Lack of Sleep

Samantha started out a terrible sleeper and transformed into a "fantastic most of the time" sleeper when we moved her into her crib a few months ago.

This has changed.  I'm not sure why, but it has.

It all started last Friday night.  My sister and I had this bright idea to do a craft show on Saturday morning, and I figured since it was so super close to my house, I could let Samantha sleep like she normally did until 7-8 then Daddy could bring her over to me.

Samantha went to sleep around 9:30 Friday night and I stayed up until 1 working on last minute prep.  I crawled into bed, closed my eyes and the crying started.  It was 2:30 AM and I thought maybe if I just let her lay with us, she'll go back to sleep.  She didn't.  She didn't go back to sleep until 8:00 AM.

That Saturday was a really long day.  Saturday night, she went to sleep around 10 and did awesome through the night.  Of course, Kaitlyn woke up at 5, eager for breakfast and playing and demanded I get up as well.  Sunday came and went and Samantha went to sleep at 10:30 or so.  Monday through Friday should have been great sleeping in days since Kaitlyn was out of school.  They were anything but.

Sunday night, bed at 10:30, awake at 2:30 until 7, Kaitlyn up by 8.
Monday night, bed at 11:00, awake at 2:30 until 6:30, Kaitlyn up by 10.
Tuesday night, bed at 11:00, awake at 2;30 until 8, Kaitlyn up at 7.
Wednesday night, bed at 11:30, awake at 2:30 until 7, Kaitlyn up at 7.
Thursday night, bed at 1:30 AM!!!!!  awake at 4:30 until 9, Kaitlyn up at 8
Friday night, bed at 11:30, awake at 2:30 until about 8, Kaitlyn up at 10
Saturday night, bed at 12:00 AM, awake at 2:30, until 8:30, Kaitlyn up at 10.
Sunday night, bed at 12:00 AM and thankfully slept until 7.

At about 8 PM, I start rocking her, singing to her and easing her into the world of sleep.  She fights it so hard.  She used to just lull to sleep.

I think I've reached the point where we have to give up rocking to sleep and make her learn to sleep on her own.  :(  I'm not looking forward to it, she is one stubborn kid!

Kaitlyn is 7

* My goal is to start having 5 new blogs a week, lets see if I can do it and not always feel so behind :) *

9 days ago, our itty bitty baby girl who took us by surprise when I took my first ever pregnancy test and read that exciting "pregnant" on it, who blessed us with an easy pregnancy even after our car accident with the drunk driver, who took her time getting here 3 days late, who encouraged us to up our wedding date drastically so we could be married before her arrival, who was such an easy baby that I was ready for another within the first 4 months and who made us parents turned 7.

I don't feel old enough to have a 7 year old.  I don't feel old enough to have a husband, much less one that turns 31 tomorrow.  I don't feel old enough to have accomplished the things that we have, and I sure as heck don't feel nearly 30 years old.  I feel 12.  Sometimes 16.  Sometimes 80.  Isn't that weird how our mind does that?  It tries to coincide how we feel with what the calendar tells us we should?

But, I digress.

Kaitlyn, our big girl version of Samantha in so many ways, has so much personality.  She's outgoing, energetic, empathetic to nearly a fault, eager to please and has enough sass some days where it's enough to institute a 6 PM bedtime and deeply fear puberty only to be a perfect angel the next day.  She's developed her mama's ability to think faster than her lips can move and talks a mile a minute for hours on end.  She'll start a conversation about the most off the wall things and the oddest of times.  Her idea of quiet time is taking a breath in-between sentences.

Kaitlyn has lost all of her front baby teeth, a total of 8 this year with most of the adult teeth nearly half way here when she lost the baby one.  I suppose she was determined to either skip the awkward stage or make it as short as possible.  She looks so much older than she did last year.  She doesn't look little girl in the slightest and has grown so tall.  She's become more interested in her looks and being cute for school or places her friends might be.  She's over grocery shopping and running errands if she can stay home and watch TV or play outside.

We spent her birthday how she wanted.  We had bacon and eggs for breakfast, over medium because she is much too grown for scrambled she tells us, we went to Chuck E. Cheese for lunch, had her parent teacher conference and followed it up with girl scouts (where she was overly-tired and overly toddler like as a result) and some rest time after before our families got together to celebrate her birthday with spaghetti tacos in her honor.

Kaitlyn's teacher is amazing.  She spent her primary education in the GATE program and being at the head of her class and she recognizes the things she hated about it and vows not to repeat those mistakes with her bright students.  She thinks Kaitlyn is exceptionally bright and said that while it's apparent she's amazing in reading and her English skills, it's easy to overlook how advanced she is in math.  She said that she is often the first one done and since she refuses to force her to be teacher's pet and always help around the classroom, she gives her the option of curling up with a good book, helping others or helping her.  Kaitlyn chooses a mix of each on a regular basis.  She was thankful we switched her to this school and complimented Kaitlyn on the work she has done with another student.

Kevin is Kaitlyn's best friend at this school.  Kevin is Asian and Kaitlyn talks about him all the time.  Often times she gets upset because while they are great friends and Kevin is always making things for her to bring home, he is not her boyfriend and hates when the other kids tease them as such.  2 kids were reprimanded a couple weeks ago for trying to get them to kiss by pushing them together.  Kaitlyn did not tolerate that behavior and scolded them for being inappropriate she said.  Her teacher says it's just a really good relationship, a strong friendship that has really helped Kevin this year.

While I knew that Kevin was her good friend and she had fun playing with him, what I did not know was that Kevin speaks limited English and was painfully shy to the point where he was without friends and was struggling in school.  Kaitlyn has been helping him with math, reading and teaching him English.  She's helped him make friends and according to her teacher he's thriving on a level he wasn't before.

I think that made us the proudest of all, more proud than of her perfect report card or near perfect behavior.  Her teacher did say she got onto her twice for chit chatting, and both times the look of disappointment on Kaitlyn's face and how upset she got nearly drove Mrs. to tears and she vowed not to do it again.

Our princess is 7.  In 9 years she'll be driving.  In 11 she'll be headed off to college.  Where's the button to make time slow down?

Can you even believe it?!?!?!?!

Our little miracle is no longer an itty bitty baby girl!

She's an official member of the 1 year old club!  She is toddling around like a pro and so stinkin' cute that it's so hard to tell her no!

Somehow, I blinked one day, and all of this happened.  Maybe, I need to blink less often.

Samantha turned a year old last Wednesday.  She is up to 20 lbs and 11 oz, which is in the 50% time and nearly triple what her birth weight was!  She is also up to 30.5 inches tall, which is in the 90%.  She's like mama though, where it's more of a long torso than long legs.  Kaitlyn is the same way.  Her head is 46.6 cm which is also 90% and I believe every bit of it!

Her hair is getting so much thicker and a tad bit darker.  I think she'll have a light honey brown hair, much less blonde than Kaitlyn is.  She's completely off of bottles (yay!) and we're working on moving from sippy cups to straws and cups with straws.  It's going ok so far, but we do fall back on sippy cups a lot.  Especially at night.  She's on half formula and half milk and obviously thriving.

Samantha is definitely a carnivore.  Where Kaitlyn has always preferred vegetables over everything else, Samantha will throw everything on the floor if she sees some chicken somewhere.  She can demolish a whole chicken breast on her own and still look for more.  She's eating 3 meals a day and a few snacks with her formula or milk in between those.

And she's talking!  She repeats a lot of what you tell her.  Her favorite words are still "dada" and "What's that?" while pointing.  Especially at food.

Samantha is also walking! WooHoo!  Everywhere.  She is determined to run and has a few scratches on her face to prove it.  But, she is a toe walker, not that she walks on her toes, but more that she grips with her toes and refuses to walk with shoes on.  So, we need to work on that.  She wants to go as fast as the dogs and her sister.  I keep trying to tell her she will soon enough, but she must not believe me.

She's also a great sleeper.  We get 2 naps a day, the first is usually about 2 hours and the second is about 45 minutes.  You can tell when she is tired because she gets really mad and moody.  She usually sleeps 10-12 hours a night and wakes up so happy.

Her and Kaitlyn had a great Halloween!  Samantha went to a few doors, but was really impatient waiting for people to open them.  She had absolutely no patience for any of that lol.  Kaitlyn only likes to do a couple of blocks.  She prefers to pass out candy, so we were out for maybe an hour before they were done.

This past Saturday, we had their birthday party and I think everyone had a great time!

A year has gone by.  An entire year, and it feels like just yesterday we were waiting and waiting and waiting for that darned OR to open up so that she can be delivered.  Isn't it amazing how a year can feel like a blink of an eye, but 4 years can feel like a lifetime?

Angel Days and Rainbow Babies

I remember reading a book covering the topics of loss and grief not too long after Matthew died.  One of the topics in the book that scared me was that the second year after a loss is so much harder than the first.  The first you are still experiencing shock and denial and in the second here, you hit reality.  You realize that the person you lost isn't returning and that they did exist and the pain of forever slaps you in the face.  I completely believe that.  I do believe that the second year is like a punch in the throat.

I also believe that there is a part about having a "rainbow" baby that no one tells you about.  No one tells you that it is so similar to that second year.

There is obviously so much joy and happiness with each and every baby you have.  And there is so much hope and promise.  And with a rainbow baby, I think you have a different kind of appreciation.  You know how easily it can sleep away and that turns you into a different parent than you were before.  There is so much gratitude and for me at least, even more patience.

But, there is also a different kind of reminder.  With everything new Samantha does, I'm reminded in a different way of what we didn't have with Matthew.  We didn't get to see that first grin, hear those first little giggles, listen to him click and clack his tongue, watch him explore a lemon wedge, encourage him to take his first steps or chase after him as he laughs, crawling at the fastest pace he has down the hallway.

It's not like I didn't realize I missed those things, but you tend to focus on the big aspects.  The first day of school, the first birthday, the first haircut.  You know, all the milestones and not so much the little things that make up so much of their personality and so much of their daily lives.

I think those realizations made Matthew's Angel Day harder this year than maybe it was before.  And maybe part of it was that daily fear that something is going to happen to Kaitlyn or Samantha.  And knowing that obviously October 15 is a bad day for our household, it didn't make me rest easy.

This year for Matthew's angel day, we took our time getting ready.  We had a big breakfast.  We got dressed and we went to the cemetery with the items the girls and I had purchased the day before.  Kaitlyn had drawn him a picture and wanted to read him a book like she does for Samantha every night.  She was worried about leaving the picture there though because she hates how the cemetery throws things away on a whim when they want to cut the grass.  We noticed some bald patches in the grass and made plans to fertilize it.  We talked to him.  Kaitlyn read to him and Samantha crawled towards his grave marker.

We celebrated him.  We honored his life.  We missed him.

The Anniversary No One Wants

Tomorrow is our "Anniversary No One Wants."  Tomorrow it will be 4 years since Matthew left our home to never return.

4 years since the frantic 911 call.

4 years since Dusty performed CPR.

4 years since that terrible ride to the ER.

4 years waiting for Dusty to get there.

4 years since the EMT told me there was nothing more they could do.

4 years since she took me into the ER and I saw the team frantically working on him.

4 years since I had to ask to hold him.

4 years since I begged them to at least remove the needle from him leg to cuddle him.

4 years since we sat with his body until the coroner arrived.

4 years since we left the hospital empty handed, again, only to not return for him.

4 years since we had to go home and reenact how we found him with a fake doll provided by the coronor.

4 years since we started waiting for answers.

4 years since we started wondering why.

4 years since our new life began, the life without him.

Tomorrow is Matthew's angel day.  The anniversary of his death.  If I could make the day disappear from the calendar I would in a heartbeat.  Tomorrow is also the "wave of light" and Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness day.  At 7:00 PM people are encouraged to light a candle for the little ones lost far too soon to begin a wave of light around the world for these missed princes and princesses.

When you have a baby, you never stop and think "what will I do if he dies?"  In the excitement of planning nurseries and birthday parties and cake smashing, you don't stop to think about how you would honor his life on the anniversary of the day he died.  You don't think about what the plan will be for his angelversarry.

Tomorrow, we will go to the cemetery.  We will decorate for fall.  We will tell him the 4 things we know he already knows.  We love him to the moon and back.  We miss him so much our hearts hurt.  We wish that he was here to play and learn and grow with us.  And we look forward to being reunited.

A lifetime can last as little has 70 days and leave an impact that touches the world for eternity.

11 months

This little girl is on the go and moving quickly towards her first birthday.  I cannot believe that this is the same little girl that was just in my belly a year ago punching, prodding, kicking and poking, getting nice and comfy in there.

She has grown so much in the last month.  She's up to:

20 lbs and 6 oz, which puts her at 51%

29.25 inches (or so?) which puts her at 73%

19" around the noggin, which puts her at  99.6%

She has really thinned out.  She still has chunky little thighs, but overall, she just looks thinner.  I'm sure it's part "I refuse to drink as much formula" and "If I'm awake, I'm on the go"

There are times when I cannot tell who is a bigger ham, Kaitlyn or Samantha.  Samantha is really big on mimicking you right now.  She loves to make faces and have faces made at her.  She loves playing peek a boo and with any of her toys that make noise.  She is cruising along like a pro now and on a couple of occasions has taken a step or two without holding onto anything.  Considering that she hasn't mastered standing and balancing yet, it might be a little while before she's walking.  

We've been battling an awful yeast diaper rash all month.  We even tried taking her off of all dairy to help, but it didn't really help anything.  So, we put her back on regular formula from the soy.  She hated soy.  Hated it.  Refused it.  She is loving food though.  She eats 3 meals a day and a couple of snacks.  An average breakfast for her is half a waffle and half a banana (she hates eggs for some reason and gags whenever they touch her tongue), lunch is usually some kind of meat, like chicken and veggies, dinner is whatever we're having.  She is down to about 15-18 oz of formula a day and sometime this month we'll start transitioning over to milk.  

Samantha's tongue has healed nicely and she uses it ALL the time.  She's constantly twisting it, turning it, pulling on it, sticking it out and being thrilled with it.  She obviously understands a few words like No, which doesn't mean she always follows instructions, but she knows what it means.  She says a couple of words.  She repeats No back to us and she says Dada.  She says mama, but not to me, mostly when she is tired and hasn't been to sleep yet.  With Dada though, she knows what she is saying.  She is an absolute Daddy's girl and gets so excited when he comes into view.

We're getting close to the girls' joint birthday party and I cannot wait!  Just one more month and she won't be our little baby anymore.

In a week

We will mark 4 years since Matthew left us.  4 years.

I notice that sometimes I fall into the same patterns I remember having right after his death.  A lot of days after feel like a blur.  I have minimal recollection of a lot of things while so many memories are so there and so forward in my brain that I feel like even if I took a scrubber to my brain, they will always be there.

While during the long hospital stay and our NICU stay the internet and message boards provided such a sense of support,  I wanted absolutely nothing to do with the internet after Matthew passed.  I didn't want to stumble across the wrong story, I didn't want to be asked how I was doing, I didn't want to feel pitied.  But, I used the computer a lot.  I played a lot of solitaire.  It was a distraction.  It forced my brain to not think about what we were experiencing.  It took my mind of the incredible pain of engorgement, or the fact that I didn't have any baby diapers to change, any bottoms to pat asleep and if people were around, it offered my an opportunity to be in control.

When my mind wasn't occupied, the tears would not stop.  How could they?  Our baby was gone and there was absolutely nothing we could do about it.  A part of our life had ended and time had stopped for him and in a way for us.  Yet, for the rest of the world, life still went on.  People still had to go to work, had to eat, had to clean bathrooms and so did we.  Sometimes I think this is why I still like to stay so busy.

It's funny what the mind remembers.  I remember it being a long time before I could be by myself for even a moment.  I hated being by myself so much that I would have Dusty sit in the bathroom with me when I took a shower.  I'm not exactly sure why I was so afraid of being by myself.  While I can remember hat so clearly, I couldn't tell you how we got through Christmas.  Sometimes I still don't know how we get through Christmas.

4 years ago, we were a happy and hopeful family of 4.  Our biggest concerns were getting through the winter without Matthew being hospitalized with an infection and getting Kaitlyn to and from Speech therapy.  We had no idea what the future held for us.