Sunday, May 31, 2009

The balance of Mondays

Mondays always had a different feel to them. In school, they were always the day that spoiled the fun and good times of the weekend. When working, they were the days that spoiled sleeping in and doing what "I" wanted to do.

Matthew's due date was a Monday. So, every Monday in the hospital was a day of celebration. The days inched towards Monday and when it came there was no better feeling. Mondays meant accomplishment, they meant more time, they meant we were that much closer to being full term.

Matthew was born in the week hours of a Monday. 4:29 in the morning, before the sun had a chance to come up, but it still counted. After that, Mondays still had that same feeling. Every Monday, Matthew was a week older, a week stronger and surpassed expectations.

Mondays were great.

Until that October day. Matthew died at the wee hours in the morning on a Monday. An hour before his birthday time.

After that, Mondays were such an awful reminder. With each Monday that passed, it was another week that we were separated, it was another week that he should have been a week older.

One week later, on a Monday, Matthew was laid to rest. It had been 11 weeks, exactly, since his birth.

It was as though, Mondays needed a balance. There was just too much joy on a Monday, and then so much sadness that they balanced out.

Nothing of real significance occured again on a Monday. Well, until nearly 2 weeks ago. We watched another Mommy defy the odds, ignore the poorly given advice and delivery her baby boy the natural way. It was absolutely amazing and breathtaking and emotional beyond belief.

I didn't see Matthew be born. I was seperated by a curtain, I suppose so I wouldn't be disgusted with seeing my innards on the outside. But, I can see it in my mind as though there wasn't a curtain there at all. And not in the outisde of my body kind of way. I can perfectly imagine myself laying down in that same position, Dusty above me and my doctor making his finger into a hook and pulling Matthew out.

The following Monday, we got the awful news that two mother's in our community were suffering the loss of their children. A child is your baby for all of time. It is no easier when the child is in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s or older or just a small baby, child or teen. A child is a child forever. It is a part of your heart, a part of your soul, a part of your everything.

One of my dearest and most respected friends lost her niece. A precious little girl who has left behind a family who loves her and a community that misses her.

Both children will be laid to rest tomorrow, a Monday.

Mondays have become so bittersweet. There is so much joy and happiness and so much sadness and dispair.

When you have your children, you cannot possibly imagine what it would be like to lose them. You hear stories on the radio, in the news, about a child losing their life and your heart breaks for the family and you think about how you could not imagine that loss, that pain, that grief or how in the world the world could keep living.

When you have lived it, you know the nightmare the mother is living. You know the unexplainable grief, the inexplicable pain, the inability to see past today, the guilt, the sadness, the what if's, the nightmares, the constant battle. And your heart breaks for those poor parents. Those poor siblings, that poor family.

Life will never again be the same for them. They will never again walk on this Earth together, they will never again have the option for a family picture. They will never again be blessed with their laughter, their smile, their kisses, their tears, their smiles, their silly faces, their dramatics, their physical love. They will go to birthday parties for others and wonder what their child would look like, act like and love at that age and stage in their lives. They will celebrate Christmas, fighting back tears, they will never be whole again. And there is nothing anyone or anything can do to change that.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the parents who have had to bury their children. I pray that they find peace and serenity. I pray that they find joy in the memories they have with their children. My deepest sympathies and hugs go out to the family members who are both grieving and trying to support the mourning parents.

Monday, May 11, 2009


One of my favorite parts of myspace was blogging. But, now that I've been introduced to facebook, it seems silly to go to myspace just to blog. But, I need an outlet. I need the ability to express my thoughts, I just can't help it.

The last few days have been so emotional. Mother's day was hard last year too. I mean, all any mother really wants for Mother's day is to spend time with her family. No matter how much we want that, we can't have that exactly. We are always one person short, one soul missing, one smile not there, two little hands not being held and all of the hugs and kisses that we miss out on. It's not exactly easy.

My best possible remedy is to stay busy. And that is exactly what I do. I try and create memories and be the best wife and mom and friend that I can possibly be.

Today was the "breakdown" day I suppose. Dusty has been asking me what I want for Mother's Day, and my answer is the same as always "nothing." And like always, that isn't good enough.

So yesterday I was greeted with my traditional cards and candy that I love with lots of love and the "When do you want to go shopping for Mother's Day" I know that I am hard to shop for. If I mention to Dusty that I want anything, he either gets it or tells me to go and get it.

Kaitlyn was swimming this afternoon when I started looking around the pool thinking of all the plants I wanted and where they would go when I started my map and list. I knew exactly what I wanted, how many, where and how much they would cost from what Store. So, I texted Dusty and told him that's what I wanted and he sent me out when I got home to get it.

I headed to Walmart and of course, they were sold out of EVERYTHING. How in the world is that possible?? I was just there last Tuesday buying flowers and they were stocked like crazy! So, of course that throws the map, the list, the wants, the everything out the window. It was so unfair that what I wanted wasn't what I could have. So unfair that I couldn't just buy what I wanted, get it planted and watered before I went to bed. Seriously, how difficult is that.

So, like an idiot, I started crying. It wasn't just over the stupid flowers, but everything. It's so incredibly frustrating that we want things, work for things and get a big fat no slammed in our face.

Even though we were both terrified, worried, unsure and not very confident of our ability to handle a third pregnancy and a third child, once that baby was a reality, it was ours. We picked out names, we rented the first house we kind of liked, we put Matthew's furniture in the extra baby room taking precaution that it would be the best one for the baby. I had decided on a nursery theme and was avidly searching for the perfect decor to go with it. We allowed ourselves to get excited. We accepted this baby in our lives even though it was hard. And it became a very wanted baby, so to have that taken away was hard.

Matthew was wanted, is wanted, is loved, is missed, is cared for and again, it was taken away.

It was never our intention to have Kaitlyn grow up as an only child. Never ever. I wouldn't want that for her. I don't think that's fair to her. I don't think that's fair to us. And once we were pregnant again, we realized that we could do this. We could go through another pregnancy and we could love another baby. A new baby wouldn't replace Matthew in any way or form. A new baby wouldn't take our love away from him and it wouldn't replace all of my memories of our precious son.

And since we lost that pregnancy we have wanted to expand our family, yet it doesn't seem to be working out how it's supposed to. Who knew it would be so difficult for tens of thousands of sperm to find one little egg. Seriously!

Literally minutes after my crying fest, Dusty sent me a funny text. It was silly and juvenille and had perfect timing.

So, I went across the parking lot to Home Depot, got there at 7:05 and the garden center closed at 7. So, I snuck back there lol! And while I didn't get what I thought I wanted, I did get some beautiful new plants, and there is always tomorrow to plant them :)

I may not be the same person I was 2 years ago, but that's ok. I've learned a lot. I've grown a lot. I've learned to be able to concentrate on what really matters in life. I've learned that there are times it is perfectly ok to put me, my families and my feelings first, regardless of whether or not people approve. I've learned to stop seeking approval. I've learned to do what makes me happy. I've learned that I have some of the most amazing friends in the world. And they've been tested. It is so easy to be friends during fun and easy times, but to be able to be a good friend in the midst of tragedy and what an amazing person it takes to put your own feelings aside to be there for someone else. I am so grateful for the amazing friends that have been here for us through the tragedies and hardships of the last couple of years.

We may not always get what we want, but I take solace in knowing that God has a plan and all will work out.