Teaching Kids About Politics

I am certainly not a fan of shoving your candidate down the throat of anyone, even your children. I am a fan of teaching them why you support a candidate and how to be a good American regardless of what you believe in.

Halloween night my mom, Kaitlyn and I were in the car. We were driving down Jefferson Blvd when I noticed some guy taking the rather large McCain/Palin sign and flipping it over the fence it was hanging from so it was no longer visible.

To say I was livid would be an understatement. I had a lapse of Mommy judgment, rolled down a window, said my peace about Obama and showed off my favorite fingernail :P while screaming "You can't do that!"

I don't care WHO your candidate is. It is WRONG to take the voice from others. I've heard dozens of stories of people I know recently who have had their houses, cars, property vandalized only because of the politician they supported in this election, and it's happened on both sides.

On the way back down Jefferson Blvd., on Halloween Night, in the rain I got out of the car and flipped that heavy sign back over.

Had I of seen someone flipping an Obama sign I would have been equally as mad, although I doubt I would have taken the steps to correct it as I did with the McCain sign...

Anywho, Kaitlyn then asked why I don't like Obama and why I don't want him to be president.

The easiest of reasons to describe are redistribution and abortions. This night, I choose redistribution, something that we've been talking about since.

I described to her that after she is all done going door to door collecting candy, Obama for president would want to take all of her candy and divide it evenly with those who didn't go trick or treating. Kaitlyn didn't like that.

So, I've asked her very simply, if there was a little girl or boy who was so sick they couldn't go trick or treating, would you share your candy. "Of Course!" was the answer excitedly exclaimed. I asked her if it would be fair of me to tell her that she had to give her candy to them she said no, but when asked if she would make the decision to give her candy to those without and in need, she would in a heart beat.

I've learned that people are good at heart. They will do what needs to be done a whole lot better if done on their own rather than by force.

I've also learned that sometimes, if you put a slight twist or change on a thought, you can get a whole new perspective you may not have thought of.

I have respect and pride for all those that educate themselves on the issue and vote, regardless of what side of the aisle you're on, even if it means we cancel each other's vote out ;)

Since 1777, men and women have laid their lives on the line and fought for our freedom to cast our vote and let our opinions and our voices be heard. Is it really asking too much to read up on some issues and cast our votes?

Dusty and I excitedly filled out our Absentee ballots last week. There were a few debates on props, which brought new opinions, new thoughts and new points of views to the table, and there might be a "Denise Miller" write in for assemblymen because I didn't support either candidate and figured that "Denise Miller" gal would be the best gal for the job, but our votes have been cast.

And tomorrow, I will show my nearly 4 year old what her patriotic duty is all about, we will drop our votes, our voice, our thoughts and our opinion in the box to be counted.

Will you do the same?

Anger

I've been told over and over that it's completely natural to be angry with God during this time.

Truth be told, I'm not angry with God. I am angry though. I am angry with myself for letting this happen. I am angry that Matthew wasn't more of a priority for more people. Most of all, I'm angry with people that have absolutely no appreciation for the amazing gift they have been given by having a child.

The anger with myself is something that I have to deal with and I know part of the grieving process will allow me to one day be at peace with. I know that it will not be an easy journey and it will be a journey that will take time.

My anger with others in regards to Matthew is an anger that subsides a little bit each day. I know that I did all I could to bring Matthew into the lives other as frequently as possible. Some people were super, duper awesome and visited him as much as they could. As for the others, my anger melts into a bit of, I don't know, sadness for them. I know that so many think tomorrow is promised and owed to us. I know it's easy to put off until tomorrow or next week or next month or next year because in your wildest dreams, you don't think that the worse will happen to someone you know. And I am sure they have regrets. I am sure that they wish they would have done something different. But, again, I can't control or take responsibility for the actions of others.

My anger towards others is the type of anger that scares me. There is a tenant here with a little boy about 10-11 months old. He's as cute as can be, bright blue eyes and shiney blonde hair. His apartment is absolutely DISGUSTING. I mean, I wouldn't step foot in there. Today I saw him walking around with the kid in a diaper in one arm and a cigarette in his mouth. Seriously, how do you do that?? I see pregnant women all the time eating things they shouldn't, doing things they shouldn't and not seeming to care one bit about the life inside of them. I try not to judge, becaue I don't know them or their situation, but it's hard.

I know that I am anal retentive about a lot of things that may seem silly to other. I KNOW it. I know that it probably isn't healthy, but it's who I am and I love me. I'm ok with that. I am SUPER anal retentive when it comes to the health and well being of my children. I steer clear of everything that could cause damage to a baby. They say not to give honey or peanut butter until a child's one. I didn't even eat it while I was pregnant or nursing with Kaitlyn or Matthew. I stayed away from all nitrates, nitrites, caffiene, excessive amounts of sugar and made sure I ate from the whole food pyramid. I took my vitamins like they were life support. For me, being a mommy is super hard work and I try to make it even harder by giving myself this list of rules and regulations that I am not allowed to veer from.

With Matthew, I was even more strict than I was with Kaitlyn. He was my fragile little boy and I wanted the absolute best for him. I HATED pumping. Pumping is the worst feeling in the world and every day I wanted to give it up. But, I didn't. I got up every 2 hours during the night and made sure to pump every 1.5-2 hours during the day. I kept pumping even when Matthew came home. I wanted to be sure that I had an adequete supply and a good freezer stash in case my supply diminished like with Kaitlyn. I was more particular about what I ate and what I drank.

I would never, ever wish harm on a baby; regardless of how inept, unappreciative, naive, or disgusting their parent was. But, it seems awfully unfair and unjust to have him taken from me when I did everything I could to keep him healthy. I gave up so much and I did it with pleasure. I gave up trips to the mall, the store, and birthday parties with Kaitlyn so that I could stay home and keep Matthew safe and healthy in my arms.

Being a mom is hard work. It's tiring work. Being Matthew and Kaitlyn's mom left me exhausted, always hungry and stressed out at times. But, more than anything in the world, it made me happy. Sure it seemed like there weren't enough hours in the day, but there isn't anything I would trade for it.

Steps in Happiness

When we start doing things for others we encounter in our lives, we are rewarded with the clear vision of the greatest riches in life.

One of the hardest things for some to do is release themselves from the stress of anger and hurt. But, when you are free of the anger and hurt, the sky is bluer, the laughs come easier and the smiles are ever present.

There was a point in my life where I would hold onto anger much like I would a happy memory, only not so happy. I would let it store up and fester, allowing it to breed and turn into something much more dramatic than necessary. Not anymore. I learned a while ago that life is so short and so incredibly precious and amazing that there is no reason to punish yourself with the hurt and the anger. There is someone who you can push it onto and who will resolve it from your system. All you have to do is ask Him.

I've never been too fond of organized religion. I suppose in a way, I have never been fond of others outlining what kind of relationship I can have with God. I have always found my relationship with God to be something personal and I have found that with more time that passes, it is something that grows stronger.

Having a relationship with someone you cannot see and cannot feel is not an easy thing. It is a relationship built on faith and trust. Two very hard things to build, especially when those who chose not to have that relationship, for whatever reason, seem to have a desire to tear it down bit by bit. We see it in the media, we see it in the evil of the world, it's everywhere you turn around.

Anyways, I have found that there are some very easy things you can do to have a happy, sunnier life, and I thought I would share them with you :)

* Release yourself of the pain and anger you have. The weight of the world will be lifted off your shoulders and you will feel free.

* Stay out of it. If there is drama around you, stay out of it. There is no benefit to it, it's an endless cycle that isn't worth the energy

* Cherish each and every moment you have, end every day as though it is your last

* Every Day do one nice thing for someone around you expecting nothing in return

* Every Day take 5 minutes for you

* Do not take any moment or any relationship in your life for granted

* Trust in God. Allow Him to carry any burdens for you


Today was a good day. Tomorrow promises to be better since Dusty will get home :) I am incredibly grateful for the Amazing Family and Incredible Friends I am blessed to have in my life.

Last Day to register!!

Don't forget to register.

I rarely get political here. I don't want to alienate any friends, and I don't like to talk politics among friends. I tend to get a bit passionate :P

This year I will be casting my vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Not necessarily because they are my ideal candidates. John McCain is pretty liberal for my general liking, but at least he and I share some ideologies.

I know this is unpopular to say, I know to many the following statement can only be made by someone who is ignorant, uneducated, racist, filled with fear and only wants America to go backwards. But, I'm going to say it anyways. I have absolutely no desire to have Obama as our president.

At the end of the day, I would love a woman as president, a person of Black, Asian, Mexican, Spanish, and on and on and on, decent, but I am not going to vote for someone just because they are different on the outside.

I am completely and totally against redistribution of wealth in America. I am against taking money from someone who has worked hard for it and giving it to someone who does not have as much money just to make everything equal. That is not opportunity, that is not the American Dream, that is a socialist ideology.

The American Dream is to be able to work hard in life, earn money and keep it. It is not to work hard, earn money and then give it to be forced to give it to someone else by the government.

Why in the world do we need SO much government interference?

Abortion. I can see the need for abortion. I can. It is not a choice I would or could ever make for myself, but for some it is a necessity to save the mother's life. In this society, abortion has become much more of a tool of birth control than a tool of saving a life.

I know that it is not realistic to overturn Roe V. Wade. But there is a need for reform. In cases of abortions to just prevent a birth, the woman should be more encouraged to consider adoption, the woman should have an ultrasound at least once prior to the procedure, the woman should be given a psychiatric evaluation prior to the abortion and then receive emotional help and support following the abortion.

I could never in good conscience vote for a man who would not want his child to be burdened with a baby because of a CHOICE she made. That is one of the most selfish things I have ever heard.

I could never in good conscience vote for a man who voted AGAINST The Born Alive Infant Protection Act. This is an act that allowed for medical treatment and intervention for those babies that survived a partial birth abortion. He voted against giving those babies pain medication, oxygen, treatment to have a chance and an opportunity at life. Instead, they are to be disposed of as though they are an unwanted tumor or growth.

I could never in good conscience vote for a man who is in favor of partial birth abortion. Babies are born every day at 24 weeks - 28 weeks and surviving. We saw them in the NICU fighting for their lives. How can anyone support killing a baby that can live on the outside just because their labor didn't start naturally?

I am not going to say Obama is a terrorist, but he shows some terrible judgment time and time again.

Let's start with Rev Wright. Rev Wright is a man who believes:

"Sen. Barack Obama's pastor says blacks should not sing "God Bless America" but "God damn America."

"The government lied about inventing the HIV virus as a means of genocide against people of color. The government lied."

And as also ran a church that believes in strengthening Black America, not America as a whole.

Then there is Bill Ayers, ACORN, his wife who is finally proud to be an American, Bernardine Dohrn and so many more.

I could completely dismiss just one affiliation as poor judgment, but consistent poor judgment is not something I want in a president.

I would point out his voting record, but it's lacking a lot of substance. Obama can't ever sit still and do is job, as soon as he obtains a political position, he starts campaigning for the next. He hasn't done his job for those that voted him into Senate. He has not represented them. He has not voted for them. He does not care enough.

I honestly believe Obama is too selfish to be a good president.

Even if Obama wins, I know that at the end of his socialist-like term, people will be eager for a much more conservative president.

Sacramento Parent's magazine

In 1988 Congress decided that October would be Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. October 15 specifically is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Sacramento Parent Magazine (http://www.sacramentoparent.com/community.htm) is a local magazine that focuses on a lot of parent issues on a local level.

A month or so ago one of the writers contacted us regarding their October Issue. The magazine wanted to tackle some of the tougher parts of pregnancy and infant loss, some of the issues that are not often dealt with. They asked if we would assist them with an interview. We did.

Life After Loss
Coping with the death of a child

by Heidi Doerfert

Every parent has two nightmares – one is the fear that something will happen to you and you won't be there for your child; the other is that something terrible will happen to your child. Sadly, that other nightmare comes true for approximately 2,500 parents in the United States every year, parents who lose their babies to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Denise Miller, a 26-year-old mother from West Sacramento, is one of those parents.

Denise's daughter, Kaitlyn, has sunny blond hair and bright blue eyes. She is just shy of her fourth birthday when we meet. I watch Kaitlyn pluck a flower from a nearby bush and skip over to her mommy. Denise smiles as her daughter hands it to her. Denise's pregnancy with Kaitlyn was fairly easy, she says, aside from some morning sickness in her first trimester. With Matthew, it seemed things would go even more smoothly; she felt fine, even energetic. Then, at six months, her water broke.

She was diagnosed with preterm premature rupture of membranes, or pPROM. In most pPROM cases, women deliver in the first 72 hours to 12 days, but Denise was hospitalized for over nine weeks, only allowed to lie on her left side. She went into labor at 33 weeks, and her baby boy, who was breech, was delivered via C-section.

Matthew had typical preemie issues, including lung problems. After a month in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), Matthew finally came home. Denise, her husband, Dusty, and big sister, Kaitlyn, were all ecstatic. Denise says Matthew nursed frequently, was gaining weight and doing well. "Being a preemie, he wanted to be held a lot," Denise remembers, something his parents were "more than happy" to do. Still, they were very careful not to expose him to germs. They avoided enclosed public places and even limited preschooler Kaitlyn to toe kisses.

On October 15, 2007, 10 week-old Matthew didn't wake up for his 2:30 a.m. feeding. Dusty tried to resuscitate him until the EMTs took over. Denise knew the situation was dire when they wouldn't let her ride in the ambulance. She followed in the sheriff's car while Dusty stayed behind to wait for Kaitlyn's grandparents to come over. The circumstances left Denise alone when she received the news of Matthew's death.

Despite their trauma, the Millers agreed to an optional SIDS research study. Just hours after Matthew's death, hospital staff came to their house and re-created how the baby slept. They took photos and even took samples of Denise's breast milk. "I was basically incoherent at this point," Denise recalls. "We were just going through the motions."

Denise and Dusty couldn't bear to go home after the loss. "We still had unopened baby gifts… It was just too much," says Denise. They stayed at her parents' house for two weeks. No further answers came from the researchers' efforts, leaving the Millers to puzzle over the SIDS diagnosis.

No Real ExplanationSIDS is the nation's leading cause of death for babies between 1 and 12 months old, with ninety percent of those cases occurring before 6 months, yet it remains somewhat of a medical mystery. Research (published in the November 2006 edition of the Journal of the American Medical Association) has indicated that infants who die of SIDS may have abnormalities in a part of the brain that helps control heart rate, breathing, blood pressure, temperature, and arousal. Dr. Hannah Kinney, the study's senior author, believes that with further investigation, healthcare providers may one day be able to identify, prevent, and maybe even treat SIDS. Still, for families like the Millers, these findings offer little (if any) comfort, and a year after baby Matthew's death, the family still struggles with the fact that they have no real explanation for why their baby died. "We did everything right," says Denise. "And we still lost our son."

According to FirstCandle.org, an online support community for parents who have lost children to SIDS or stillbirth, it is very important that all those touched by a SIDS death understand that SIDS has no specific symptoms, that it occurs in the best of families and to the most capable, careful and loving parents.

Close to a year later, the raw emotion of her loss is still evident when Denise talks about it, yet her main concern now is Kaitlyn and how she is handling her own grieving process. "We didn't tell Kaitlyn her brother died for four days," says Denise with tears in her eyes. "Forever is a hard concept for a three-year-old."

Helping Kids CopeLyla Tyler, a Sacramento Marriage and Family Therapist, says children may experience the same five stages of grief that adults do (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), although not necessarily in the same order. "Young children don't understand the finality of death," explains Tyler. "They will have a really hard time with that concept. They may ask when their sibling will come back from heaven and those types of questions." Tyler encourages parents to use the term "die" and not vague terms like "gone away."

Some kids will even be scared that they, too, might die like their sibling; these children need reassurance. In a SIDS case, an appropriate explanation could be, "the baby died of something called SIDS. We don't know why it happens but it only happens to some babies."

Young children may also think they did something to cause the baby's death. It's typical for an older sibling to be jealous of a baby sister or brother, and if they wished for the baby to "go away" and then it actually happened, they could feel responsible. In this case, parents may see regression – potty accidents, acting like a baby, etc. The child may also want to become a baby again to replace the lost child for their parents.

Some children handle grief by escaping into play and pretending the baby is still alive. Others may keep it inside and not show a lot of emotion. There also may be aggression and acting out. Tyler says all of these behaviors are normal. "What you look for is if the child is moving on or if they are stuck. After six months to a year, have they gotten back to their normal play? Have the grief behaviors lessened in frequency and intensity?"

Denise says Kaitlyn used to be very outgoing and loved visiting family, but since the death of her baby brother, she has developed separation anxiety. Tyler says this is a normal response, but if it continues for several months, Mom and Dad must take a look at their own behavior. Parents who have lost one child may become very anxious and fearful of losing another child. With the Millers, Tyler would suggest that Kaitlyn go to Grandma's for a very short amount of time at first, gradually extending the length of her visits.

If parents are stuck in their own grief, a child will definitely pick up on that, Tyler notes. "Preschoolers depend upon their parents to regulate them and their mood. If they have a parent who is very depressed and having a hard time, it will be more difficult for the child." Depression in a young child will manifest itself in withdrawal, loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, and poor concentration. Tyler says art therapy, drawing pictures of what makes them sad, is very helpful. She also encourages parents to talk about the sibling, read to them from books about death that are written for young children, and help their child make a memory book about their brother or sister.

Social support groups also provide comfort and help to both parents and children. Denise believes talking about Matthew and keeping his memory alive is essential to her healing process. She found solace through online SIDS and pPROM support groups, and the family visits Matthew's grave on a weekly basis. Tyler notes that this can be a comforting exercise for some children, but stressful for others. She encourages parents to pay attention to their child's behavior at the cemetery. If they seem uncomfortable, it shouldn't be forced upon them. Our society is often uncomfortable talking about death. Family and friends may fear saying the wrong thing or be just as afraid of saying nothing. Tyler offers these tips for being a good listener: Don't make guesses as to why the child may have died or say things like, "Well, you can have more children" or, "I guess it wasn't meant to be." Instead, simply allow those who are grieving to talk about their loss as much as they need to, and offer specific support, such as bringing dinner over on a Friday night or helping fold laundry on Tuesday morning. As Denise notes, the pain lasts way beyond the week or two that everyone is gathered around after the funeral. "It doesn't get any easier with time," she says. "You just learn how to handle it better."

[SIDEBAR:]

Sharing Parents' Annual Remembrance Ceremony:

"Heart Within My Heart"Sunday, October 123pm - 5pmMcKinley Park Rose GardenSacramento (corner of H St & 33rd St)

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Parents who have lost an infant (from the time of conception through early infancy) are encouraged to honor their children in a candle lighting ceremony, and to meet with other parents and Sharing Parents volunteers afterward. For more information, call 916-424-5150, email sharingparents@yahoo.com, or visit www.sharingparents.org.

The Gift of a Vision

The other night, I walked into Kaitlyn's room and saw that she had fallen asleep on the floor. I was immediately saddened. Without thinking to or trying to, I could perfectly imagine Matthew there cuddling with her, asleep next to her. Not the 10 week old baby that we miss, but the 13 month old toddler we never got to meet. I could perfectly see every part of him. I could see them together, growing up together sharing all of their love.

I can see how much Kaitlyn loves Matthew each and every day. She loves him so much. She talks to him all the time. The other day she was talking to him and finished by saying/yelling (he can hear better in Heaven if she yells) "Okay Matthew, I'm going to Hang Up now, I love you, bye."

Kaitlyn continues to be a great big sister to him. She continues to love him and to share him with everyone she meets. She continues to do nice things to show him how much she loves him, she continues to talk to him and keep him a part of our family. My heart breaks for all of the wonderful joys that a big sister should get to enjoy for being so great. My heart breaks for the sadness she feels and does not yet understand.

I never really worried about dividing my time between Kaitlyn and Matthew. I knew from day 1 of my pregnancy that I loved them both with all that I have to give. When Matthew was here, it was fairly easy to give them both a lot of one on one time and a lot of family time. Kaitlyn loved having Matthew be a part of story time and Matthew was with us for every part of the day. I never felt torn.

Now that Matthew isn't physically here, I feel much more torn. There is the constant feeling of both sadness and joy, the feelings of pain and happiness, both the feelings of fear and pride. The constant thought that I wish there was 2 of me, 1 with Matthew and 1 with Kaitlyn. But, that can't be.

The best way to describe how I feel lately is to think of it as a storm. There is this big heavy cloud of sadness and once in a while, it will drift to the side, still there but allowing some sunlight in as well. Without any warning it can and does shift back directly over you. There are times when I feel at peace with Matthew's life and blessed that we had him as long as we did and that he is now with God. Then, there are times when he is missed so much it is physically painful.

Sometimes, out of nowhere it seems, I get the perfect vision of what Matthew would look like today. I like to think it's a gift, it's a gift to ease the pain until we are together again.

A year ago Today

09/01/08

A year ago today was such a happy day. Dusty and I got ready with Kaitlyn and headed to the NICU for the last time. We had the car seat base installed, a bag packed another bag for all of the things Matthew had at the NICU and the excitement that he would be home with us!

To say we were all excited to bring Matthew home to his own nursery and his own bed and our family is an understatement. It felt like it took forever to get there and was so exciting.

Dusty and I took a sleeping Kaitlyn into the required CPR class, practicing over and over with the thoughts that we would never need it. We were on the path now to a long, healthy and happy life with both of our children.

We had our papers signed off that the class was completed. We signed all of Matthew's discharge papers. We were given so much information, so many lists and so much hope from one of Matthew's greatest nurses. Daddy and Kaitlyn went to pull the car around and get the AC on. Matthew's car seat was installed. The nurse walked down with Matthew and I walked down with her.

Matthew came home at an actual age of 27 days and an adjusted age of about 37 weeks gestation. He came home nearly 3 weeks earlier than anyone thought he would. Matthew came home and ate and slept and made the absolute cutest noises in the entire world. The feeling of being able to hold him, cuddle him, kiss him, feed him, change him and be near him whenever he wanted and we wanted was amazing.

We learned Matthew hated his car seat and loved to cuddle. We learned how much Matthew loved to eat. We learned how strong the sibling bond was between Kaitlyn and Matthew. Our home grew, our hearts grew and our lives were finally regaining some normalcy.

We miss you Matthew.