Twice a Year

We do something in honor of Matthew's life. Something that includes our family and friends. Something that we involve others in. We get to think about, talk about, and include Matthew in our lives on a daily basis, visit/tend to the cemetery on a weekly basis, and we don't really expect the same out of anyone else. That would seriously be asking a lot.

But, twice a year we would like the support, companionship and togetherness of family and friends to celebrate and honor and remember Matthew.

The first event is April of every year. March for Babies is a yearly event that truly means a lot to me. It is a day where we can honor him and try to prevent the loss of any other babies. I guess I'm of the mentality of not wanting any other family to ever again endure what we did and do. And while I know that is not completely realistic, I do believe that every dollar we raise and every step that we talk is going towards that direction. March for Babies isn't something that is hard. It isn't something that costs money, it isn't something that requires a whole lot of effort. Yes, we order shirts, but typically for those that cannot afford theirs, we always take care of it. All you have to do is go to a website and sign up, walk a little bit for an amazing cause and then have a free lunch. It's at most, 4 hours of your time, once a year.

The second event is the balloon release for his birthday. It's similar to a birthday party honoring the birth of one of our children. But, there are no presents, no singing Happy Birthday, no seeing how much he's grown or showing off his latest skills. Instead it's releasing a balloon into the air filled with hope, dreams and thoughts.

We try to make these events as easy for people as possible. I think that is why I am so offended when family and friends in the are chose not to participate. I know that I should not become offended by it, but I cannot help it. I know that I should not think less of a relationship because of a person's inability to want to participate, but I do. It absolutely makes me wonder why in the world I maintain a relationship with a person/people who do not seem to care about something that I care so deeply for.

I do not ever expect anyone else to be as passionate about a cause as I am, just because I am. But, it does sting when those don't seem to care at all. And it does make me wonder and think about why I even bother. Which is sad to me. I hate thinking or feeling that way.

I guess that's my rant/rave for the day. I don't want anyone to walk out of guilt, but I do want people to walk out of support. And I am incredibly grateful for the amazing friends and family that go out of their way to be a constant support. Those who drive HOURS to come up, those who ask how they can help, those that help raise money, those that are eager to sign up, those that are eager to help, those that are proud to do something in Matthew's honor and who are there for us. I don't want anyone at the balloon release or March that simply does not want to be there. At the same time, I do not understand how something so important to us can mean so little to someone else who knew Matthew, knows us and are aware of the life that he lived and the family he left behind, and don't want to end that.

Kaitlyn's ability to scare the crap out of me

I know I haven't always been this paranoid, but losing one child can make you pretty aware of how fragile life is and how easy it is to lose.

Kaitlyn typically "scares" me on a nightly basis. The kid sleeps with her eyes open, without making a sound with her arms flung to either side. It is freaky and frightening no matter how many times you see it, or how used to it you are.

The biggest scare came a couple months ago. Kaitlyn rarely gets to take baths because her skin is so sensitive, but we let her take a bath. Since she's 5 she should have no problem in the bathtub on her own. We play the "ah" game (I say ah every 30 seconds to a minute and she repeats it back). So, she's in the bathtub, all is well and she starts coughing. So, I yell down the hallway, "Kaitlyn are you ok" and I get no response. So, I go down the hallway to the bathtub and she's underwater, with her arms to her side just floating. Not moving. So, I obviously start to freak out and yell at her. My yelling gets Dusty down the hallway too and then she pops up with a "what are you guys doing??"

The next heart attack came this morning. Kaitlyn was in charge of Chico while I took a quick shower. I'm literally in the shower for all of 2 minutes before I hear her screaming. Not just any scream, a blood curdling, hysterical scream. I yell "what's wrong" assuming that she is being dramatic. I hear "____ bit my nose and it's bleeding everywhere" and I again begin to freak out. I think I hear her say "Archie" bit her nose, and I am in my paranoid head, assuming he did severe damage. I turn off the water to run to her, and she gets to me first. It wasn't Archie. It was Chico. She broke the rules and put him next to her face when they were playing and he got inside her nostrils a little bit. The cut was seriously no bigger than a paper cut. Of course, my heart didn't stop pounding as quickly as she recovered.

I think the movie Parenthood said it best last night, just because your kids get older doesn't make you worry any less. You get through pregnancy relieved that you made it that far only to be afraid the first year. You get through that only to be afraid of toddlerhood, then the preschool years, then the school years and in 11 short years she'll be driving. Then adulthood and all that fun.

Hopefully she'll learn to sleep with her eyes closed and be a little less dramatic...

It's been forever

Since I've blogged. I know and I'm sorry :) My goal is to blog once a week and update Kaitlyn's site once a week! I'm still undecided about how much I want to share here with the general public.

Since my last update in May, things have been crazy, interesting and fun! Kaitlyn started Kindergarten and is doing AMAZING! She goes all day and has really thrived. She's reading at a second grade level, getting really good penmanship, and doing really good in math. She's funny as can be, smart as a whip and just had her first dance recital in December.

Dusty is doing great. In September he took a line drive to his eye, broke his eye socket in 3 places and his nose. He had to have surgery to have a titanium implant put in but is doing really good now. He still has some pain, bruising and healing (yes 3 months later!!) to do, but he should be as good as new soon!

Archie is doing fantastic. We switched him to a salmon/potatoe diet because of some allergies we found out about and it has made a huge difference. His skin is looking so much better, his ears are clear, his energy level is much higher and he is just happier. He is not as happy that we added a new dog to the family, but he's coming around!

This past December we added Chico into the family. Archie is getting used to the idea, Kaitlyn is in love with the "baby" and he's pretty much my responsibility. He is so tiny, just weighed in at 2 pounds and is nearly 10 weeks old. Potty training is going really well and we're so glad that we are crate training.

2010 is not only a new year, but a new decade and I totally welcome it :)

March for Babies!!

It's that time of year again! Time to register to walk for babies everywhere!

If you walked with us last year, you can use the same registration you previously used, all you have to do is log in :) marchforbabies.org

If you have not walked before, all you have to do is register to walk with our team at: http://marchforbabies.org/teams/matthewsteam

I am still very excited about doing a dinner and auction again this year! Look for the date in the future! We will also be ordering team shirts. The deadline to have your sizes to me is March 1! They typically cost $10, but I will get all the final info to you as soon as possible!

For anyone interested we will also do a swim/BBQ at our house after the walk!

Our team goal is $10,000 this year. Although it is just as important that we raise awareness, last year our team was 73 walkers strong and I would love to see it grow!!

You may also receive this on Face Book or Myspace, but I promise, I will only send reminders to register every few weeks and only leading up to March 1.

Thanks and have an awesome day!!

Growing Up

Today was Kaitlyn's Due Date, 5 years ago and obviously, she decided to make us wait since her birthday isn't until Tuesday!! As every year previous, she has grown so much. She is reading, writing, spelling, telling jokes, so energetic and funny, so eager to try new things and just ready for the adventures of life. Not to mention, she is SO flippin' tall! I am so beyond excited for her birthday.

And, I'm going to enjoy every moment of her birthday party today. I've grown a lot this year and made some tough decisions that have been for the best. I'm finally a drama free mama, and sometimes, that can be hard, especially the ignoring and looking the other way part lol. But it works. I've had more time to concentrate on me and my family this year and can honestly say that I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.

I learned a couple years ago how easy it is to be a friend in happy times, the real test of friendship comes when tragedy or hardship strikes. We have endured the ultimate tragedy and have been rewarded with such amazing friends and family that I can laugh with, cry with, talk with and be real with and never have to worry about being judged, whether they will be there in hard times, or what rumors will be spread behind my back. And that, is an amazing gift. <3

I've truly been blessed in this life with such amazing friends and family. I'm so glad to be done dealing with "drama" and be at the point where I care so little that it doesn't really phase me. I'm so happy to have an amazing and supportive husband that cares so much for the family we've mad. I'm so excited for what the future holds.

Today is our Princess's special day, and I cannot wait to celebrate it with the people that mean the most to me!

Kaitlyn's Drea

This morning, Kaitlyn decided to come and sleep in our bed. She had a sad dream she said, but it had a happy ending. She finally told us what it was about. This was her dream:

Everything in the world was turning white. All the water was gone, all the grass was gone and everything was slowly turning white. She had to go to God and ask him to fix the world. Her cousin Hope (who had high and long pigtails at the side of her head) and her friend Richard from school, walked up 30 stairs into the clouds to talk to God. She couldn't see him, but she asked him nicely to save the World and to fix it. So, God put his big hands on the whole world and slowly it all started to be saved. While Kaitlyn was in the clouds, she could see Matthew and he was so big he looked like he was almost 3! Once God had finished, her, Hope and Richard got sad because they missed their mommies and started heading back down the long staircase. When they got back down, the grass was green, there was water again and she wanted to celebrate. So, we had a pool party and everyone was happy that the world was saved.

A reading about Loss

My child has died - what can you do to help?

Please don't ask "how are you?" unless you really want to know the answer...

How are you?" has become a meaningless greeting to which the expected answer
is "fine". But I am not fine. At best I'm a bit fragile and a lot of the
time I'm far worse - I feel upset, hurt, bewildered, angry, guilty. But
these and other normal feelings which follow the death of someone you love
are not the things of polite conversation. So if you are not prepared to
hear about them, choose another way to greet me.



Don't expect to much of me too soon....

If I'd broken my leg I'd have a plaster cast on and you wouldn't expect me
to get back to normal for months. you can't put broken feelings in plaster
and you can't see the scars. But they need time to heal and I need time to
come to terms with the realization that "normal" from now on is life without
my child.



Don't ignore the death or the child that died...

You wouldn't have any trouble talking about good news. If I'd just won Lotto
it would be the first thing you would mention. Bad news is different - you
probably don't know what to say or how to say it. But the death of my child
is the most important thing in my life and it helps to acknowledge that.



Be honest, and try to avoid platitudes...

"This is awful, I don't know what to say" is far more help than cliched
phrases that aren't true anyway. Time alone doesn't heal, the fact we've got
each other is irrelevant because two drowning people can't save each other
and there is no comfort in the thought of this misery being God's will.



Don't think that having, or being able to have, other children will lessen
the pain of my child's death...

A child who loses a favorite toy will not be placated by a substitute. And
so it is with people. I loved my child for who he was as an individual, not
as an interchangeable piece in a set and mourning for him, at least at first
will strain rather than strengthen bonds with other children.



If you want to help, make specific offers not empty promises...

Saying "if there's anything I can do" might make you feel good, but I'm
unlikely to take you up because I probably don't know what I need and I'm
unsure what your "anything" means. However if you turn up with food, an
offer to babysit, or just a listening ear, your kindness will be gratefully
accepted.



Practice, don't preach...

However weak or strong my faith, and whatever your beliefs, this is no time
for sermons.



Be sensitive...

I find it hard to believe life in the outside world is still going on when
my private world has collapsed. I hope my child's death won't leave me
bitter. But it will take me time, months, years, before the weight of my own
feelings lightens enough to allow me to share your joys or sorrows.



Don't expect me to follow a prescribed pattern of grieving...

Denial, anger, guilt, depression and acceptance are all stages in the grief
process but no two people will go through them in the same way. I'll have
good days and bad days, sometimes I'll cope with a lot, at other times I'll
be phased by little things. It may seem illogical to you, but then feelings
often are.



Don't confuse control with coping...

A stiff upper lip probably means I've got a tight rein on my feelings, not
that I have come to terms with them. You may not be comfortable with crying
or screaming but they are far healthier than numbness, which is a sign of
denial.



Keep in touch...

I'll always be grateful for the practical and moral support you gave
immediately after the death and I know you have to get on with your life.

But grief doesn't end with the funeral and occasional phone call, note or
visit will let me know you haven't forgotten.



The death of my child has left me emotionally and spiritually shattered. It
will take time to put the pieces together again, to rebuild relationships.
But when things get really bad, knowing there is a friend who cares may be
all I need to tip the balance in favour of recovery.