couldn't be further from the truth. I've heard this same argument within the past week. I've heard the same crap over and over since Kaitlyn's first ad came out. I've heard everything from the perverted thoughts that would make you cringe, the accusations that I was somehow living vicariously through my daughter, to the ignorant thought that somehow, a toddler or baby can be forced to model for the parent's gain. Good Luck with trying to force a baby or toddler to model. Last I checked, you can't make them smile, be happy, play or enjoy having their pictures taken. Let me set the record straight on a few things. 1, a pedophile does not need a Mervyn's ad to look for a victim. They can just as easily find them at the local park, school, McDonald's or grocery store. Camera's are readily available everywhere and anywhere children are. Being in a magazine does not make you more of a "target" or something that becomes a pedofile's fantasy. 2. How in the world would I live vicariously through a 2 year old? I have nothing by joyous memories of my childhood and my only intention is to give Kaitlyn the same happy memories. 3, parents do not gain anything through their child's work. Laws (not to mention morals and ethics) make it possible for the child to keep everything that they earn. Kaitlyn's account is growing like a weed. I will be proud to hand it over to her when she turns 18 and say "Here you go, you earned it" and mean it. It won't be a handout, it won't be a silver spoon. It will be a nice chunk of hard earned cash :) Of course, mommy and daddy have worked hard for her to be able to work for it. The countless trips to San Fran, the driving at 5 AM for an 8 AM shoot, the photographs needed for headshots, the updating of all of the resumes.

If the world stopped judging nearly as much as it does, it would be a brighter place. Please do not assume that you know what I am thinking, feeling, planning or wanting just because it's how you think you would think, feel, plan or want in the same situation. Unless you have been in this exact position you could never understand an ounce of it.

At the end of the day and the end of this blog, my hopes are that people will stop judging as much. It really isn't that hard to keep our opinions to ourselves :) And really, you might feel better for it.

Feeling kinda...

... blah

I don't know, it's a combination of so much. I am so tired and don't really have a lot of energy to do a whole lot.

This past weekend Kaitlyn went to the NES pageant in Visalia. She was crowned as Lifetime Grand Supreme Ambassador and had a blast. She watched her cousin Camaryn and her friends Kayla, Mackenzie, Victoria and Elizabeth compete. Kaitlyn was an absolute doll, I was really proud of her.

There was this great family there that was so incredibly nice and sweet. They brought Kaitlyn back way too much from Disneyland. I seriously thought I was going to cry. They brought her a Princess Mickey Ears hat, an autographed picture of Snow White and they did an autograph book with all of her favorite characters, complete with pictures.

Sunday we went to Hope's birthday party which was beautiful and festive. Kaitlyn had a lot of fun.

Kaitlyn went back to school Monday after being home sick for 2 weeks. She's so happy to be back. Today was her parent teacher conference. Turns out she's the social butterfly in the class. She's friends with everyone and never spends a moment alone. She's little Miss Popular evidently. To celebrate we went to the movies and saw Veggie Tales.

Matthew's autopsy report was finalized and today when I went to the coronor's to get Matthew's belongings that have finally been released we received our copy. Even though I haven't yet opened the bag of his things, I am glad to have them home and with us. The autopsy report is difficult to read, both emotionaly and in regards to terminology.

Tomorrow we will go to Disney Princesses on Ice to celebrate Valentine's Day!!

I hope everyone else is having a good week.

What I learned at the scrapbook store

Last week I ventured into a local scrapbook store. I was on a mission for blue scrapbook paper with white polka dots. After many stores, I finally located it, SCORE!

Quick plug for the awesome store: Scrapbook Station

The woman who owned the store was working and incredibly nice. She asked me what I was looking for, why, how long I lived in the area and all of that. She was a great conversationalist. In total, I spent over an hour in the store, purchasing 10 sheets of the same paper totalling $4.60.

During that time, we began discussing scrapbook projects I still have pending and all of the amazing things they have in their store. A digital dye cutter, a ton of papers and scrapbook albums customized with a picture.

We discussed the album I had done for Kaitlyn and the album I need to do for Kaitlyn. We also discussed the album I needed to do for our son.

Typically, I always mention Matthew's birth when discussing how many children I have. I don't always mention his passing. It isn't a matter of pretending like it didn't happen, rather it's deciding how much I want to invest in the particular person and whether or not I feel comfortable enough to put them into that position.

This woman had a grandson born almost exactly a month after Matthew. When it came time to discuss how the boys were doing, I let her know that our sweet Matthew was no longer with us and had gotten his wings a mere 10 weeks after taking his first breath.

She was a very compassionate woman and asked me how I have been able to go on. My answer was something that I knew, something I've thought of many times. I know that exactly what has gotten me through this. My beautiful and loving little girl, my devoted and amazing husband who is the love of my life. Other than that, I give all credit to my faith and the amazingly supportive group of friends and family that have completely and totally been there for me. Those who have been there the days, weeks and now months following Matthew's passing and funeral. Without those people, their shoulders to cry on, their kindness, and their support, who knows where I would be.

She said something to me that really touched me. She told me that I was blessed to have held an angel in my arms and to have had to pleasure of nuturing one of God's children before he was called back home.

While listening to the radio today, that came back to me. I was listening to Dr. Laura (Kaitlyn LOVES her and won't let me change the station, go figure) and a caller called in. She was a younger mom and she was upset that since having her baby 7 months ago she hasn't had much adult time and missed going out. Dr. Laura's response was that the time you have with your infant and toddler is the least selffish time you'll ever had. Our little ones demand so much from us. They take, take, take and give so very little.

I disagree. Yes, we gave, gave and gave to Matthew, but the rewards we had of his life were endless and plentiful. They are rewards and gifts that will keep us warm for a lifetime. What we got back from Matthew was far more wonderful and meaningful that anything I believe we could have given up.

The Call

12 weeks and 6 days after Matthew's death, the same coroner who worked the night Matthew died called us. His report was being finalized and his belongings are now being released and we can finally pick them up.

We asked about the cause of death. He believes it is easily of natural causes. The pathologist agreed and ruled the death SIDS. Because we did co-sleep, the cause of death officially reads SIDS-Co-sleep. He believes that our sleeping had nothing to do with Matthew's death. It was not responsible for his passing and changing it more than likely would not have altered the outcome.

Unfortanetly, even doing everything "right" and reducing all of the risks of SIDS, you cannot eliminate the risk of SIDS and nothing in life is promised.

I'm not sure exactly how I feel about everything right now. I thought that I would be relieved with the findings of SIDS. I thought it would alleviate any guilt or sense of responisibility, but it hasn't. I'm sure that it's completely and totally normal. Only time it seems can ease any sense of self blame.

We did go to the cemetery this morning. We had a few more things to add to his Valentine's decorated site. It shimmers, shines and is beautiful. We only wish he was here to enjoy his first Valentine's Day.

Moving Forward

There are times when there are so many emotions I feel at the same time, it's nearly impossible to put into words how I feel.

I think I'm reaching a point where I can be both happy and sad. I think I will always remain sad. There isn't any way around it, Matthew is gone and I miss him so much and that leaves me sad. I don't think I'll ever stop missing him, so I doubt I'll ever stop being sad. But, I am getting to the point where I can be happy at the same time.

I feel as though my heart dropped from my chest when Matthew died. It shattered all over the floor and as he left us, he took one of the biggest chunks and took it with him. The past 12 weeks and 6 days have been spent using super glue to put the pieces back together and try keep it still long enough for the glue to set. Friends and family are the reason it has been able to sit still long enough for the glue to hold. Even though it is set with the pieces remaining, there is still a large piece that is missing.

As time passes, I know that the glue will become more set and more sturdy. I also know that as time passes, as more magical and miraculous babies and people enter our lives, my heart will grow. While that piece will always be missing, and the size of the piece will always remain the same, the rest of my heart will continue to grow and continue to heal.

I know that my heart will always be sad for the loss of our Matthew and I know my arms will always ache to hold him just one more time, but I know that his time here was a magical blessing. We were so lucky to meet him, to hold him and to know him for the time we had.

I want to welcome the new babies making their ways into our families with warm arms, a warm heart and lots of love.

I think sometimes people forget that Kaitlyn has been through so much in the last 6 months. I think their expectations of her are much, much too high. She is a 3 year old who has experienced more in the past 6 months than many adults ever go through. She had her entire life turned upside down. I think she deserves to have parents who are happy with their life with her. I think she deserves to be surrounded by loving supportive people. I don't think it's fair to her to be anything but the best possible parents we can be to her.

So, no matter how hard some of the little things may be or how difficult the larger things are, I am going to push myself to move forward. For my sake, Dusty's sake and Kaitlyn's sake. I know Matthew will always be with me and I will always be with him. Who knows what the future will hold? Only time will tell.