I am incredibly thankful for the amazing friends and family I have.



Thank you for the help and support when I was resting, thank you for
helping me unpack when I was unable to help, thank you for bringing
play dates to me, thank you for the phone calls, hours of texting and
emails to keep me company, giving me suggestions on new message boards,
offers of help with all things baby and just amazing support and
excitment for bringing a new baby into the world. The excitement and
support is what I needed most.



A pregnancy after loss is so hard in so many ways. It is emotional,
difficult, worrisome, exciting and an adventure. You question yourself,
your body and what the opinions of others will be and how you will
handle them.



It is incredibly heart warming to have so many people there when it matters most and I am so grateful to you for that.



Thank You

Disappointed

Last night, we miscarried.

Matthew is now joined in heaven by his sibling.

Thank you to all of our amazing friends for their support and kindness.

Oh What Joys 2009 Can Bring

2009 is filled with lots of exciting updates for our family!

My new years resolutions are going great! I haven't had a problem with weight gain at all, it could be because by the time I set my new year's resolutions I was already 1 day or so pregnant! It's amazing what something as small as a grape does to your appetite!

This pregnancy is bringing a lot of emotions, everything from being excited, fearful, happy, nervous, sad, torn, thrilled and on and on and on.

My due date is September 30 (7 days after Matthew's). I will more than likely have a cesarean mid September (as long as I make it full term, fingers, toes, legs and eyes all crossed).

I'm already on restricted activity because of some bleeding, but everything else looks good. We saw the heart beat on Thursday at 125 bpm and the baby is measuring right on track!

We're also almost all the way into our new house! We're excited to have people over, especially this summer since the pool is gorgeous! And tempting!

We hope 2009 brings you much happiness!!

babyhomepages.net/millerbaby09

New Years, New Begginings

One of the great things about a new year is a new beginning. The calendar starts fresh. You get to start fresh. You get the opportunity to try and change, do or explore anything you want to.

I love challenges. So, it makes sense that I look forward to resolutions.

My resolutions this year are classic and simple. They involve personal appearances, health and personal growth. I know, so original :)

My first goals involve personal appearances and health.

Right now, I am 112 pounds :) So, I have shown improvement over years past, yippee! I want to gain 13 pounds. I want to be 125 pounds, that is still 5 pounds under "ideal" for my height, but I think it's obtainable. And, I would like to accomplish it by May 1, before the summer starts so I can properly enjoy it. That's 3.25 pounds a month. Which is only 13 ounces a week, only 1.85 ounces a day.

My health goals are more multi-tiered. I want to completely give up caffeine. I've been pretty good the past couple months, I just want to be completely done. Related, I also want to be sure to find more natural ways to go to sleep at night. No more sleeping aides. I also want to increase my water intake to 64 ounces a day (which I am really close to!), increase my intake of fruits and veggies and to hit the gym 5 days a week, which is probably how I'll hit the first goal.

My personal growth goals invovle making more memories, and to not sweat the small stuff. I'm going to do more of the things I like to do, because I like to do them and ensure that the ones that matter are in that front row. I am going to give up on the things that don't matter and the things that will never change.

I have two mini goals while I'm at it. Archie needs to loose weight. Like 20 pounds. He's at 44 pounds now :( We've already cut out any extra food and limit his intake. So, now we need to work on excersise with him.

My second mini goal is fresh flowers at the cemetery. We keep it decorated, there a few times a week, take care of the grass and clean the marker weekly (we actually do this for several plots around Matthew's as well), but I do think that fresh flowers would look so much better than the artificial ones like we have been doing. So, each week I want to take out fresh flowers.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful New Years. May 2009 bring you nothing but joy and harmony!!

Teaching Kids About Politics

I am certainly not a fan of shoving your candidate down the throat of anyone, even your children. I am a fan of teaching them why you support a candidate and how to be a good American regardless of what you believe in.

Halloween night my mom, Kaitlyn and I were in the car. We were driving down Jefferson Blvd when I noticed some guy taking the rather large McCain/Palin sign and flipping it over the fence it was hanging from so it was no longer visible.

To say I was livid would be an understatement. I had a lapse of Mommy judgment, rolled down a window, said my peace about Obama and showed off my favorite fingernail :P while screaming "You can't do that!"

I don't care WHO your candidate is. It is WRONG to take the voice from others. I've heard dozens of stories of people I know recently who have had their houses, cars, property vandalized only because of the politician they supported in this election, and it's happened on both sides.

On the way back down Jefferson Blvd., on Halloween Night, in the rain I got out of the car and flipped that heavy sign back over.

Had I of seen someone flipping an Obama sign I would have been equally as mad, although I doubt I would have taken the steps to correct it as I did with the McCain sign...

Anywho, Kaitlyn then asked why I don't like Obama and why I don't want him to be president.

The easiest of reasons to describe are redistribution and abortions. This night, I choose redistribution, something that we've been talking about since.

I described to her that after she is all done going door to door collecting candy, Obama for president would want to take all of her candy and divide it evenly with those who didn't go trick or treating. Kaitlyn didn't like that.

So, I've asked her very simply, if there was a little girl or boy who was so sick they couldn't go trick or treating, would you share your candy. "Of Course!" was the answer excitedly exclaimed. I asked her if it would be fair of me to tell her that she had to give her candy to them she said no, but when asked if she would make the decision to give her candy to those without and in need, she would in a heart beat.

I've learned that people are good at heart. They will do what needs to be done a whole lot better if done on their own rather than by force.

I've also learned that sometimes, if you put a slight twist or change on a thought, you can get a whole new perspective you may not have thought of.

I have respect and pride for all those that educate themselves on the issue and vote, regardless of what side of the aisle you're on, even if it means we cancel each other's vote out ;)

Since 1777, men and women have laid their lives on the line and fought for our freedom to cast our vote and let our opinions and our voices be heard. Is it really asking too much to read up on some issues and cast our votes?

Dusty and I excitedly filled out our Absentee ballots last week. There were a few debates on props, which brought new opinions, new thoughts and new points of views to the table, and there might be a "Denise Miller" write in for assemblymen because I didn't support either candidate and figured that "Denise Miller" gal would be the best gal for the job, but our votes have been cast.

And tomorrow, I will show my nearly 4 year old what her patriotic duty is all about, we will drop our votes, our voice, our thoughts and our opinion in the box to be counted.

Will you do the same?

Anger

I've been told over and over that it's completely natural to be angry with God during this time.

Truth be told, I'm not angry with God. I am angry though. I am angry with myself for letting this happen. I am angry that Matthew wasn't more of a priority for more people. Most of all, I'm angry with people that have absolutely no appreciation for the amazing gift they have been given by having a child.

The anger with myself is something that I have to deal with and I know part of the grieving process will allow me to one day be at peace with. I know that it will not be an easy journey and it will be a journey that will take time.

My anger with others in regards to Matthew is an anger that subsides a little bit each day. I know that I did all I could to bring Matthew into the lives other as frequently as possible. Some people were super, duper awesome and visited him as much as they could. As for the others, my anger melts into a bit of, I don't know, sadness for them. I know that so many think tomorrow is promised and owed to us. I know it's easy to put off until tomorrow or next week or next month or next year because in your wildest dreams, you don't think that the worse will happen to someone you know. And I am sure they have regrets. I am sure that they wish they would have done something different. But, again, I can't control or take responsibility for the actions of others.

My anger towards others is the type of anger that scares me. There is a tenant here with a little boy about 10-11 months old. He's as cute as can be, bright blue eyes and shiney blonde hair. His apartment is absolutely DISGUSTING. I mean, I wouldn't step foot in there. Today I saw him walking around with the kid in a diaper in one arm and a cigarette in his mouth. Seriously, how do you do that?? I see pregnant women all the time eating things they shouldn't, doing things they shouldn't and not seeming to care one bit about the life inside of them. I try not to judge, becaue I don't know them or their situation, but it's hard.

I know that I am anal retentive about a lot of things that may seem silly to other. I KNOW it. I know that it probably isn't healthy, but it's who I am and I love me. I'm ok with that. I am SUPER anal retentive when it comes to the health and well being of my children. I steer clear of everything that could cause damage to a baby. They say not to give honey or peanut butter until a child's one. I didn't even eat it while I was pregnant or nursing with Kaitlyn or Matthew. I stayed away from all nitrates, nitrites, caffiene, excessive amounts of sugar and made sure I ate from the whole food pyramid. I took my vitamins like they were life support. For me, being a mommy is super hard work and I try to make it even harder by giving myself this list of rules and regulations that I am not allowed to veer from.

With Matthew, I was even more strict than I was with Kaitlyn. He was my fragile little boy and I wanted the absolute best for him. I HATED pumping. Pumping is the worst feeling in the world and every day I wanted to give it up. But, I didn't. I got up every 2 hours during the night and made sure to pump every 1.5-2 hours during the day. I kept pumping even when Matthew came home. I wanted to be sure that I had an adequete supply and a good freezer stash in case my supply diminished like with Kaitlyn. I was more particular about what I ate and what I drank.

I would never, ever wish harm on a baby; regardless of how inept, unappreciative, naive, or disgusting their parent was. But, it seems awfully unfair and unjust to have him taken from me when I did everything I could to keep him healthy. I gave up so much and I did it with pleasure. I gave up trips to the mall, the store, and birthday parties with Kaitlyn so that I could stay home and keep Matthew safe and healthy in my arms.

Being a mom is hard work. It's tiring work. Being Matthew and Kaitlyn's mom left me exhausted, always hungry and stressed out at times. But, more than anything in the world, it made me happy. Sure it seemed like there weren't enough hours in the day, but there isn't anything I would trade for it.

Steps in Happiness

When we start doing things for others we encounter in our lives, we are rewarded with the clear vision of the greatest riches in life.

One of the hardest things for some to do is release themselves from the stress of anger and hurt. But, when you are free of the anger and hurt, the sky is bluer, the laughs come easier and the smiles are ever present.

There was a point in my life where I would hold onto anger much like I would a happy memory, only not so happy. I would let it store up and fester, allowing it to breed and turn into something much more dramatic than necessary. Not anymore. I learned a while ago that life is so short and so incredibly precious and amazing that there is no reason to punish yourself with the hurt and the anger. There is someone who you can push it onto and who will resolve it from your system. All you have to do is ask Him.

I've never been too fond of organized religion. I suppose in a way, I have never been fond of others outlining what kind of relationship I can have with God. I have always found my relationship with God to be something personal and I have found that with more time that passes, it is something that grows stronger.

Having a relationship with someone you cannot see and cannot feel is not an easy thing. It is a relationship built on faith and trust. Two very hard things to build, especially when those who chose not to have that relationship, for whatever reason, seem to have a desire to tear it down bit by bit. We see it in the media, we see it in the evil of the world, it's everywhere you turn around.

Anyways, I have found that there are some very easy things you can do to have a happy, sunnier life, and I thought I would share them with you :)

* Release yourself of the pain and anger you have. The weight of the world will be lifted off your shoulders and you will feel free.

* Stay out of it. If there is drama around you, stay out of it. There is no benefit to it, it's an endless cycle that isn't worth the energy

* Cherish each and every moment you have, end every day as though it is your last

* Every Day do one nice thing for someone around you expecting nothing in return

* Every Day take 5 minutes for you

* Do not take any moment or any relationship in your life for granted

* Trust in God. Allow Him to carry any burdens for you


Today was a good day. Tomorrow promises to be better since Dusty will get home :) I am incredibly grateful for the Amazing Family and Incredible Friends I am blessed to have in my life.