We got Robbed :(

And not in a figurative, fun kind of way either. We seriously got robbed.

In December we had to move. We're kinda picky so we put everything we owned into a 10x30 storage unit. We've been staying with my parents while our belongings climbed to the roof of the storage unit. In March, we got a second unit for some miscellaneous things and things have been fine there.

On Thursday, we got a call that our lock was cut. We were thankful it was on the misc. unit and while everything was rummaged through, we couldn't tell if anything was missing.

Yesterday afternoon, we got a call that our big unit had the locks cut. She said it appeared nothing had been taken so we waited for Dusty to get off work and headed over there.

We opened it and immediately could tell it had been cleaned out. So far we've been able to notice the following missing:

Matthew's Crib. We're pretty sure it was destroyed since it was probably in the way of the good stuff. Dusty found a broken screw on the ground :(

All 3 computers, their monitors, and all accessories
a TV
Kaitlyn's Princess Jalopy Pedal Car
All of Kaitlyn's Barbies and Barbie Accessories
Kaitlyn's play kitchen
Our wedding Pictures
All our Albums
All of Dusty's autographed cards (rookie Barry Bonds, rookie Jordan, dozens of mint condition cards)
Our surround sound
Our rear projector
All of Kaitlyn's "sentimental" clothes
All of my clothes
My shoes, purses, belts

And a ton of other miscellaneous stuff.

I do not and will not ever understand how it is that someone can think it's ok just to take from another. It is absolutely disgusting. It is DISGUSTING to steal from another.

CSI was able to find a palm print so hopefully it will match something in their system. I have to go through our other unit now and see if anything is missing :(

Thank you to Everyone that Participated

08/09/08

Thank you so much to everyone who participated in today's balloon release for Matthew's birthday. It was amazing to see so many balloon soar and have so many people to celebrate such a short and wonderful life.

It was a beautiful day. Dusty and I got to the cemetery at about 9 and started decorating. We set up a table with pictures, put out the favors (bubbles with personalized tags, hershey kisses with personalized seals, and poems), and started in on the balloons. Dusty was a huge help and an absolute champ with the balloons!

We had beautiful cupcakes from Sweet Cakes and a lovely candle made in Old Sacramento. There was a great turn out! Thank you so much to all of our friends and family who ventured out in the heat, we had over 55 people out there. Kaitlyn was great at getting everyone together and counting for everyone to let go of their balloon. After yummy cupcakes, we started to pack things up, water the sod and head out. We made last minute lunch plans and ate delicious food at Hanger 17 with our closest family.

I should have most of the pictures within a week! Please send me the ones you took so I can share :) Thank you so much to everyone who has already shared their pictures! I didn't take any with my camera since I wanted to be an active participant :

I have plenty more bubbles if anyone would like me to send one :)

4 years ago today

4 years ago today

In the hot August Sun, with sweat dripping from our bodies, in front of some of the most amazing and wonderful people in the world, Dusty and I, very quickly exchanged the vows that would bond us together for a lifetime.

Despite a few rumors, I didn't "make" Dusty marry me because I was pregnant ;P After 5 years and 3 months to the day of becomming an "official" couple, Dusty and I got married for the simpliest of reasons, we wanted to. We were in love and desired nothing more than to spend the rest of our days together.

While we have had more than our share of heartache and hard times, we've remained best friends who are happily married. We both have the same sense of humor and complete eachother.

If I went back in time today, knowing all that we would have endured over the past 4 years or even the past year, I would still go with Dusty to the prom. I have absolutely no doubt that we'll make it. I know that if we can "survive" what we have this past year and a half, we can easily surpass any challenges life throws at us.

To celebrate we went and saw Pineapple Express, very funny movie :P

Thanks to everyone for the Happy Anniversary Wishes :)

Matthew's Birthday

08/06/08

Today ends the aniversary of Matthew's frist day here on this Earth with his family who loved him. It was the first of 70 days that we were blessed to hold him, kisss him and know him.

Today we went to the cemetery and put down new sod. It was a lot of work and I was very thankful to have Dusty there with me :) Thank you so much to everyone who went to the cemetery today to leave Matthew Birthday goodies. Thank you Grandma and Grandpa for the bubbles and balloon, thank you Auntie Christina and Uncle Brian for the bubbles and balloon, thank you to Hope for the pretty flowers and balloon and thank you to Beau for the pretty flowers and balloon, (thanks also to their mommy and daddy for taking them). Thank you to everyone for Matthew's birthday wishes, thoughts and prayers.

Happy Birthday Matthew!! There is absolutely nothing we wouldn't do or give to have you here with us to celebrate this special day. It's amazing to know that one year and 4 hours have passed since you came into our world in such a grand way and stole our hearts. We are so proud of you for being so strong and so brave during the time you were with us. You are the cutest and sweetest little boy we have ever saw and the joy and love you brought us could never be measured. While we unselfishly wish you were here, we know you are in an amazing world celebrating your special day. Our endless love is with you always.

You would have turned 1 today,
if you were still here.
Although you are so far away,
our hearts have kept you near.


Your time here was a blessing,
that we treasure every day.
We take every chance in expressing,
our undying love for you.

We send our love to you,
from all our hearts to yours.
Just think, a birthday spent in Heaven,
means you'll spend it with The Lord.

Actions over Words

We were driving home tonight when I let my mind wander a bit. I think in a sense I was working on coming to terms with something that has been boiling to the surface over the last few weeks and where I want some relationships to go.

The whos, whats and wheres are completely irrelevant. The reason for my revelation is something that I think will bring me peace of mind and that's what matters most.

I have always been the type to swoon over pretty words. To me, words are so incredibly powerful. I have always made sure to do as I say and mean as I do. When I say words, they are from my heart, they are filled with my innermost private thoughts and have a strong meaning.

It's a hard realization when you realize that not all people are made the same as you. I don't mean that in a necessarily cocky way as though I am in some way perfect, nor do I mean it in a negative connotation. I'm fully aware of my pitfalls and strive every day to repair and improve them as much as I can. Each day is a new strive towards perfection. I can assure you, I am incredibly sincere in all of my words.

I'm a Cancer. I am a sensitive soulful person. I know the strength in words and try so hard to use them in a positive way. But, I also try to back up my words with actions, and I am sincere in those actions. I guess I've never really learned how to be insincere. I'm not good at it and I don't like to waste my time faking kindness or relationships. My smiles are real, my actions are real, my words are real.

But, I don't think all people are made the same. Not everyone has the same desires in life or the same way of thinking. And really, not everyone wants to be my bff, or have a close relationship with me. That's perfectly and 100% fine. I'm sure I irritate the heck out of some people. I can be overly bubbly, overly sensitive and sometimes I have childish revenge sequences play through my mind. Really, it doesn't bother me if I'm not loved by all of the people all of the time. What bothers me is the insincerity behind kind words. The words that cause me to swoon and think "everything is going to be ok."

I am learning though, words are not always worth swooning over. They can be amazing and needing and loved and appreciated, but they can also be very insincere. What I am learning is that the people that really matter. The people that I have learned really want to be close to me, close to us, close to our family back up their words with actions that reflect the same. The people that really matter prove the genuineness of their words with the earnestness of their actions.

One of my biggest pitfalls is that I do too much for those that may not appreciate it. I have always lived by the "do unto others as you wish them to do unto you" and that isn't always good. When you constantly do nice actions towards some and never have the kindness to repay it, it gets old and hurtful. I think it goes to prove the insincerity of their words.

What I am working on now, for my own personal growth, is separating the words from the actions. I want the words to matter, I truly do, but I have to learn and realize that the actions prove the honesty of the words.

I am really proud of Kaitlyn. I think I learned tonight, that she has already learned that lesson. With her, it isn't about who buys her things, or who tells her nice things, to Kaitlyn, the actions and kindness is what touches her heart. I really do believe she is the one that taught me this lesson and I am grateful to her for it.

When all is said and done, actions back up your words, so be sure to be sincere. :)


*~*~*~*~ Just a note to answer any concerns. If you care enough to read, if you care enough to respond and you care enough to even give anything I say or think a second thought, I can promise your actions back up your words. If I talk to you on an even regular person, you answer my phone calls and respond to things I say, I can assure you, you rock and there are no worries ~*~*~*~*

A Year Ago...

By this time last year, we had learned that it can indeed happen to you.

A year and 5 days ago, we were the typical family with the typical problems. I was nearly 6 months pregnant, Kaitlyn was doing great and a normal, happy, healthy, smart 2 1/2 year old who liked to kiss my tummy at night, and Dusty had a cold. Our biggest problems were that I liked to go to bed super early and we still had to empty out the computer room to get Matthew's room ready. The pregnancy was pretty normal with just a couple of minimal problems, but I was gaining weight like a champ and so was he!

Last night was a familiar feeling. Around the same time as June 3, 2007, I woke up in a puddle. This time there was no question about it, my water couldn't have possibly of ruptured, my bladder is easily controllable and I had a preschooler sleeping with me after 32 ounces of gaterade before dinner!

A year and 2 days ago, that all changed to drastically and what seemed so innocently. I'll never forget the sense of urgency I felt when I woke up in a puddle of fluid. I of course freaked that it could be something serious, but convinced myself that I was just over exaggerating and really going to the hospital was just for peace of mind.

Even while we waited in Labor and Delivery, we joked, kidded around and I tried to get a little bit of rest because I was exhausted and the "leaking" had stopped I thought. Then, in literally an instant our life wasn't normal anymore.

All of a sudden we were part of 2% of pregnancies who have membranes rupture before 37 weeks. Of that 2%, most ruptures occur after 34 weeks.

Our outlook was grim, our doctor was blunt, and our options seemed few. We were told over and over again that we were just hanging out until I developed an infection and delivered. It would more than likely happen within the week.

I felt so sick, the magnesium sulfate was terrible, I couldn't eat and I was being poked, prodded and checked every couple hours for a sign of infection.

What was never discussed was the probability of infection not occuring. I understand why, within 24 hours, 50% of pprom pregnancies end in birth, within a week, 75% end in birth and within 12 days, 90% of those ruptured pregnancies end in birth. The thought that we held on for 9 weeks and 2 days is astounding, amazing, a true miracle.

It's amazing how much has changed in the year. Rather than cancelling plans for the summer, we're making as many as possible. Rather than planning how to juggle the needs and demands of a 10 month old (tomorrow) and a 3 1/2 year old we are instead facing the road of recovery for a grieving 3 1/2 year old and visiting the cemetery to visit a 10 month old.

Everything that happened a year ago still feels so surreal. It feels like a distant dream, a terrible dream. There are so many things that I am grateful for.

I am incredibly grateful that we made it 9 weeks and 2 days in the hospital. Even if it meant that I had to be stuck in a terrible bed around the clock watching the world go by around me while watching 4 channels on TV. Those 9 weeks and 2 days were 9 weeks and 2 days longer that I had with Matthew than any doctor or nurse gave me. I am grateful that Matthew was born with few premature hurdles to jump and that we did have 10 wonderful and memorable weeks with him.

I learned so much in that time. I learned more about my body, what it's capable of and what feels normal. I can feel where my ovaries are, know what's a cyst, what's normal and what's not. I learned what amazing family I have and what an amazing and capable, loving caring husband I have. Dusty spent EVERYNIGHT and the world's most uncomfortable bed, stretched his schedule in ways I don't think he could ever imagine and dropped everything to be there for me, Kaitlyn and Matthew.

A year ago, things were so perfect, it is amazing what an instant can do.

Kaitlyn's Anxiety

I know some people have noticed Kaitlyn having a slightly different personality lately, so why not address it all at once.

Kaitlyn is normally a VERY independent little girl. From the time she could say "me" and "do" or her own form of it, everything was a very stern "me do" Kaitlyn prefers to do everything on her own, like a big, big girl. She isn't shy, loves to play with everyone and in her opinion, hasn't eer met a stranger.

Over the past month or so, Kaitlyn has lost a lot of her independence. The first incident started at school. Kaitlyn LOVES school. I mean, her punishment for being bad was no school. All of her reports say how independent and "strong" she is. Even when she sliced open her ankle, she didn't cry, when Torrey pushed her off the bikes, she didn't cry, when kids take toys from her, she doesn't cry she just finds something else.

I went to pick her up from school and the teacher told me she had an "incident" where basically out of no where she started sobbing hysterically. She cried for 45 minutes before she could be calmed down. You have NO idea how livid I was that I wasn't called like say, 10 minutes into the crying when it is so out of character for her. Much of the crying, I was told was about her missing her brother, wanting him back, wondering why she can't have him back and basically dealing with the fairness in the world on a 3 year old level.

When it's so hard to explain or understand as an adult why others get to keep and enjoy their babies, we had to say good-bye to a very loved little boy at 10 weeks is hard. Watching your friends and cousins be big sisters and big brothers to little babies has been a lot harder on her than I thought it would be.

The next day, she didn't want to go to school. Since it's preschool, a year early than necessary, she's done with Speech Therapy I didn't push it. She went back a day or so later and did great.

In the meantime, Kaitlyn started having bad anxiety outside of school. I cannot leave her side for more than a minute. She cries hysterically that she'll miss me too much. It takes hours of talking up a place, promises of prizes, and a bit of coersion to get her to go even to her favorite places or with her favorite people.

The following week, she was so eager to go. It was her last week of school and she went on Tuesday. I explained to the teacher how bad her seperation anxiety had been outside of school, how emotional she had been and instructed them to call me at the first sign of tears.

Not even an hour later I got a call. She had been crying for about 45 minutes. The teacher left, a sub filled in and no one was instructed to call me. When I went to pick her up it was the most pitiful site. She was sitting at the arts and crafts table with all the kids who were having fun. She was sobbing hysterically still, her face was swollen and bright red and her face was covered in tears and snot :( We left.

That was the point where I kind of knew that she needed someone to talk to and someone to help far more experienced than I am. So, the phone calls began.

I took Kaitlyn to her last day of school and for the first 2 hours we were joined at the hip. For the last hour, she played, as long as I was in plain view. Gymnastics I had to practically force her to join her class, even though I was right there watching. She won't go to the gym play area or stay with anyone.

We've called 10 therapists. 7 are not accepting new patients, 1 does not accept children under 5 and 2 haven't called back. So, hopefully we'll find someone soon who will have some good advice, OR it will turn out to be a stage and she'll out grow it. I know a lot of it is being unable to express what she's feeling and wanting to be in a comfort zone.

If you know any good therapist in the Sacramento area that do talk to kids, don't hesitate to let me know :)